Your most bizarre, WTF story.... [Archive] - Glock Talk

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Nick.45
11-01-2011, 19:06
Like the title says, what were some of your WTF moments on the job. Ill start.

Had an inmate use nail clippers to cut open his johnson so that he could put the red and white pegs from the Battleship game under the skin. No joke, he wanted to be "firmer" for the ladies. Needless to say that using the nail clippers and game pieces that have been touched by thousands of the dirtiest people caused quite an infection. He refused to have them surgically removed and the Dr. wouldn't remove them without a court order, IIRC. His infection eventually cleared up and he was later deported back to Mexico.

More recently, had another inmate who was off his meds, shove 2 safety tooth brushes, the ones that are 2 inches long, up his urethra. I'm talking the whole toothbrush, bristles and all! :faint: I never heard how that one turned out. I hear the X-rays would make just about make even those with strong stomachs hurl.

Bruce M
11-01-2011, 19:18
I believe I may have offered this incident before but I am at that point where my memory sometimes stumbles. Guy calls because he wants to turn himself in and desk says he might be a bit disturbed (when the desk gets that on the phone usually the person is full blown stark raving.) I get there, hotel on beach, and guys says he wants to turn himself in as the Royal Canadian Mounted Police wants him. He did a shoplifting a few years back and then left Canada but knew it would eventually catch up with him. Says the RCMP was just on the beach. For other than that tidbit guy seems reasonably well hinged. He admitted to a few beers, knows the day, date, etc. and seems lucid except for the RCMP on the beach hunting him. I bundle him up and start in genreal direction of the recieving facility. A hotel or two up the beach, they are filled with motor homes. Back in the day (think Miami Vice) that meant some tv/movie/photo production. A bit more digging determines they are filming a commercial for tourism, specifically directed at Canadians... complete with an actor dressed as an RCMP officer with horse on the beach.

RyanNREMTP
11-01-2011, 19:32
http://washingtonexaminer.com/news/2009/04/man-stabbed-farting-waco-motel-room

What else is there to say?

msu_grad_121
11-01-2011, 20:04
Since you asked, I'm willing to relive this absolute calamity... Reposted from the "Did I ever tell you about..." thread, directly:

Did I ever tell you about the time...

...I had a "run-in" with a transexual?

Got a call from EMS that they were bring in a combative CSC victim and were going to need help getting them into the hospital for the kit. Waiting in the trauma triage area, the medic (with a BIG "cookie-eating" grin on his face) wheels in the patient, fully covered with a blanket. As soon as the chair stops, the patient jumps up wearing NOTHING but a thong. The nurses bring a gurney, and by now it's gotten around that there's a transexual in the ER.

The patient is wildly out of control, so the docs decide to use restraints, and ask us to help hold him...her...the patient down. They put on 2 restraints and wheel the patient back to the treatment area. Not 3 minutes later, a nurse comes screaming from the treatment area saying that this patient was going crazy. I respond (along with the only female officer working that night, I wasn't getting myself in THAT trick bag), and find out that the patient kicked a doctor in the face. The nurses ran to get more restraints, and the patient started fighting us, so I positioned myself near the patient's head, key-locked the free arm, and applied a mandibular angle pressure point. I advised the patient that they could be a gentleman, or they could be a lady, but dammit, they WOULD be one of them.

My partner locked up the patients legs and we sat there waiting for a nurse with restraints to lock up the free limbs. At this point, the patient became very quiet, then began moaning. My partner says to me "Hey, look" and sure enough, through the gown, it was evident that the patient was becoming...amorous. The patient then requested that I press in a certain other spot (NOT where you're thinking, and no I didn't comply) and moaned extremely loud that it felt good and then became very quiet.

When the nurses finally arrived, they put the restraints on the patients limbs and one pointed out that there was "evidence" on the patient's gown. And of course, all this happened in full view of the giant crowd of staff, EMS and other cops that had gathered to witness this crime against nature.

2 years and countless talks with a counselor and I'm just NOW starting to realize that it doesn't make me dirty forever.

DaBigBR
11-01-2011, 20:18
Best I can do is a condom full of piss found in the console of a car during a consent search. I honestly believe that the driver had no idea it was there, and he was completely mortified by it. He shared the car with his brother, who also happened to be a probationer, which explained everything. Not much of a story compared to some of the others on here.

3Speedyfish3
11-01-2011, 20:29
Nick,

Ya got me at a loss. WTF. Thanks for making me look twice at the toothbrush.

Randall

Vigilant
11-01-2011, 20:30
Since you asked, I'm willing to relive this absolute calamity... Reposted from the "Did I ever tell you about..." thread, directly:

Did I ever tell you about the time...

...I had a "run-in" with a transexual?

