Irish jokes [Archive] - Glock Talk


View Full Version : Irish jokes

02-14-2003, 11:10
I did a quick search and saw some of these, but not all.

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a
pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies
buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands
another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his
fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit
it out!"
An Irish Fight:
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like
he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose
is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't
do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you
have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
Irish Cemetery:
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling
home from the pub late one night and found themselves on
the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's
grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it
says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what
else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from
Irish Predicament:
Drunk, Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a
Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says
nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the
Ole Mulvihill just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three
on the
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's
no paper on this side either.
Irish Last Request:
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his
Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,
did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'"