Dad needs help with 18 year old daughter. [Archive] - Glock Talk

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glockluver
05-15-2009, 19:58
Mom's and daughters I need some advise.My lil girl tho 18 use to be a daddy's girl.Now she thinks she's grown and mom and me don't know squat.She is still in high school and today was suspended for one day for leaving campus at lunch.Since she still lives at home and in high school she still has rules she doesn't.Of course she thinks she is to old for rules so when she was punished for getting suspended she ran away while I was bathing the 3 year old.It's been a little over an hour now, she is 18 there is nothing leo can do but a wellness check.She has no money with her,no licence beleave she had a friend to pick her up.She dosen't have a bf,and I'm going crazy.Help me understand her please,I know what a 18 year old boy goes through not a girl what can I do?

Andy W
05-16-2009, 00:26
Not a women but I have a question that might help others shine some light on this. Is this the first time she has done something like this?

ubimow
05-16-2009, 03:26
First I will start off saying that I am a 36 year old woman. But when I was your daughter's age I also went through a period of rebellion. I started smoking and drinking and wanted to be out late with friends. My mother was a single parent and regretfully, I gave her hell for about a year and a half.
I believe my problem stemmed from the fact that my mother was a very religious mormon and VERY overprotective. At the age of 19 I was still living at home and I had a curfew of 10 PM. My estranged father gave me $1500 to get a car (the only thing he ever did for anyone in my family) so I could get a job. Getting a job was very important to me, because as much as I loved my mom, I needed to move out and get my own life. However, she put the money in her bank account and wouldn't let me use it to get a car. She wanted me to stay at home under her control. This made things much worse and I eventually started spending the night at a friend's house just to get away. (of course this broke my 10 pm curfew so there were always horrible fights about this).
My point is, I was acting like this because I felt like I had no control over my life. I felt like I was old enough to start making some important decisions on my own, but my mom was not willing to compromise.
Also when I was your daughter's age, I felt depressed and anxious about what my life would be like after high school (since school was all I had known for 13 years). I felt lke I just wanted to get away from everything. Kids don't have a lot of outlets for stress and don't know how to cope with such feelings. As we get older, we learn better ways of dealing with stress, depression, anxiety etc. Also, kids often feel uncomfortable admitting they have these feeling or don't know how to explain how they feel.
Now, I don't have kids but I just think the most important thing you can do is try to talk to her. Find out if there are some things you guys can compromise on. Maybe like giving her a little more freedom (If she is also willing to compromise on things like not skipping school, being more honest with you etc).
You need to start realizing that she is not a child anymore but she also needs to realize that she is still living at home. So maybe the rules need to change a little to fit the new situation. After all, you are used to her being your "little girl."
I know that the situations are not exactly the same but maybe this can give you some ideas. Hope everything works out.

mesteve2
05-16-2009, 05:18
I Have two daughter who will be 38 in sept. still a pain.

Good news they have husbands.

Get used to it.

Next life will have boys. Not as moody.

Now you know why some cultures do not want girls.

I hear children are pains untill you die.

glockluver
05-16-2009, 10:49
Not a women but I have a question that might help others shine some light on this. Is this the first time she has done something like this?
yes it is.

glockluver
05-16-2009, 10:57
Update...... found her and got her home about 2:30am and found out the underline prob. she couldn't tell us she was preg. and scared what I would do to the ex boyfriend guess he is no longer an ex.He is a good kid just nothing going for himself then to me no man is going to be good enough for her but it still hurts my baby having a baby.Now what don't know how to handle this need more advise.The other to are boys tank god i think.