Got a call from EMS that they were bring in a combative CSC victim and were going to need help getting them into the hospital for the kit. Waiting in the trauma triage area, the medic (with a BIG "cookie-eating" grin on his face) wheels in the patient, fully covered with a blanket. As soon as the chair stops, the patient jumps up wearing NOTHING but a thong. The nurses bring a gurney, and by now it's gotten around that there's a transexual in the ER.

The patient is wildly out of control, so the docs decide to use restraints, and ask us to help hold him...her...the patient down. They put on 2 restraints and wheel the patient back to the treatment area. Not 3 minutes later, a nurse comes screaming from the treatment area saying that this patient was going crazy. I respond (along with the only female officer working that night, I wasn't getting myself in THAT trick bag), and find out that the patient kicked a doctor in the face. The nurses ran to get more restraints, and the patient started fighting us, so I positioned myself near the patient's head, key-locked the free arm, and applied a mandibular angle pressure point. I advised the patient that they could be a gentleman, or they could be a lady, but dammit, they WOULD be one of them.

My partner locked up the patients legs and we sat there waiting for a nurse with restraints to lock up the free limbs. At this point, the patient became very quiet, then began moaning. My partner says to me "Hey, look" and sure enough, through the gown, it was evident that the patient was becoming...amorous. The patient then requested that I press in a certain other spot (NOT where you're thinking, and no I didn't comply) and moaned extremely loud that it felt good and then became very quiet.

When the nurses finally arrived, they put the restraints on the patients limbs and one pointed out that there was "evidence" on the patient's gown. And of course, all this happened in full view of the giant crowd of staff, EMS and other cops that had gathered to witness this crime against nature.

2 years and countless talks with a counselor and I'm just NOW starting to realize that it doesn't make me dirty forever.

Condensed: "I once got into a wrestling match with a beaver with a lever".

Pics or it didn't happen. :rofl:

Glockdude1
11-01-2011, 20:31
Like the title says, what were some of your WTF moments on the job. Ill start.

Had an inmate use nail clippers to cut open his johnson so that he could put the red and white pegs from the Battleship game under the skin. No joke, he wanted to be "firmer" for the ladies. Needless to say that using the nail clippers and game pieces that have been touched by thousands of the dirtiest people caused quite an infection. He refused to have them surgically removed and the Dr. wouldn't remove them without a court order, IIRC. His infection eventually cleared up and he was later deported back to Mexico.

More recently, had another inmate who was off his meds, shove 2 safety tooth brushes, the ones that are 2 inches long, up his urethra. I'm talking the whole toothbrush, bristles and all! :faint: I never heard how that one turned out. I hear the X-rays would make just about make even those with strong stomachs hurl.

Several of our inmates use to use Dominos. They would break them into pieces and the same thing to their johnsons.

One night while making rounds, I walked up on a "surgery in progress." :wow:
The infections that have happened, should be posted for all the new inmates to see.

Walked up one night on a tattoo in progress. I could hear the tattoo gun running. I stepped into the cell and yelled, "WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE???"

The "tattoo artist" ended up stabbing his customer with the needle of the home made gun, because I scared him so bad.

I love my job.......... FCC Beaumont, BOP.

:supergrin:

Glockdude1
11-01-2011, 20:33
http://washingtonexaminer.com/news/2009/04/man-stabbed-farting-waco-motel-room

What else is there to say?

He got the point???

:rofl:

Vigilant
11-01-2011, 20:54
Several of our inmates use to use Dominos. They would break them into pieces and the same thing to their johnsons.I love my job.......... FCC Beaumont, BOP.

:supergrin:

Me too, in another part of the country. I can truly say, I belong behind bars. :supergrin:

Hack
11-01-2011, 20:55
He got the point???

:rofl:

Ah, indeed he did.:supergrin:

Hack
11-01-2011, 20:55
Me too, in another part of the country. I can truly say, I belong behind bars. :supergrin:

:rofl:

Hack
11-01-2011, 20:56
Several of our inmates use to use Dominos. They would break them into pieces and the same thing to their johnsons.

One night while making rounds, I walked up on a "surgery in progress." :wow:
The infections that have happened, should be posted for all the new inmates to see.

Walked up one night on a tattoo in progress. I could hear the tattoo gun running. I stepped into the cell and yelled, "WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE???"

The "tattoo artist" ended up stabbing his customer with the needle of the home made gun, because I scared him so bad.

I love my job.......... FCC Beaumont, BOP.

:supergrin:

RE: Domino in Johnson; Paisa?

Hack
11-01-2011, 20:57
Nick,

Ya got me at a loss. WTF. Thanks for making me look twice at the toothbrush.

Randall

Make sure it is thoroughly boiled, and sanitized. No problem.:rollingeyes:

Hack
11-01-2011, 21:01
Shoot, where to start? I had just started with Missouri working corrections for them. My first in the middle of the night count and there has to be this inmate lying on a bottom bunk greased up in his back side.

Another time we had an inmate transferring from the Missouri prison I was working at to someone else. The partner cellie came to the door watching him go, in tears and squalling like he was becoming a lonesome widow.

