tips from martha with ps from Ollie [Archive] - Glock Talk

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lethal tupperwa
01-19-2003, 06:13
The following is very good advice from Martha to the following

people...Rednecks and People from that place called Texas.


GENERAL:

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still

considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


DINING OUT:

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour

slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your

fingers covering the label.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a

taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his

manners are.


PERSONAL HYGIENE:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be

done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.

However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend

to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.


DATING (Outside the Family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to

go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years

ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will

say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it

is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.


THEATER ETIQUETTE:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately

after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven

they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS:

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund

and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special

occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is

loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires

always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite

to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
(Ollie's note on this: Some years back I went to the funeral of a guy I
hunted with for years. He owned a Home Improvement Company and other than
driving a station wagon with "CONV" tags, the only thing he ever drove was
one of several pick-up trucks he had. At the time, the only
reliable vehicle I had was a pick-up truck which I drove to Shenandoah and
to the funeral parlor where the service was held. When the service was over
- on the way out to form the procession to go to the cemetery, the funeral
director sought me out and asked me if I would like to ride with one of the
other pall-bearers and that would bring me back for my truck. I TOOK IT TO
MEAN HE DIDN'T WANT NO PICK-UP in his funeral procession. Later - at the
house - I mentioned it to the widow and she was somewhat appalled. She said
"Bernard would have considered it an honor for me to drive my pick-up in his
funeral procession."

lethal tupperwa
01-19-2003, 15:07
I drove my pick-up at my dads funeral.

larry_minn
01-20-2003, 00:12
At my dad's funeral the Pallbearers all wore yellow chore gloves. He was a farmer. As well as working a full time government job.