Black Ice
05-16-2009, 23:27
First I will start off saying that I am a 36 year old woman. But when I was your daughter's age I also went through a period of rebellion. I started smoking and drinking and wanted to be out late with friends. My mother was a single parent and regretfully, I gave her hell for about a year and a half.
I believe my problem stemmed from the fact that my mother was a very religious mormon and VERY overprotective. At the age of 19 I was still living at home and I had a curfew of 10 PM. My estranged father gave me $1500 to get a car (the only thing he ever did for anyone in my family) so I could get a job. Getting a job was very important to me, because as much as I loved my mom, I needed to move out and get my own life. However, she put the money in her bank account and wouldn't let me use it to get a car. She wanted me to stay at home under her control. This made things much worse and I eventually started spending the night at a friend's house just to get away. (of course this broke my 10 pm curfew so there were always horrible fights about this).
My point is, I was acting like this because I felt like I had no control over my life. I felt like I was old enough to start making some important decisions on my own, but my mom was not willing to compromise.
Also when I was your daughter's age, I felt depressed and anxious about what my life would be like after high school (since school was all I had known for 13 years). I felt lke I just wanted to get away from everything. Kids don't have a lot of outlets for stress and don't know how to cope with such feelings. As we get older, we learn better ways of dealing with stress, depression, anxiety etc. Also, kids often feel uncomfortable admitting they have these feeling or don't know how to explain how they feel.
Now, I don't have kids but I just think the most important thing you can do is try to talk to her. Find out if there are some things you guys can compromise on. Maybe like giving her a little more freedom (If she is also willing to compromise on things like not skipping school, being more honest with you etc).
You need to start realizing that she is not a child anymore but she also needs to realize that she is still living at home. So maybe the rules need to change a little to fit the new situation. After all, you are used to her being your "little girl."
I know that the situations are not exactly the same but maybe this can give you some ideas. Hope everything works out.

....:smoking:

....Good post.. I too was born and raised in a very religious mormon family in S L C. so I know what your saying. Again, Good post.

Poppa Bear
05-17-2009, 00:11
I am a dad. Oldest daughter is 27, next is 18. Oldest got married and then found out birth control can fail. Her and her husband are still struggling to make ends meet because kids are very spendy. She still calls me to say: "Dad, here is my problem. What do you think?"

This will depend A LOT on how your relationship is with your daughter right now. She is scared but also afraid to admit she is not grown up enough to deal with this.

Talk to her. Tell her you love her and will be there when she needs to talk. DO NOT be judgmental. DO NOT tell her this is what SHE needs to do. It might be tough but keep your mouth SHUT if you feel the need to lecture. She needs guidance towards deciding for herself what SHE wants to or needs to do. This does not mean you leave the entire decision up to her, it means YOU need to give her the benefit of your wisdom: Have you thought about ___________? Have you checked out ______________?

If applicable tell her about your early years as a couple. The problems you encountered, the worries you had, the decisions you had to make, the lessons you learned. Her problems, worries and decisions will be different. The lessons learned will be different, BUT you will still love her no matter what happens. Let her know that you cannot stop her from making a lot of mistakes along the way, but you hope she will be comfortable enough to discuss some of these issues while they are still small problems. You survived, she will too.

glockluver
05-17-2009, 19:30
I am a dad. Oldest daughter is 27, next is 18. Oldest got married and then found out birth control can fail. Her and her husband are still struggling to make ends meet because kids are very spendy. She still calls me to say: "Dad, here is my problem. What do you think?"

This will depend A LOT on how your relationship is with your daughter right now. She is scared but also afraid to admit she is not grown up enough to deal with this.

Talk to her. Tell her you love her and will be there when she needs to talk. DO NOT be judgmental. DO NOT tell her this is what SHE needs to do. It might be tough but keep your mouth SHUT if you feel the need to lecture. She needs guidance towards deciding for herself what SHE wants to or needs to do. This does not mean you leave the entire decision up to her, it means YOU need to give her the benefit of your wisdom: Have you thought about ___________? Have you checked out ______________?

If applicable tell her about your early years as a couple. The problems you encountered, the worries you had, the decisions you had to make, the lessons you learned. Her problems, worries and decisions will be different. The lessons learned will be different, BUT you will still love her no matter what happens. Let her know that you cannot stop her from making a lot of mistakes along the way, but you hope she will be comfortable enough to discuss some of these issues while they are still small problems. You survived, she will too.
Thank you guys so much it's hard to watch your lil girl become a woman.