There was this one crazy Cuban detainee while working in the feds who decided to get rid of a gonad the hard way. I don't know how he got it out.:ack:

Nick.45
11-01-2011, 21:04
Nick,

Ya got me at a loss. WTF. Thanks for making me look twice at the toothbrush.

Randall

Anytime. I still shudder every time I think about it.

Vigilant
11-01-2011, 21:05
This is a true story. I know of a certain rocket scientist of an inmate who gnawed off his middle finger inside prison walls, and mailed to Pres. Bush the elder.


I know of another one who was so desperate to end his life, he gnawed through the veins in his wrists in an effort to bleed out.

Nick.45
11-01-2011, 21:13
We had a guy, before my time, who removed the razor blade from his razor and swallowed it. He was locked down until he passed it. When he finally did, he swallowed it again. This same guy would make poop figurines of anything that he could think of and decorate his cell with them. When officers entered his cell to remove him, he would then throw them at the officers.

Vigilant
11-01-2011, 21:50
We had a guy, before my time, who removed the razor blade from his razor and swallowed it. He was locked down until he passed it. When he finally did, he swallowed it again. This same guy would make poop figurines of anything that he could think of and decorate his cell with them. When officers entered his cell to remove him, he would then throw them at the officers.

I've never been hit with a steaming turd. God help anyone who tries that crap with me. No pun intended.

We had a certain sick, lame and lazy limpdick of a Seg Captain who was totally useless. He would just about let the bastards get away with murder. I came in to work Seg one morning at 0545, and the whole place was about to explode. Usually, that time of morning, it's dead quiet. I learned that, due to the piss poor management we had back then, one inmate was allowed to go hog wild, balls to the wall, all night. He flooded his cell several times, caused all sorts of other problems, and shouted profanities and racial slurs non-stop. They hauled two different inmates off in separate ambulances, who attempted suicide because Captain Terry Smith was a waste of human flesh. Both swallowed razor blades.

The Fist Of Goodness
11-01-2011, 21:51
Since you asked, I'm willing to relive this absolute calamity... Reposted from the "Did I ever tell you about..." thread, directly:

Did I ever tell you about the time...

...I had a "run-in" with a transexual?

Got a call from EMS that they were bring in a combative CSC victim and were going to need help getting them into the hospital for the kit. Waiting in the trauma triage area, the medic (with a BIG "cookie-eating" grin on his face) wheels in the patient, fully covered with a blanket. As soon as the chair stops, the patient jumps up wearing NOTHING but a thong. The nurses bring a gurney, and by now it's gotten around that there's a transexual in the ER.

The patient is wildly out of control, so the docs decide to use restraints, and ask us to help hold him...her...the patient down. They put on 2 restraints and wheel the patient back to the treatment area. Not 3 minutes later, a nurse comes screaming from the treatment area saying that this patient was going crazy. I respond (along with the only female officer working that night, I wasn't getting myself in THAT trick bag), and find out that the patient kicked a doctor in the face. The nurses ran to get more restraints, and the patient started fighting us, so I positioned myself near the patient's head, key-locked the free arm, and applied a mandibular angle pressure point. I advised the patient that they could be a gentleman, or they could be a lady, but dammit, they WOULD be one of them.

My partner locked up the patients legs and we sat there waiting for a nurse with restraints to lock up the free limbs. At this point, the patient became very quiet, then began moaning. My partner says to me "Hey, look" and sure enough, through the gown, it was evident that the patient was becoming...amorous. The patient then requested that I press in a certain other spot (NOT where you're thinking, and no I didn't comply) and moaned extremely loud that it felt good and then became very quiet.

When the nurses finally arrived, they put the restraints on the patients limbs and one pointed out that there was "evidence" on the patient's gown. And of course, all this happened in full view of the giant crowd of staff, EMS and other cops that had gathered to witness this crime against nature.

2 years and countless talks with a counselor and I'm just NOW starting to realize that it doesn't make me dirty forever.

Did you take the "Crying Game" shower?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSPtSEIlp8A :rofl:

Nick.45
11-01-2011, 21:59
I've never been hit with a steaming turd. God help anyone who tries that crap with me. No pun intended.

We had a certain sick, lame and lazy limpdick of a Seg Captain who was totally useless. He would just about let the bastards get away with murder. I came in to work Seg one morning at 0545, and the whole place was about to explode. Usually, that time of morning, it's dead quiet. I learned that, due to the piss poor management we had back then, one inmate was allowed to go hog wild, balls to the wall, all night. He flooded his cell several times, caused all sorts of other problems, and shouted profanities and racial slurs non-stop. They hauled two different inmates off in separate ambulances, who attempted suicide because Captain Terry Smith was a waste of human flesh. Both swallowed razor blades.

