Shooting in the Texas sun can be hazardous to your health. [Archive] - Glock Talk

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GioaJack
05-07-2010, 09:35
On Wednesday, after giving the company owner three good hours of work for ten hours of pay I found myself with plenty of warmth and hours of sunshine left. Having a hankering to do something and in lieu of the fact that none of my ex-wives live in Texas I realized the the borders of this huge state were my playground and my imagination was the limit of my activity. Being the creative little devil that I am... I decided to shoot.

Knowing that I had already shot all the .45 reloads I had brought with me I conducted a detailed search of my truck looking for some .380 reloads. I either hide things in a vehicle better than a smuggler in a drug cartel or I'm just no good at searching I came up with bupkis. Not to be denied I once again made a trip to the Ft. Worth Cabelas and purchased 2 boxes of steel cased, berdan primed .380's. Seeing as how all my moves are carefully planned well in advance I knew this particular ammunition would negate having to lay out my circus tent sized tarp to catch the brass.

I maneuvered the truck back out to the side of my buddy's pond and took up my normal shooting position. Having forgotten my collection of Diet Pepsi bottles I decided to concentrate on mud clods and various creepy, crawling and slithering creatures. Rattlesnakes are the prey of choice since my buddy doesn't want me shooting any of the, what he terms, 'good snakes', such as bull snakes, water snakes, grass snakes, etc. For some reason he thinks I'm related to Marlin Perkins and that I can recognize each individual species by casual glance. (I think he's a closet liberal.)

With my 50 foot safety perimeter always in effect the chance of a 'good snake' getting close enough for me to check it's crawling license is pretty remote. After all, I'm the guy that once shot a stuffed deer head during a burglary in progress... target identification is not my strong suit. Don't ever try to sneak up on me wearing a snake skin hat band.

Properly armed with a Walther PP and a Ruger LCP I began ridding the world of guilty mud clods masquerading as innocent mud clods. The Walther is certainly more accurate than the LCP, especially with it's single action trigger and superior size/weight. There is a certain visceral feeling watching brass disappear into the tall grass and knowing that you don't have to go searching for it.

The Walther went through the first box of cheap .380's slicker than excrement through a goose on a putting green. Next up was the diminutive Ruger LCP. I was reloading a second magazine full when a vehicle pulled up next to my truck and out popped my buddy's girlfriend toting her Taurus 9mm and four boxes of 120 RN I had loaded for her. Cognizant of my 50 foot safety zone she none-the-less scanned the landscape for potential slithering reptiles. She also is in no way related to Marlin Perkins or any of his lineage. (Girls are afraid of snakes don't ya know.)

Carrying her firearm plunder with earmuffs perched atop hey ponytailed head she got within feet of me when she abruptly stopped and I noticed the look of sheer terror on her face. Fearing the worst I immediately judged the distance from my position to the open bed of the truck and deduced that if I hit her with an arm sweep I stood an excellent chance of actually knocking her to the ground and distracting what I envisioned was a poisonous reptile while I scampered to safety. The plan seemed foolproof. My buddy is a reasonably good looking guy... he can always get another girlfriend. I, on the other hand am impossible to replace.

As I scanned the ground around my feet I heard her exclaim... "My God Jack, what happened to you?"

This caused me a bit of consternation since I had no idea what she was talking about. Was my fly open and the resulting exposure blurring the lenses of satellite based cameras? "What, what are you talking about... what's wrong?" I am the epitome of calmness under pressure.

"Look at yourself... what happened to your skin?"

A quick visual inspection revealed hundreds and hundreds of reddish circular welts covering every exposed inch of skin. My calmness was beginning to fail me. My first thought was bug bites but there were no obvious flying bugs. Ants... I had to be standing in a pile of fire ants and my manly, leather like skin kept me from feeling the bites that would bring a lesser man screaming to his knees. A search of the ground revealed no ants. Hay, could I be suffering a reaction to hay? I've been walking through hay fields for over 30 years... never had a reaction of any kind... not even a sneezing fit. My calmness had by now completely abandoned me and was allowing irrational concern to rear its ugly head.

Being the safe gun handler that I am I fired off seven rounds from the LCP as fast as my finger could pull the trigger and used my now shaking hand to put it in its holster in the truck. My breathing was becoming shallow and rapid... cognizant thought was quickly becoming a foggy memory.