Poppa Bear
05-17-2009, 20:51
It is hard but the circumstances can make a big difference. Thinking about SOME guy trying to get into my daughters pants bugged me to no end. Finding out she was getting married and making the bed bounce did not bother me in the least. The level of commitment made a big difference in my attitude. Was not happy that she was getting married so young, but was impressed with her attitude of you want to share my bed, you will put a ring on my finger first. It was disappointing that she got pregnant less than 3 months after getting married. I knew how tough things were going to be financially throwing a child into the mix so soon after getting married.

FrogWithAGlock
05-18-2009, 13:54
LISTEN. To her. She is terrified right now, and not sure what to do. She was also probably scared you would kill her, if she told you.

Don't do anything rash. Give her options, find someone she can talk to. Love her unconditionally. And let her know that no matter what she decides, she can still have a life. Let her make her own choices (as scary as that is, at 18 and pregnant, you no longer have control of the situation she's gotten herself into).

And let her cry, and vent, etc. Keep hugging her, don't tell her it will all be "alright", just tell her you are there, with big shoulders to catch her tears, and aren't going anywhere.

kdoggy
05-18-2009, 14:55
Mom's and daughters I need some advise.My lil girl tho 18 use to be a daddy's girl.Now she thinks she's grown and mom and me don't know squat.She is still in high school and today was suspended for one day for leaving campus at lunch.Since she still lives at home and in high school she still has rules she doesn't.Of course she thinks she is to old for rules so when she was punished for getting suspended she ran away while I was bathing the 3 year old.It's been a little over an hour now, she is 18 there is nothing leo can do but a wellness check.She has no money with her,no licence beleave she had a friend to pick her up.She dosen't have a bf,and I'm going crazy.Help me understand her please,I know what a 18 year old boy goes through not a girl what can I do?

Not a woman either but there is a simple solution to this. Pack her own personal belongs in a bag for her and set them outside. When I say own personal, I mean the things SHE HAS BOUGHT with her own money she earned, not the stuff you bought her.

Be very polite about it, tell her she is right, she is 18 years old now, maybe she is too old for rules but that you have rules in YOUR house and she is welcome to leave but she will not be allowed back in the house and will receive no financial support from you.

She will figure things out really fast or come crying back home. Obviously, she will come crying back home.

FrogWithAGlock
05-18-2009, 15:43
Not a woman either but there is a simple solution to this. Pack her own personal belongs in a bag for her and set them outside. When I say own personal, I mean the things SHE HAS BOUGHT with her own money she earned, not the stuff you bought her.

Be very polite about it, tell her she is right, she is 18 years old now, maybe she is too old for rules but that you have rules in YOUR house and she is welcome to leave but she will not be allowed back in the house and will receive no financial support from you.

She will figure things out really fast or come crying back home. Obviously, she will come crying back home.

OP updated that she came back, confessed she is pregnant, and was misbehaving because she's scared......

Fire1
05-18-2009, 15:49
My prayers are with you on this one. I hope everything works out as best it can in this scenario.

glockluver
05-18-2009, 19:16
LISTEN. To her. She is terrified right now, and not sure what to do. She was also probably scared you would kill her, if she told you.

Don't do anything rash. Give her options, find someone she can talk to. Love her unconditionally. And let her know that no matter what she decides, she can still have a life. Let her make her own choices (as scary as that is, at 18 and pregnant, you no longer have control of the situation she's gotten herself into).

And let her cry, and vent, etc. Keep hugging her, don't tell her it will all be "alright", just tell her you are there, with big shoulders to catch her tears, and aren't going anywhere.
Thank you we had a long talk and shed a few tears together the bf is stepping up to the plate and the wife and i and them with his mom had a sit down to get the expectations for them on the table and we as parents love them and will be there to help them.Still not happy she gave him her virtue but have to except it was hers to give still not easy tho.

