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golls17
08-07-2009, 13:16
OK, so this is more of a guy's issue involving women, but bear with me...

I am been trying to get my fiance to consider the idea of carrying. She has said that it would take something fairly significant to get her to carry, to which I responded that, unfortunately, that might be too late.

I have already told her how much she means to me (obviously, if we're getting married), even without bringing up carrying, and I want the best for her. She knows the reason I started carrying was for protecting her and myself (and soon, our baby girl).

I don't want to push the topic on her too much for fear of completely turning her off to it, but want to be able to bring it up every now and then.

I took her to the range once. She said it wasn't so bad, but doesn't know that she would go again any time soon.

So, any other ideas other than just waiting until she says she wants to? What got you ladies to start carrying?

Beware Owner
08-07-2009, 13:20
This spells trouble for your marriage if not handled now. That's a promise.

kcb
08-07-2009, 15:24
So, any other ideas other than just waiting until she says she wants to? What got you ladies to start carrying?

Time and the state of our community gradually convinced me.

She may be reluctant while her baby(ies) is young. I know that scared me a lot...guns in the house when I had babies. My husband has had guns in our home since we have been married. But he always kept them up and out of sight (and mind).

I bravely protected my girls by having a baseball bat under my bed. :supergrin: Now I realize how silly that was but NO one could have convinced me differently until I came to the realization on my own.

We are taught that guns are bad and kill us. When I realized it could be them or me....I decided it would be them. My dad had a gun, which I now have, but my mom never had anything to do with it. I guess I carried on that idea for many years.

Give her time and be patient with her. Don't press too hard. Educate her in a loving manner about the rights and need.

I don't agree that it is a deal breaker in a relationship, unless you make it that way.

Good luck.

golls17
08-07-2009, 21:04
Beware Owner - It's basically handled at the point of a compromise right now. I'm OK with her not carrying, just would rather if she did. She's OK with me carrying most of the time.

kcb - Yes, babies are pretty much the main reason she has had reservations on carrying, and even with me carrying. Basically, we decided now that when I am holding/feeding/changing etc. (basically doing anything with) baby, she doesn't want me carrying. I tried to talk her into letting me carry concealed at those times, but she wouldn't budge, and since I don't feel like going through the pain of constantly holstering/unholstering throughout the course of the day, I decided that I'll just leave it in my sock drawer (where it lives at night until baby starts crawling). She is still OK with me carrying while we're out in public.

We agreed that when I finally get hired by a police dept, we will "renegotiate" our in-house carrying rules.

I guess it's small battles... it took me 3 weeks to get her to just keep pepper spray in her purse.

furioso2112
08-07-2009, 21:13
My wife is so far from carrying it's essentially practice at running through the same old 'guns are not the problem' arguments any time it comes up. She refuses to consider the logic or adopt it, but realizes that I am right. She thinks there is some other argument that makes guns a bad idea, and she just hasn't found it yet, so she sticks to the same old anti-gun stuff, jumps on the media/Brady wagon every chance she gets..."see? see? that proves it!" "Uh, no babe, think of this...blah blah blah." "Yeah, I guess."

golls17
08-07-2009, 21:26
furioso - what came first in your life (chronologically, not priority-wise): guns or your wife?

For me, we were engaged before I got into guns (at least, got seriously into them and bought one), so I can understand why she is more hesitant as if she knew me to always be a gun guy.

Beware Owner
08-08-2009, 09:43
Oh, well, if she doesn't have a problem with you carrying, you're good!

Douglas in CT
08-08-2009, 13:24
Education is the first step. :)

-Articles from www.keepandbeararms.com presented every other day.

- Meeting and conversations with other women who CCW.

- CCW course.

Mrs. Tink
08-10-2009, 12:32
You can't convince other people by pressing them on any issue--they must decide for themselves what they want to do. You are doing a great thing by telling her how much she and the baby mean to you, and that you want to defend them.

Her behavior may frustrate and even infuriate you at times, but if you push it, she will push back and will get farther from where you want her to be. You have made it known how you feel. When you bring it up, do so as delicately as possible.