Kinda sounds like your Capt. came from my county. Had an total ****** tard smear his feces all over his cell and himself, after trying to hit me with it by throwing it under his cell door. The Sgt. decided to let him sit in it for 3 hours before extracting him and cleaning him up. The god awful smell was horrid. He ended up breaking the sprinkler head in his cell later that day. Somehow I was blamed for it. :dunno:

I was "relieved" from working in the seg unit. Fine with me, less paperwork to do.

Glockdude1
11-01-2011, 22:15
RE: Domino in Johnson; Paisa?

Si senor........ :supergrin:

Glockdude1
11-01-2011, 22:19
This is a true story. I know of a certain rocket scientist of an inmate who gnawed off his middle finger inside prison walls, and mailed to Pres. Bush the elder.

One of the Cuban we had a few years back, bit one of his fingers off and tried to mail it out. It was found before it went into a mail bag.

Another Cuban, got mad at his testicles. He used dental floss......

For the amount of blood in the cell, I still cannot believe he LIVED.....

:shocked:

msu_grad_121
11-01-2011, 22:24
Condensed: "I once got into a wrestling match with a beaver with a lever".

Pics or it didn't happen. :rofl:

Damn. It. FTW, man! :rofl::rofl::rofl:

And yes, I took that shower, but I found out, you can't wash off psychological scarring, no matter how hard you scrub!

Vigilant
11-01-2011, 22:48
Kinda sounds like your Capt. came from my county. Had an total ****** tard smear his feces all over his cell and himself, after trying to hit me with it by throwing it under his cell door. The Sgt. decided to let him sit in it for 3 hours before extracting him and cleaning him up. The god awful smell was horrid. He ended up breaking the sprinkler head in his cell later that day. Somehow I was blamed for it. :dunno:

I was "relieved" from working in the seg unit. Fine with me, less paperwork to do.

I enjoyed the lively atmosphere of Seg, but my methods of response to said liveliness did not meet with the approval of that same limpdick captain. I was reassigned after a few months for being 'confrontational'. To them, the term 'confrontational' still, to this day, refers to someone who will roll with it up to a point, but gives the bastards the show if they buy the ticket.

It makes me sick just to think about it.

Vigilant
11-01-2011, 22:51
Damn. It. FTW, man! :rofl::rofl::rofl:

And yes, I took that shower, but I found out, you can't wash off psychological scarring, no matter how hard you scrub!

Just gitch yerseff a great big, honkin, WWF belt buckle. You'll be ah-ight. :thumbsup:

On the other hand, you could be some top-notch Captain material in your present state. :supergrin:

Not cracking on you, Swat, but Im sure you know the type.

Beeman
11-02-2011, 02:09
My hat's off to you COs. No flipping way I could do what you guys do cause I'd probably kill the inmates.

Hoser423
11-02-2011, 07:57
My favorite Sgt. provides a WTF moment at least weekly...
WTF "does he want that in a report for?"
WTF "do we have to call in for now?"

As far as on the street stuff... I can't beat what's already up here... but I was a cover car on a "Drunk Indian with bow and arrow" call... in 2003... inside city limits of a big city.:shocked: And of course... it really was legit.

DaBigBR
11-02-2011, 10:13
My hat's off to you COs. No flipping way I could do what you guys do cause I'd probably kill the inmates.

I have to agree. They also generally have crazier stories.

3Speedyfish3
11-02-2011, 11:37
My Respect to the CO's. We just dump them off. You guys have to live with them. Thanks for what you do, Brothers.

Randall

Glockdude1
11-02-2011, 11:47
My Respect to the CO's. We just dump them off. You guys have to live with them. Thanks for what you do, Brothers.

Randall

As CO's, we get to know the inmates. We see them when they are happy, sad, mad, glad, we know who they run with, what food they eat/don't eat, who they like, who they don't like, who does not like them.

In visitation, we get to meet the wives, kids, girlfriends, hell even there boyfriends come to see them on the weekends.

We even get to know the state of their health. At my facility I am one of several medical officers that take the inmates back & forth to the outside hospital, for treatment.

It comes in handy when inmates have had broken bones. I keep those facts "filed away" in case said idiot, gets stupid with me in the future. I know which body part to strike first if I need to.

:cool:

Kadetklapp
11-02-2011, 12:32
Oh let's see...

As a CO, I witnessed the following-

Guy who would crap in his hand and mold it into little play people. He periodically bit their heads off and spit it out the bean hole if the inmate worker didn't shut it.

The only way we could keep the guy from doing this is to blow up a latex glove, draw a smiley face on it, and tape it to the corner of the cell door window. Then he would sit there and talk to it for hours on end.

Had a guy who was wildly withdrawing from methamphetamine and was in general population of our old county jail. He was issued a razor (after making numerous suicidal threats. Go day shift!) and proceeded to slice "down the street" several times. They brought him back from the ER about the time my tour started. They said "Good luck" and left me with him in my seg up front. He proceeded to pull his stitches out with his teeth all the while telling me that the children in the walls told him to.

