A little Wisdom from Andy Rooney: [Archive] - Glock Talk

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Eddie C.
09-21-2002, 08:37
Subject: Fw: FW: Andy Rooney
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>Into all of our lives a little laughter must fall and I believe thats why Andy Rooney was put on earth...He is the beam of laughter that makes life worth while.......Enjoy.
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> 1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
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> "Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
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> =================================
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> 2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
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> Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
> prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners
> into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.
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> I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think
> they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
> electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
> that's hooked up to the generator.
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> =================================
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> 3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
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> My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I
> noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
> "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark
> their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh
> scent out of your clothes.
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> ==================================
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> 4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences :
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> Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in
> the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the
> women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?'
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> It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic
> nerve.
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> ===============================
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> 5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
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> You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
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> Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It
> costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know."
> Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone)
> "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up
> for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone
> sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
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> ===============================
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> 6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:
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> My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.
> They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus
> Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
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> =================================
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> 7. Andy Rooney On Grandma:
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> My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
> Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
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> Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that
> dollar she gave you for your birthday.
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> ===============================
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> 8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
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> Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's
> answering machine? "
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> Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too.
> The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep.
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> "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive,
> your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
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> =====================================
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