I started carrying when I became more aware of the world and certain situations that give me the willies. I went to a women's convention two weeks ago, and it was definitely a target-rich environment. Probably one security guard for every 800 women. Walking at night. Unsavory neighborhoods. No thanks--I'd rather even up the odds a little bit. Other situations, too: people get shot on the light rail. So now I carry on the light rail. Traveling on remote mountain roads: will I even be able to call police, much less survive until they get to me? Now I carry while driving long distances.

Jim S.
08-10-2009, 19:28
This spells trouble for your marriage if not handled now. That's a promise.

I don't see this as something that will ruin your marriage. If she has no problem with you carrying then let her get used to it slowly and learn from you in time.
My wife has never been a gun person, and I accept that. I am a gun person and she tolerates that. Not really a problem.
Do not go any faster than she is comfortable with.

PilotKitten
08-10-2009, 21:08
I don't carry yet (don't even have a handgun), but I would like to eventually. I think even if I went out and bought a gun tomorrow, I would still have personal issues with carrying at first. I just don't feel comfortable with the idea yet. Not because I'm afraid of the gun or an AD or anything like that, I just know that I'm not "used to it". It's kind've hard to explain... I guess I'd want to be more comfortable handling it, take it to the range a lot to get a feel for it before I'd start to carry it on me all the time.

I don't mind my husband carrying at all though. He's confident in carrying and handling firearms so I'm pretty comfortable with that. I'm not so confident in my own abilities though, so I'd be wary of myself. If that makes any sense....

Beware Owner
08-11-2009, 06:51
I don't see this as something that will ruin your marriage. If she has no problem with you carrying then let her get used to it slowly and learn from you in time.
My wife has never been a gun person, and I accept that. I am a gun person and she tolerates that. Not really a problem.
Do not go any faster than she is comfortable with.

Pretty much sums up what I said in Post #7.

NDC187
08-11-2009, 13:57
I wouldn't bring it up to her at all. Everytime you go to the range, invite her. Let her make up her own mind and respect her decision.

Aslong as she doesn't mind you carrying I don't see it an issue.

Tailhunter
08-11-2009, 19:38
It is a little late to worry about the gun issue ... I take it you have a baby on the way .. and she is still in the fiancee stage of relationship.

PilotKitten
08-11-2009, 21:31
It is a little late to worry about the gun issue ... I take it you have a baby on the way .. and she is still in the fiancee stage of relationship.

I'm not sure I understand this? Her view doesn't sound at all like a "deal-breaker"/"my way or the highway" thing you typically see around here leading to divorce. She's open to the idea but just needs time it looks like.

Agent6-3/8
08-11-2009, 22:29
I wouldn't bring it up to her at all. Everytime you go to the range, invite her. Let her make up her own mind and respect her decision.

As long as she doesn't mind you carrying I don't see it an issue.

+1

Totally agree. If there's not a problem, I don't see a need to make one. While I have made the decision to CCW, I would in no way try to force my decision on my wife or GF. Honestly, thats no different than an anti-gun wife/GF trying to force her opinion on you.

Give her time and let her make up her own mind.

Mrs.Cicero
08-12-2009, 18:15
the whole being stalked by a cougar thing converted me. I swore I'd never go backpacking again with only a rock and not a gun. Then logic took over and i realized that I likely wouldn't do any better against an armed attacker than a cougar unless i was at least as well armed, and BETTER trained... and so now my vacations are gun classes either with Mr.Cicero, or alone when I need a week off from the entire family! Baby girls are cute (i have 2), but every mom needs stress relief now and then, and i take mine at the range, where the bullets go where i tell them to go, when i tell them to go, quickly and with a good attitude!

Mrs.Cicero

mythaeus
08-13-2009, 13:09
Don't force the issue. Like others have said, it's something that she has to be decided for herself. There can be much more severe consequences to doing something that someone is not comfortable or ready to do.