Had a guy who was making some "toilet wine" in the "low risk dorm" (ya right) and gave a cup to a newbie. Newbie pukes his guts out because of the rotten mix and the manufacturer, not to let a drop go to waste, starts gobbling it up himself (the vomit) so as not to lose any precious volume.

Had some meth heads in the same "low risk dorm" who were confiscating and drinking the pee of incoming meth heads for the meth content to avoid withdrawl.

Had a meth head come into the jail for manufacturing meth. He had severe burns on his arm. Claimed he immersed it in a boiling turkey fryer, except it was March. Turns out his lab went to **** on him and his arm took the brunt. He was in the state's top burn center and walked out. His bandages hadn't been changed in two weeks. When the nurse started pulling dressings off his chunks of dead skin were hitting the floor with a splash. The doctor threw up in a trash can. I thought it was hilarious.

Tried to lock down a block (old sliding cell style jail) and they jammed their blankets in the mechanisms. We started going down the catwalk to pepperball. One inmate spit at me and started shaking his cell doors so hard I thought it was going to come off. My corporal leaned thru the bars and shot the punk dead nuts in the face with a hot stream of Fox 5.3. The dumbass stuck his head in the toilet to flush his eyes out, a toilet his bunkie had just previously been filling.

Vigilant
11-02-2011, 13:54
As CO's, we get to know the inmates. We see them when they are happy, sad, mad, glad, we know who they run with, what food they eat/don't eat, who they like, who they don't like, who does not like them.

In visitation, we get to meet the wives, kids, girlfriends, hell even there boyfriends come to see them on the weekends.

We even get to know the state of their health. At my facility I am one of several medical officers that take the inmates back & forth to the outside hospital, for treatment.

It comes in handy when inmates have had broken bones. I keep those facts "filed away" in case said idiot, gets stupid with me in the future. I know which body part to strike first if I need to.

:cool:

I try not to keep my mind cluttered up. Since I'm no martial arts guru, I just remember those three important words: Noses, nuts, and knees.

Nick.45
11-02-2011, 15:28
As CO's, we get to know the inmates. We see them when they are happy, sad, mad, glad, we know who they run with, what food they eat/don't eat, who they like, who they don't like, who does not like them.

In visitation, we get to meet the wives, kids, girlfriends, hell even there boyfriends come to see them on the weekends.

We even get to know the state of their health. At my facility I am one of several medical officers that take the inmates back & forth to the outside hospital, for treatment.

It comes in handy when inmates have had broken bones. I keep those facts "filed away" in case said idiot, gets stupid with me in the future. I know which body part to strike first if I need to.

:cool:

Recently some of the agencies in my county have been reaching out to the public to help solve crimes when they have a picture of the perp from a surveillance camera. The last 3 were solved from us guys in the jail who work face to face with these guys everyday after we saw the news article. Some of the departments finally started sending memos to our command staff that got passed down the line asking if any of the jail officers know the people in the pictures. Some of the guys actually were pushing to get the $1,000 reward offered for information leading to the arrest.

Glockdude1
11-02-2011, 15:52
Tattoo's and scars.

We get to see all kinds.

Many tattoo's are done really nice. Other tattoo's make you ask, dude WTF were you thinking when you got that one??

Scars. Many of the scars are from previous accidents. Most start to look like a really bad road map.

:cool:

Vigilant
11-02-2011, 16:04
We have a punk with fake eyebrows tattooed on his forehead.

As you know, some of those scars are from gun fights, with other thugs, or with the police.

And then there are the gold front teeth which have been sharpened into weapons.

Glockdude1
11-02-2011, 16:34
We have a punk with fake eyebrows tattooed on his forehead.



Punks. No correctional setting could be complete with punks. Many are open about being gay. Many more are "undercover"......for a little while.

Inside a prison setting, not much is secret for long. That is where the snitches come in.

Punks come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. We have one right now that is 6'4" & 700 pounds, yes, 700 pounds.

His street name? Honey Bun. :ack:

eracer
11-02-2011, 17:04
And you people picked this line of work because....?

slama683
11-02-2011, 17:09
New Year's Eve 1999: Guy stabs his step brother repeatedly with a Buck knife. They were arguing over who got to spend New Year's with the urn containing the ashes of their younger brother, who hung himself around Christmas.

Transported a guy to the Federal Courthouse in Omaha. Dude had serious burn scars on his face and neck, and was missing an arm, all due to a meth lab going up in his face. Get to Omaha, and the US Marshals take the guy, but refuse to take his prosthetic arm. Security ya know. Later, guy goes to Fed prison, and they refuse to take the arm. Last I knew, the arm was still in the dope investigator's office, like some kinda weird trophy fish.

