Once upon a time thar lived a woomin in Kansas City who had a maddenin' passhun fo' baked beans. She loved them, but unfo'tunately they allus gave her a mighty embarrassin', an' somewhut lively reackshun. When it became apparent thet she an' her fellafriend'd marry up wif she thunk t'herse'f, ''He is sech a sweet an' juntle man but ah doesn't reckon he kin live wif mah problems.'' So she decided t'make th' supreme sacrifice an' give up beans. A year later her car busted down on th' way home fum wawk. She called her husbin leavin' a message thet she'd be late on account o' she had t'walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner an' th' odo' of th' baked beans was mo'e than she c'd stan'. On account o' she still had miles t'walk, she figgerd thet she c'd walk off enny ill effeck by th' time she retched home. So she stopped at th' diner, an' befo'e she knowed it she had cornsoomd three large o'ders of baked beans. All th' way home she putt-putted, cuss it all t' tarnation. Upon arrivin' home she felt reasonably sho'nuff she c'd corntrol it. Her husbin seemed excited t'see her, exclamin' delightedly, ''Darlin' ah have a surprise fo' dinner tonight.'' He then blindfolded her then led her t'a chair at th' table. Jest as he was about t'remove th' blindfold th' phone rang, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! He made her promise not t'touch th' blindfold till he came back. Shet mah mouth! Then he went t'answer th' phone. Th' baked beans she had cornsoomd were still affeckin' her an' th' pressure was bea-comin' almost unbarable, so while her husbin was outta th' room she seized th' oppo'tunity, shif'ed th' weight t'one leg, an' let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck runnin' on over a skunk a-comin' fum a pu'p mill, ah reckon. She took a napkin an' fanned th' air aroun' her git-up-and-gitously. Then she shif'ed t't'other cheek an' ripped three mo'e, which reminded her of cabbage cookin'. Keepin' her ears turned t'th' convahsashun in t'other room, she went on like this hyar fo' t'other ten minutes. When th' phone farefines signed th' end of her freedom, she fanned th' air a few mo'e times wif th' napkin, placed it on her lap an' folded her han's upon it, smilin' corntently t'herse'f, she was th' pitcher of innercence when her husbin returned, cuss it all t' tarnation. Apologizin' fo' takin' so long, he axed her eff'n she peeked an' she assured him thet she had not. At this hyar point, he removed th' blindfold t'reveal twelve dinner guests seated aroun' th' table t'wish her a fust Happy Annivahsary! Fry mah hide!