Homer is my Hero [Archive] - Glock Talk

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hermosabeach
01-24-2003, 22:15
Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

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Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: Oooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The Frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain sodium benzoate.
[Homer looks puzzled.] That's bad.!?
Homer: Can I go now?

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Homer: Here are your messages: You have 30 minutes to move your car. You have 10 minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube. You have 30 minutes to move your cube.

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Marge: I think we're going to need a bigger place.
Homer: No, we don't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's room and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu no

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Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to school children.

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Homer: So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.

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Homer: Hey, we didn't have a message on our answering machine when we left. How very odd.

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Homer: Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."

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Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening

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Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

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Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

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Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

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Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie... Police Academy.

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Newspaper editor: We're looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
Homer: Nah, it usually takes a few hours.

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Homer: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.

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Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game.
[doorbell rings]
Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick--
Homer: [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.
[Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but -- [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.

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Homer: Well Marge, have you ever seen a field glow like that?
Marge: It's eerily beautiful, but are you sure this is safe?
Homer: Of course not. But you know something? Sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart.
Marge: You got that from a movie poster.
Homer: Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.

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Homer: It's like David and Goliath, only this time David won!

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Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever: football fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take 2 tickets, and see the game Sunday morning.
Public Service Announcer: Warning. Tickets should NOT be taken internally.
Homer: See? Because of me, now they have a warning


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Homer: Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

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Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa's becoming very obsessive.
Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke! It just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa! Get in here. [Lisa walks in] In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

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Homer: Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson,
Lisa: never help anyone.

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[Homer can't stop the monorail]
Marge: I've brought somebody to help you.
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: It's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist?
Marge: It's NOT Batman.

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;a____________________________;I

smackthellama
01-26-2003, 13:25
The Movementarians

Homer: "Will there be beer?"
Movementarian: "Uh, beer is not allowed."
Homer: "Homer no function beer well without."