DaBigBR
11-02-2011, 17:33
New Year's Eve 1999: Guy stabs his step brother repeatedly with a Buck knife. They were arguing over who got to spend New Year's with the urn containing the ashes of their younger brother, who hung himself around Christmas.

Transported a guy to the Federal Courthouse in Omaha. Dude had serious burn scars on his face and neck, and was missing an arm, all due to a meth lab going up in his face. Get to Omaha, and the US Marshals take the guy, but refuse to take his prosthetic arm. Security ya know. Later, guy goes to Fed prison, and they refuse to take the arm. Last I knew, the arm was still in the dope investigator's office, like some kinda weird trophy fish.

I say mount it and put it on the wall!

Glockdude1
11-02-2011, 17:45
And you people picked this line of work because....?

We tend to get bored easy. This way we stay on our toes, ready.

:cool:

Vigilant
11-02-2011, 17:52
We tend to get bored easy. This way we stay on our toes, ready.

:cool:

This.

Plus, a little gallows humor helps keep things in perspective. :supergrin:

nitesite10mm
11-02-2011, 17:55
This thread is chock full of "win".

nitesite10mm
11-02-2011, 18:06
Weirdest lately (and I posted a thread about it)

Effin weirdo loser while on crack and weed and alcohol attacks his cousin without provocation. He latches onto the guys face with his teeth and actually bites off his entire nose. The whole enchilada. While doing it, the cuz' shoots the attacker in the head TWICE, once right above an eye with an exit wound thru rear of skull. Other round enters near a temple and doesn't exit.

Nose is never found and the attacker with three new holes in his head is still alive to this day. He was actually talking to first officers on scene.

Man, if we only had some EMTs here to chime in! There is some really weird crap they could submit!!!!!!!!

seagravedriver
11-02-2011, 21:00
[QUOTE

Man, if we only had some EMTs here to chime in! There is some really weird crap they could submit!!!!!!!![/QUOTE]

OK, so you asked:wavey: Called for an involuntary commit, always a good time. Found the house full of debris, some garbage, most of it just stuff like lawn chairs, and boxes of stuff. Several areas have TVs stacked 3 high. 4 refrigerators filled with milk and Matchbox cars. They had been there a LONG time.

A mentally unbalanced pt. who had filled her toilet up with fecal matter, then did the same with her other bathroom. Then proceeded to start using her tub. Ran out of toilet paper and used rags and wore yellow dish gloves while taking care of the dirty work. No garbage service however. Floors were rotted through.....

A guy who lived in a very upscale home who had his boyfriend leave him. So he sliced his wrists and took a bath, nice and warm. He was dead a while. His wife found him and the note. He was very well known in the community.


A 550 pound male took a bath, in a single wide mobile home. Later, his wife thought the water looked good, so she got in, (500+lbs) and got stuck. We took her out with air bags.

I guy had a bandage on his arms for quite some time. We took him to the hospital where they removed the bandages. Then the maggots fell out.



There are many more, but my memory fails. I can't hold a candle next to you CO folks. Tip of the hat to you!

Hack
11-02-2011, 22:20
I enjoyed the lively atmosphere of Seg, but my methods of response to said liveliness did not meet with the approval of that same limpdick captain. I was reassigned after a few months for being 'confrontational'. To them, the term 'confrontational' still, to this day, refers to someone who will roll with it up to a point, but gives the bastards the show if they buy the ticket.

It makes me sick just to think about it.

They probably would not like me too well.

Hack
11-02-2011, 22:26
And you people picked this line of work because....?

Keeps things interesting, and the ticker gets a little exercise.:rofl:

Hack
11-02-2011, 22:28
Punks. No correctional setting could be complete with punks. Many are open about being gay. Many more are "undercover"......for a little while.

Inside a prison setting, not much is secret for long. That is where the snitches come in.

Punks come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. We have one right now that is 6'4" & 700 pounds, yes, 700 pounds.

His street name? Honey Bun. :ack:

Ours when we were high/max? Interesting. The big one was "Big Shirley". Another who used to prance around part of the block advertising. Yet another who was suspected of being one who had a beard.:ack:

Hack
11-02-2011, 22:30
[QUOTE

Man, if we only had some EMTs here to chime in! There is some really weird crap they could submit!!!!!!!!

[QUOTE]OK, so you asked:wavey: Called for an involuntary commit, always a good time. Found the house full of debris, some garbage, most of it just stuff like lawn chairs, and boxes of stuff. Several areas have TVs stacked 3 high. 4 refrigerators filled with milk and Matchbox cars. They had been there a LONG time.

A mentally unbalanced pt. who had filled her toilet up with fecal matter, then did the same with her other bathroom. Then proceeded to start using her tub. Ran out of toilet paper and used rags and wore yellow dish gloves while taking care of the dirty work. No garbage service however. Floors were rotted through.....

A guy who lived in a very upscale home who had his boyfriend leave him. So he sliced his wrists and took a bath, nice and warm. He was dead a while. His wife found him and the note. He was very well known in the community.