Besides, since she's expecting, she can't go to the range to practice anyway. Having shot once is hardly a comforting factor for carrying. Give it time, be patient, take her to the range again after she has the baby and let her be more comfortable with shooting first. Let her walk before asking her to run. If she's comfortable with handling and shooting guns and still won't carry, then find out what makes her uncomfortable and counter accordingly (facts, figures, personal defend trainings, etc.).

Best of luck,
Al

Lady Glock
08-13-2009, 13:23
I had an attacker break into MY HOUSE and rape me. If I had a tool of self defense at the time, I wouldn't have to be living through the aftermath of that every 3 years when he comes up for parole, and I wouldn't have had to worry about whether I was going to die at the hand of this man with the weapon he held to my throat or even die later of an STD. (I was tested every 6 months for several years afterward).


There are many in-home break ins every day in our country...if your weapon is in the sock drawer, it isn't doing you a whole lot of good :(

golls17
08-13-2009, 15:01
I'm not sure I understand this? Her view doesn't sound at all like a "deal-breaker"/"my way or the highway" thing you typically see around here leading to divorce. She's open to the idea but just needs time it looks like.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. I'm just trying to ensure her safety when I'm not around.

I had an attacker break into MY HOUSE and rape me. If I had a tool of self defense at the time, I wouldn't have to be living through the aftermath of that every 3 years when he comes up for parole, and I wouldn't have had to worry about whether I was going to die at the hand of this man with the weapon he held to my throat or even die later of an STD. (I was tested every 6 months for several years afterward).


There are many in-home break ins every day in our country...if your weapon is in the sock drawer, it isn't doing you a whole lot of good :(

I'm sorry to hear that. One of our good friends was in a similar situation. She was raped at gunpoint and pistol-whipped a lot during it. She hates being around guns now and would never shoot one herself, but is a firm believer that if she had a way to protect herself she could have stopped it. She's all for gun ownership, and hasn't talked to my fiance yet but would probably tell her to at the very least learn how to operate it and handle it well in case she needed it.

Jim S.
08-13-2009, 16:36
Home break ins are the one instance that should always be met by an armed homeowner.
Unfortunately most people have the thought that it won't happen to them.
It is equally dangerous on the streets of any big city and we should all be armed in that instance too.
I would think that most people who are not gun minded would have a change of heart after surviving a violent encounter with a bad guy.
I do not understand someone remaining unprepared after the incident. Are they still thinking it won't happen to me? (again)
Perhaps they are so non violent in nature that they cannot possibly act in any other way.
I have had several experiences where I needed a gun and didn't have one. I am lucky to be here today.
I have also had several experiences where having a gun saved my life.
I do not consider our society safe and I always carry a gun. I have friends and family who say I am paranoid.
I simply think of it as being realistic, not paranoid. They have not experienced the things that I have.
I want to reinforce the fact that carrying a gun for personal protection is a wise decision and it is not unusual or wrong as some would have us believe.
Most anti gun politicians have armed body guards, so they are not foolish when it comes to their lives.
I recommend being prepared for the worst case senario and thanking the Lord if it does not become a reality.
For those who have survived a violent crime, it is your right to be prepared for the next time. It is important to have the proper mind set. We need not be victims ever again.
We will not be victims ever again.
We will be prepared. We will be strong. We will survive.
Lady Glock, may the Lord bless you with peace in your life and strength of spirit.

charleym3
08-13-2009, 19:04
This is an issue that has to be approached like raising a crop in hostile soil. Keep inviting her to the range. When your child is old enough, teach her to respect and operate firearms. Familiarity dispells fear.
My wife has actually been shooting longer than I have. When she was pregnant, all the rules changed. She once told me that "she allows me to keep guns in the house" when our son was 6. She flipped out when I got my CCW and thinks that I'm part of the problem.
Unfortunatly, now, she works in a place with zero security and leaves late at night. She still disapproves of conealed carry and my CCW in particular. She literally would rather be raped and killed than back down from her position. I pray every day that it doesn't ever come to that.
Count your blessings that she is reasonable. Be the strong one and invite her to join you in the strength to protect yourself and your child in whatever situation you find yourself in. No one "expects" their car to break down and everyone has gone through undesireable neighborhoods. If those two events come together at the same time, the police are minutes away when seconds count if her cell phone works. For 40 minutes last night, nothing worked for a square mile around my house. The life of her child could well depend on her ability to protect. The smart choice is to accept responsibility and prepare, then trust your training and hope for the best.
Every time I see a news story about a man that kills his ex, I point out that, if she had a gun she would have had a chance. Without one she had none. Eventually a rational person will come around. My wife isn't always rational. It sounds like yours is and I really wish you the very best.