Bilbo Bagins
05-19-2009, 07:48
Not a woman either but there is a simple solution to this. Pack her own personal belongs in a bag for her and set them outside. When I say own personal, I mean the things SHE HAS BOUGHT with her own money she earned, not the stuff you bought her.

Be very polite about it, tell her she is right, she is 18 years old now, maybe she is too old for rules but that you have rules in YOUR house and she is welcome to leave but she will not be allowed back in the house and will receive no financial support from you.

She will figure things out really fast or come crying back home. Obviously, she will come crying back home.

I think you missed the 2nd update from the original poster saying the girl ran away because she found out she was pregnant.


glockluver, I'm a guy but this same thing came up twice in my family. Both times the dad was way overbearing, and the girl rebeled. One girl ran away, but had money, and was found several states away. Both girls got pregnant before they graduated High School.

Right now your main concern is your daughter and your future grandchild. Time to be a man, and build that nest for her. An 18 year old single mom is going to have a damn tough time supporting herself and her child. Even if the Boyfriend sticks it out, he is not going to have real earning potential for a few years. She is going to need a lot of family support, because she also realized that her future dreams may be shattered or at least delayed. Talk to her, assure her she will be taken care of, and make plans together. However later on when the baby is born remind her that she is the Mom and will have that responsibility. She must know that your going to help out, but that she is not going to dump that child on her grandparents so she can live the life of a teenager 24/7.

Also something to think about with your other kids and all the other posters out there. TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT SEX, BIRTH CONTROL, AND CONDOMS.

shot1
05-19-2009, 08:15
Don't make a big mistake worse. DO NOT FORCE THE BOY TO MARRY HER! I have dealt with this a few times over the past 30 years through my church. 99 % of the time it does not work out and just makes things worse. Let your daughter have the child and make her take responsibility for it. Make the father pay support for a couple of years and see how he takes responsibility for his actions and if he takes interest in the child. If during this time space he really shows that he loves your daughter and the child then help them get married. If he does not care about the child or your daughter it will show up and you will not have to deal with the divorce and all the bad stuff. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Bilbo Bagins
05-19-2009, 12:03
Don't make a big mistake worse. DO NOT FORCE THE BOY TO MARRY HER! I have dealt with this a few times over the past 30 years through my church. 99 % of the time it does not work out and just makes things worse. Let your daughter have the child and make her take responsibility for it. Make the father pay support for a couple of years and see how he takes responsibility for his actions and if he takes interest in the child. If during this time space he really shows that he loves your daughter and the child then help them get married. If he does not care about the child or your daughter it will show up and you will not have to deal with the divorce and all the bad stuff. Two wrongs don't make a right.

+1 sound advice. Its not like it was back several decades ago when 18 year olds got married regularly. Today's 18 year old is not very mature and usually does not come around into adulthood until much later. If this boy is very mature and really loves your daughter, and she love him, they get along long term, then things will turn out alright.

Most of the time though teens hook up with one another for all the wrong reason. Think about your teenage years and the girls you dated. Were they all marriage material? This boy may have a tough time adjusting to what he has created, and act immature. Have him pay child support, but your not going to know if he is bad choice to be a future husband and father until much later. If he is real bad guy, if he is already paying child support, the best way to get him out of your lives is to cut him loose. Offer dropping child support in exchange for full custody.

FrogWithAGlock
05-20-2009, 14:22
+1 sound advice. Its not like it was back several decades ago when 18 year olds got married regularly. Today's 18 year old is not very mature and usually does not come around into adulthood until much later. If this boy is very mature and really loves your daughter, and she love him, they get along long term, then things will turn out alright.

Most of the time though teens hook up with one another for all the wrong reason. Think about your teenage years and the girls you dated. Were they all marriage material? This boy may have a tough time adjusting to what he has created, and act immature. Have him pay child support, but your not going to know if he is bad choice to be a future husband and father until much later. If he is real bad guy, if he is already paying child support, the best way to get him out of your lives is to cut him loose. Offer dropping child support in exchange for full custody.