A 550 pound male took a bath, in a single wide mobile home. Later, his wife thought the water looked good, so she got in, (500+lbs) and got stuck. We took her out with air bags.

I guy had a bandage on his arms for quite some time. We took him to the hospital where they removed the bandages. Then the maggots fell out.



There are many more, but my memory fails. I can't hold a candle next to you CO folks. Tip of the hat to you!

I say, "EEWW!!" Some mentioned is some nasty stuff!:faint:

AGF0526
11-02-2011, 22:43
A long time ago in a place far away I worked in a State prison. I was detailed to take an inmate to the hospital for an "intestional blockage". One x-ray later and a laughing doctor and nurse pulled me to the side they ask how long dose it take to bake a potato at 98.6 degrees? The inmate had an Idaho baked potato shoved up his a**. And it had been there for three days. When questioned by IAD he claimed it was on his bed and went up there by accident when he sit down. The hospital made him pass it and gave him a gallon of laxative. The real story is he didn't pay his debts and was held down and it was inserted.

Hack
11-03-2011, 02:00
A long time ago in a place far away I worked in a State prison. I was detailed to take an inmate to the hospital for an "intestional blockage". One x-ray later and a laughing doctor and nurse pulled me to the side they ask how long dose it take to bake a potato at 98.6 degrees? The inmate had an Idaho baked potato shoved up his a**. And it had been there for three days. When questioned by IAD he claimed it was on his bed and went up there by accident when he sit down. The hospital made him pass it and gave him a gallon of laxative. The real story is he didn't pay his debts and was held down and it was inserted.

Around here we're strict enough on contraband food items they don't usually waste anything that makes it past the searchers.

slama683
11-03-2011, 15:53
Fella named Alfredo snorted some meth and slapped his wife, who called the police. We picked up Alfredo and took him to jail, just about the time the meth starts to kick in.

Sitting in the cell, Alfredo starts feeling hot, so he strips nekkid. Well, that doesn't get it done, so he decides to dunk his head in the nice cool water, you know, that nice cool water in the stainless steel toilet.

For whatever reason, Alfredo decides that, instead of dunking his head like a normal person, he would do a full on handstand on the toilet seat, and then lower his head down below the seat and submerge.

So, Alfredo goes up to the toilet, gets nice and vertical, and proceeds to dunk his head. At about the same time, the CO working receiving walks by, and asks Alfredo what in the hell is he doing.

This startles Alfredo, and one of his hands slips. Of course, his head is still in the toilet, and is fully secured by the one-piece toilet seat of the stainless steel john. So, when Alfredo falls over, his head remains stuck in the toilet, while his neck bends to what appears to be an impossible angle.

The CO, who was fairly new, was convinced that he had just witnessed the end of Alfredo, as he certainly broke his neck. But, drippy Alfredo got up, and was in fact uninjured, and of course still naked, and still high on meth. This later led to all kinds of fun the rest of the night.

Had another guy go through alcohol withdrawls in jail. One time, he would be holding on to the cell bars screaming about how the wall was going to fall over. Then, he would be on the top bunk, which wasn't his and was occupied, screaming about the rising water that was going to drown them all and sweep away the children.

slama683
11-03-2011, 16:00
My other favorite is any conversation that is started by the officer asking someone to put their teeth in so they can understand them. That's virtually a guarentee of hilarity.

GLK38
11-03-2011, 16:27
I was dispatched to Wal-Mart (shocker I know) in reference to a suspicious incident.

A woman left her rear windows down on her car and when she returned she found her seats very damp. When she began wiping it up she realized someone walked by her car and relieved themselves ALL over her back seats, I mean this person must have had a double big gulp from 7-11. I'll never forget her trying to shove a wet towel in my face trying to prove to me its urine. Believe me when I say that I took her word for it.

Nick.45
11-03-2011, 17:55
Had a fight in one of our pods one night. As the response team was getting to the pod, the control room opened the door only to have an inmate decide it was a good time to walk out and try to escape. Needless to say he rounded the corner out of the sallyport and was met with 15+ people running at him full speed. He was put down hard and placed in a side room until we could deal with him.

He didn't appreciate being put on the ground and felt the need to leave a steaming pile on the floor. Well when we went to talk to him, we found said steaming pile and the inmate who again decided it was a good idea to try and run past us, while still in handcuffs. He was again put down and just happened to land in his own pile of poopy. :whistling: I was given the privilege of holding him there until our response team could put on their banana suits and decon him.

Surprisingly he was much more cooperative after being made to lay in his own poop for 15 minutes.

Glockdude1
11-03-2011, 18:02
Had a fight in one of our pods one night. As the response team was getting to the pod, the control room opened the door only to have an inmate decide it was a good time to walk out and try to escape. Needless to say he rounded the corner out of the sallyport and was met with 15+ people running at him full speed. He was put down hard and placed in a side room until we could deal with him.