Lady Glock
08-13-2009, 19:50
Ask her if this sounds reasonable to her

"Today, I'm going to be in a car accident. It will happen because another driver will be drunk and careless. I will be maimed for life (or possibly dead). I bought life insurance so you and our daughter will be provided for"

or

"Today, a crazy man will rob a bank. While in flight from the police, he will find himself in our neighborhood with the need of somewhere to hide. He will choose our house. He will break in and threaten you and our daughter. I bought you a gun to use against such an occurance and have offered to provide you with training so you and our daughter will be provided for in my absence...will you accept it if you know it means protecting the life of our baby and yourself?"

Neither thing can truly be planned...all you can do is protect yourself in the case it does happen. Will she contribute to the protection of your family or will she fight against you and help evil prevail?

skullhead
08-13-2009, 19:55
Don't push her! let it go. Many women do not feel comfortable around guns. Although that has come a long way...guns are still a man's best friend.

Take her shooting. Let her be involved with the process but pushing it isn't a solution to a problem (life threating situation) yet to (maybe happen.)

You carry and be a man of integrity and intention. If she decides it will come from her own self; not you.

ThrillSeeker
08-13-2009, 21:14
I have been married to the same woman for 30 years on 8/24. She went shooting with me once and did not like it. She has allowed me the comfort of keeping my guns in our home, Keeping a load handgun safely in the house as our three daughters grew up and I have CCW license, shoot regularly and she does not. Two of daughters' are Pro Guns and the younger one is a little like her mother, not Anti Guns but, not a firearms person.

If she is the woman you chose to have your kids, she must be great in your opinion. As such you need to protect her (and your family) because she is worth it.

Accepting each other and wearing each others' shoes is the first step to a very long and loving relationship. Be happy she alllows you to be part of her life. Accepting each other, as you are, is the most important part of all true relationships.

In time she may see the value of learning to shoot and may come to see things your way. My wife allowed me to train my daughters when they got older. Who knows when she sees HER girls at a GSSF match she may try it too.

Good luck, Be Happy, Stay Safe.

furioso2112
08-13-2009, 22:45
furioso - what came first in your life (chronologically, not priority-wise): guns or your wife?

For me, we were engaged before I got into guns (at least, got seriously into them and bought one), so I can understand why she is more hesitant as if she knew me to always be a gun guy.

Guns came first. I was around guns my entire life; I shot a BB gun running aroun in the country as a kid, learned good safety. I knew I wanted a handgun for years before I finally bought one in '96 (?). Met my wife in '98. Became more interested in guns and gun issues, and a friend bought me several guns (he had a lot of social issues, and I was his friend since elementary school, the only relationship that he had been able to maintain outside his family; he started making a lot of money and was generous with me). When my state went to 'shall-issue,' I signed up early and have increased the amount of time ad effort I put into shooting and gun issues. I have honed my ability to effectively communicate with anti-gunners ad those on the fence, and for a few years it has been the only 'hobby' I have.

I have always taken it seriously, and I spent a lot of time letting sleeping dogs lie. Now when gun issues come up, I am typically the most knowledgeable and practiced gun advocate in my professional and social circles, so I speak my mind.

I suppose I recommend finding the balance between keeping up with your sport and involving her. If you don't push the issue so much that she becomes defensive and solidifies her antigun stance just so you have somehting to debate, she'll likely eventually at least acknowledge that it is something that is important to you, and will respect it. If things go even better, she'll want to become involved and it will be something postive that you brought to your relationship. Enjoy.