Some Jokes To Lighten The Mood [Archive] - Glock Talk

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GunZnWomen
01-16-2003, 21:28
Please try to keep them relatively clean.

Here's my contribution:

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking.

Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says "Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.

By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room.

The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy.

The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

drod
01-16-2003, 21:41
Originally posted by GunZnWomen
Please try to keep them relatively clean.

Here's my contribution:

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking.

Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says "Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.

By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room.

The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy.

The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

;f

BrianDamage
01-16-2003, 21:57
hey, this is a good idea.

we ought to have a forum dedicated to jokes and stuff! that would be cool. We could call it "The LIghter SIde", or something catchy like that.

GunZnWomen
01-16-2003, 22:03
Everyone's been talking about how GNG has been tense lately.

I give up...

PatrolMom
01-16-2003, 22:59
Originally posted by GunZnWomen
Everyone's been talking about how GNG has been tense lately.

I give up...

You've only been here a month...how could you be tense, yet? ;Q ;g

Glock n Stein
01-16-2003, 23:02
Don't laugh at dead dogs.

Or Mod of a House that rips many off.

PatrolMom
01-16-2003, 23:05
Originally posted by Glock n Stein
Don't laugh at dead dogs.

Or Mod of a House that rips one off.

Go ahead, have another drink...see if we care. ;g

Glock n Stein
01-16-2003, 23:08
So you throw a party,

and one of your helpers rips off many attendants.

They complain/notify,

all remain silent?!

forthehalibut
01-16-2003, 23:11
Originally posted by Glock n Stein
So you throw a party,

and one of your helpers rips off many attendants.

They complain/notify,

all remain silent?!


That is THE WORST haiku I have ever read!;g

BrianDamage
01-16-2003, 23:13
Originally posted by GunZnWomen
Everyone's been talking about how GNG has been tense lately.

I give up...

I'm not tense...just a smartass;f

lighten up, Francis;)

jame
01-16-2003, 23:17
Wow.......how prophetic this one has become.

Nice try GZW.

GunZnWomen
01-16-2003, 23:29
Thank you. (sigh)

WolfmanGK
01-16-2003, 23:33
Ok, uhhh time for another joke. Anyone?

GunZnWomen
01-16-2003, 23:40
...;P

jame
01-16-2003, 23:43
A quick shot:

A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer and a mop.;c ;a

BigDeeeeeeee
01-16-2003, 23:43
Originally posted by Eddie C.
"I think she got fired too."

AAAhahahahahaha!!! Didn't see that one coming. ;f

BigDeeeeeeee
01-16-2003, 23:47
A guy walks into a bar...


















































Watch where you're going dumbass!;f

GunZnWomen
01-16-2003, 23:51
What's the differnce between a mosquito and a blonde?

I can't tell you or this thread will definitely be locked.

Eddie C.
01-16-2003, 23:57
Another one:

Two Dead Blondes"

Two Blondes waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation, "How'd you die?" the first blonde asked the second. "I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze
to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.".
How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde. "I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as
I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity, if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Eddie C.
01-16-2003, 23:59
Third one:

An engineer dies and reports to hell.

Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Eddie C.
01-17-2003, 00:01
At first I thought that my life was going around in circles. Then I realized it's actually a downward spiral. eddie;f

Eddie C.
01-17-2003, 00:03
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. eddie;f

GunZnWomen
01-17-2003, 00:04
;f ;f

You the man Eddie!!!

You remind me not to let the bastards grind me down! ;c

Eddie C.
01-17-2003, 00:05
One more time:

Rude Druggist
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"

itgoesboom
01-17-2003, 00:05
Originally posted by Glock n Stein
So you throw a party,

and one of your helpers rips off many attendants.

They complain/notify,

all remain silent?!

Ummmmm, does anyone know what Glock n Stein is talking about? Care to explain it to me?

I.G.B.

Pinned&Recessed
01-17-2003, 00:09
******** *** **** ****** ** * ******* * *** ***** ** ** *** **** *** ********* *********** ******** ******** ** **** ***** ** ** **** *** **** guy says, "you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" ;f


Wasn't that soooooo funny?;f ;f ;f

Edited to add: Silly language filter!;e

GunZnWomen
01-17-2003, 00:09
Originally posted by itgoesboom
Ummmmm, does anyone know what Glock n Stein is talking about? Care to explain it to me?

I.G.B.

I didn't want to appear ignorant, so I acted like I knew and all. You know, trying to be hip. But no, I haven't a clue.

WEMM61
01-17-2003, 00:11
Originally posted by PatrolMom
You've only been here a month...how could you be tense, yet? ;Q ;g

Go figure.

GunZnWomen
01-17-2003, 00:16
Hey Wemm. You're always welcome wherever I am.

Had any anal leakage, lately?

Edit - From Olestra?

DMXATF23
01-17-2003, 00:22
2 guys are chilling outside a bar, they've got $2 between them and its a Saturday Night and they feel like getting smashed. They're kind of mad, not being able to buy beer and do their weekly biddings. Just then the local hotdog salesman walks by, he just closed up shop for the day and a great idea hits one of the guys. He says to the other,"give me your money, Ive got a great idea."

He walks over to the hot dog guy and gets a hot dog, comes back to his friend and tells him his brilliant idea: "OK, you shove this hotdog down your pants, we go into the bar and get smashed, when the tab comes, you unzip your pants and I'll start sucking on the hot dog, the bartender will be so disgusted he'll throw us out and not make us pay the tab."

The other guy says,"That's a great idea." they go ahead and try their plan out. Sure enough, it works, the tab comes, the one guy drops down on his hands and knees and begins sucking on the hot dog and the barkeep throws them out. The 2 friends decide they're not drunk enough and do this 4 more times, finally they're pretty drunk and the one guy says,"I think I've had enough and my hands and knees are starting to hurt from dropping to the floor so much."

His friend, equally as drunk and tired remarks,"You think you've got it bad, I lost the hot dog 2 bars ago."

your cool friend,
-chris

IRONSIGHT
01-17-2003, 00:31
Santa: Hello little girl. Come sit on Santa's lap and tell me what you want for Christmas.

Little Girl: I want a pony, and a dress and Barbie and G.I.Joe.

Santa: Don't you mean Ken? Barbie comes with Ken not G.I.Joe.

Little Girl: Nope. Barbie fakes it with Ken. She comes with G.I Joe.





Thank you, Thank you...I'll be here all week. :)

Patricia
01-17-2003, 09:09
GunZ, I can appreciate the sentiment but we do have a forum just for jokes. Since GnG already has more that its share of threads, I am going to move this on over there.

Folks, I had to delete a couple of the posts in this thread. Apparently some people forgot about the Keep It Clean! part. This is a family site ok. Joke or not, the rules still apply.

Balazo
01-17-2003, 10:23
Originally posted by PatrolMom
You've only been here a month...how could you be tense, yet? ;Q ;g

He did not say he was tense..he said GNG has been tense. I totally agree. Have I been here long enough to have a valid opinion? ;Q ;Q ;Q ;Q ;Q ;Q ;Q

ClaybusterBrad
01-17-2003, 14:31
Originally posted by GunZnWomen
What's the differnce between a mosquito and a blonde?

I can't tell you or this thread will definitely be locked.
I dunno but I know what the difference is between a blonde and a refridgerator.

ClaybusterBrad
01-17-2003, 14:32
Originally posted by Balazo
He did not say he was tense..he said GNG has been tense. I totally agree. Have I been here long enough to have a valid opinion? ;Q ;Q ;Q ;Q ;Q ;Q ;Q
You go boy...that's the way...