"We need to get you some help... get in my car, we're going to the hospital! (I think secretly my buddy's girlfriend wants me... unfortunately it's so much of a secret even she doesn't know it.)

We drove at what I have to assume was illegal speeds to the hospital although I have no memory of the trip what-so-ever. I do have a vague memory of a horn blowing when we pulled under the portico of the emergency room and two people pouring me into a wheelchair. Apparently my visual condition was of great concern since there was no stopping to give insurance information, next of kin notification or even organ donor status. (Thank God Obama's healthcare hasn't kicked in yet.)

I was placed on a gurney in an examination room and within moments was surrounded by a bevy of nurses and doctors. Through the fog of the escalating medical crisis I could here mutterings of consultations and directives and within minutes I had needles and tubes protruding from places where I didn't even know I had places. My thoughts drifted off to my dog... she would miss her daddy... my kids would enjoy their inheritance, the three ex-wives would probably bump into each other while dancing on my grave.

The hushed voices grew more concerned and I could detect the uncertainty as the doctors bantered about possible causes and medical remedies. The Chief of the emergency room staff was summoned for consultation. I recall them agreeing that a dermatology specialist in Austin needed to be in attendance. It was decided to dispatch a flight for life helicopter and transport me there as apparently that would be the most expeditious way of him rendering an opinion and medical treatment. I have no memory or the trip, apparently I was getting my money's worth of the anti-anxiety drugs and other medications they were pumping into me.

I found myself in yet another emergency department examination room. I assume I had been transported to a teaching hospital since the room was packed full of very young doctors, both male and female and several of questionable orientation.

I do remember a few minutes of serene clarity... I heard a door open and the room of doctors stepped aside as if Moses was parting the Red Sea. In stepped the obvious guru of epidermic maladies. Had there been a foot of water on the floor he would no doubt been walking atop it.

The senior doctor in attendance stepped forward and directed the specialist to my bedside. "Doctor, this is the patient... as you can see he presents with circular red welts covering all exposed flesh. We are completely baffled by their origin and unable to come up with any educated prognosis."

Through reptilian like eye slits I was able to make out his blurry form. He visually scanned my exposed skin, muttering to himself and occasionally nodding his head. At one point he stopped, reached into the pocket of his white coat, presumably for the newest implement of medical technology... instead he withdrew a stick of Black Jack chewing gum, popped it in his mouth, chewed for a few moments then announced, "He's fine... send him home."

The senior doctor in attendance was incredulous, as were all the student onlookers. "Doctor, Doctor... what do you mean send him home. We're faced with a medical mystery of potentially horrific proportions. What if the patient has been the victim of some sort of terrorist attack... anthrax or possibly ricin poisoning? What if he drank from a contaminated water supply or was exposed to some airborne toxin or carcinogen? These welts could be contagious... they could possibly infect everyone in north Texas.

The specialist calmly chewed his Black Jack and slowly shook his head. "Nope, none of that is of any concern. He's fine... send him home. Who do I send my bill to?"

"But the welts, the circular red welts... what could possibly be causing them?"

"Simple, common malady, especially with a man of his particular physical features... women touching him with ten foot poles."

Other than that the day was relatively uneventful shooting the Walther and the LCP.






















I'm really, really bored. :whistling:

Jack

Murph33
05-07-2010, 09:53
Jack, I always enjoy reading your commentaries/stories. Always well written and always good for a laugh.

Bob2223
05-07-2010, 10:12
Good one Jack!

I've been caught up in other serious story's from your imagination right before the punch line was delivered.
This time I started thinking about half way through and I was right!

Fun read !

Bob :supergrin:

Gunnut 45/454
05-07-2010, 10:18
Yep those steal cases are murder! Or were they Aluminum? Either way they should put a warning on the box !! Don't wear loose fitting shorts!:wow::rofl::wow:

OKGlocker
05-07-2010, 10:20
Lol, Jack...
And you said they would never do that!
Well, wait... or was that C4W that said they women would never do that to you?? Hmmm...
:rofl:

Karl

n2extrm
05-07-2010, 18:16
I find myself looking foward to these jack threads. My wife is now reading them and laughing as well.
Thanks jack!

Arm sweep:rofl:

Deer head:rofl:

This one hurt a little.

robin303
05-07-2010, 18:56
Jack, I always enjoy reading your commentaries/stories. Always well written and always good for a laugh.

:agree:You got that right.:supergrin: