wanderlust
09-16-2002, 22:45
I Love Mustard
(This is a true story.)
If you have children you will probably relate to this
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab
of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of
expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I
carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked
it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife
suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old
son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder
and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I
noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first
and only time I have sprinted with my tongue
protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the
sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my
tongue.
Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard)
my wife said, "Now you know why they call that
mustard 'Poupon.'"
(This is a true story.)
If you have children you will probably relate to this
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab
of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of
expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I
carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked
it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife
suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old
son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder
and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I
noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first
and only time I have sprinted with my tongue
protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the
sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my
tongue.
Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard)
my wife said, "Now you know why they call that
mustard 'Poupon.'"