Nope, not full custody. Drop child support only in exchange for terminating parental rights (and only if that is in the best interests of the child). Otherwise, he can sue for visitation at any point.

EODLRD
05-21-2009, 19:15
Good Luck!

G26packer
05-21-2009, 19:18
I went through a period of rebellion as well. Although I never ended up pregnant, it was still not an ideal situation. I was Daddy's little girl and ended up hurting and dissapointing him the most. I want you to know that what is done is done... and blaming yourself and thinking about what you could have done different isn't going to change the situation as it stands now.
I left home at 18 and got married to a wonderful man who I am still married to and have two beautiful children today. My father spent years blaming himself and thinking that it was something that he had done, because he took what I did so personally (what parent can't) and blamed himself. It took him a while to realize that it was a choice that I made, and even though they tried to guide me in a completely different direction, I was going to end up doing what they want to do anyway.
You need to try and understand that although this situation isn't ideal, and it wasn't part of all your hopes and dreams that you had for her when she was young, you are still a good parent. She is an adult, but at 18 she is still a child and she still needs your help, no matter what she says.
You need to let her know that although this is a consequence of her actions, she is a part of the family and you are all going to go through this together, do whatever you have to do to make it right.
There are plenty of successful single mothers out there, she can still have all of those things that you have hoped for her in the past.
I am sure that she thinks that her life is over, we all know that is not true because we are adults and have that life experience and knowledge that she doesn't.
Remember that your other children are watching you, watching how you deal with this, and this will have a big part in how they conduct themselves in the future, even if they are young.. children feel far more stress from us than we realize. Although she is in a very adult situation, you know your daughter the very best of everyone, don't make her feel like you are blaming any of your other problems on her.
I know that you feel like you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells when it was her that made the mistake, but we are dealing with a child, and as unpredictable as they are you need to make sure that you are prepared for anything.
Your daughter needs to be loved.. but don't let her take advantage of you, it is so easy to do on both ends. Good luck, you know that we're all pulling for you and you have our support.

glockluver
05-21-2009, 23:37
I went through a period of rebellion as well. Although I never ended up pregnant, it was still not an ideal situation. I was Daddy's little girl and ended up hurting and dissapointing him the most. I want you to know that what is done is done... and blaming yourself and thinking about what you could have done different isn't going to change the situation as it stands now.
I left home at 18 and got married to a wonderful man who I am still married to and have two beautiful children today. My father spent years blaming himself and thinking that it was something that he had done, because he took what I did so personally (what parent can't) and blamed himself. It took him a while to realize that it was a choice that I made, and even though they tried to guide me in a completely different direction, I was going to end up doing what they want to do anyway.
You need to try and understand that although this situation isn't ideal, and it wasn't part of all your hopes and dreams that you had for her when she was young, you are still a good parent. She is an adult, but at 18 she is still a child and she still needs your help, no matter what she says.
You need to let her know that although this is a consequence of her actions, she is a part of the family and you are all going to go through this together, do whatever you have to do to make it right.
There are plenty of successful single mothers out there, she can still have all of those things that you have hoped for her in the past.
I am sure that she thinks that her life is over, we all know that is not true because we are adults and have that life experience and knowledge that she doesn't.
Remember that your other children are watching you, watching how you deal with this, and this will have a big part in how they conduct themselves in the future, even if they are young.. children feel far more stress from us than we realize. Although she is in a very adult situation, you know your daughter the very best of everyone, don't make her feel like you are blaming any of your other problems on her.
I know that you feel like you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells when it was her that made the mistake, but we are dealing with a child, and as unpredictable as they are you need to make sure that you are prepared for anything.
Your daughter needs to be loved.. but don't let her take advantage of you, it is so easy to do on both ends. Good luck, you know that we're all pulling for you and you have our support.
Thank you and every body so much for your insight and prayers.