He didn't appreciate being put on the ground and felt the need to leave a steaming pile on the floor. Well when we went to talk to him, we found said steaming pile and the inmate who again decided it was a good idea to try and run past us, while still in handcuffs. He was again put down and just happened to land in his own pile of poopy. :whistling: I was given the privilege of holding him there until our response team could put on their banana suits and decon him.

Surprisingly he was much more cooperative after being made to lay in his own poop for 15 minutes.

:thumbsup: __ :rofl:

mknpwr
11-03-2011, 20:53
Had a guy in Seg cut open his wrist with nail clippers during last count. Filled a cup with blood wrote his goodbye on the wall to his mother and boyfriend then lay down on the bunk to die. My Quarters Supervisor went to check on him as he just had a feeling something was not right. Saw the puddle of blood on the floor and called off a medical emergency, we got lucky that he didn't die, but came as close as you can.

Hack
11-03-2011, 22:25
Had a fight in one of our pods one night. As the response team was getting to the pod, the control room opened the door only to have an inmate decide it was a good time to walk out and try to escape. Needless to say he rounded the corner out of the sallyport and was met with 15+ people running at him full speed. He was put down hard and placed in a side room until we could deal with him.

He didn't appreciate being put on the ground and felt the need to leave a steaming pile on the floor. Well when we went to talk to him, we found said steaming pile and the inmate who again decided it was a good idea to try and run past us, while still in handcuffs. He was again put down and just happened to land in his own pile of poopy. :whistling: I was given the privilege of holding him there until our response team could put on their banana suits and decon him.

Surprisingly he was much more cooperative after being kept in a stable position so as not to create opportunity for further self injury for 15 minutes

There fixed your report for you.


:rofl::thumbsup:

Hack
11-03-2011, 22:28
Had a guy in Seg cut open his wrist with nail clippers during last count. Filled a cup with blood wrote his goodbye on the wall to his mother and boyfriend then lay down on the bunk to die. My Quarters Supervisor went to check on him as he just had a feeling something was not right. Saw the puddle of blood on the floor and called off a medical emergency, we got lucky that he didn't die, but came as close as you can.

We had one who did something like that in one of our older seg units. He was found just in time.

Nick.45
11-03-2011, 22:38
There fixed your report for you.


:rofl::thumbsup:

Much better!

You've peaked my interest, I was not stuck with the report and never did read it to see how they articulated why he was kept there.

Glockdude1
11-03-2011, 22:38
We never "slam" inmates on paper. We "guide them" to the ground at an accelerated rate.

:whistling:

Hack
11-03-2011, 22:45
We never "slam" inmates on paper. We "guide them" to the ground at an accelerated rate.

:whistling:

Using immediate use of force to secure compliance through placing them into a non injurious hold whilst applying restraints.:whistling:

msu_grad_121
11-03-2011, 23:10
We never "slam" inmates on paper. We "guide them" to the ground at an accelerated rate.

:whistling:

Is that like when our DT instructor at the academy said "accelerated forearm pressure?" Spoiler alert: it was a forward elbow strike. :rofl:

LC Deputy
11-12-2011, 07:06
Alright... I read almost all the first page and some of the third so I'm not sure what was already said but this was my WTF moment.

I have just signed on to work a 6 hour OT shift at 11am. As I am enroute to my zone a call comes out of a naked guy laying in a ditch on a rural county road. Now just about 2 weeks prior we had a male beat half to death and was found in the middle of the road. My first thought was it might be retaliation. So me and another squad are enroute, coming in from opposite directions.

When I arrvied I seen a car parked along the road so I pass it spin around and pull up behind it. As I am pulling up behind it I see a naked man wearing a white shirt only running toward the SUV. Both passenger doors were open. My backup arrives at the same time and I get out of my squad and yell at the guy asking him what he is doing. There is no response. I am walking up toward the SUV and he steps out from behind the front passenger door. He is pulling the white t-shirt down over his privates (He is also all wet). I again asked him what he is doing? At this time he drops his head, looks at the ground and says "I'm having sex". I first thought was I did not hear him correctly until I looked down int he ditch. I then seen a torso of a female body (Sex Toy ONLY), laying in the water of the ditch. The tall grass is all knocked down. I also see about 6 oranges on the ground by the front passenger door, all destroyed and smashed up (I'll let your mind figure out what he was doing with those). I then told him to get dressed and started to look in the SUV. I am not lying with I tell you I have never see so many boxes in a car. From the very back to behind the back front seats was full of sex toys from the floor to the ceiling. Dude claims he is a sex addict and he had to stop and relieve himself. He was from Nebraska on his way to Michigan to meet some guy he met online...? He was arrested for Indesent Exposure and a couple days later I found out he was just entered as missing/endangered. He has never appeared for his court date.

I dont think I have wanted to laugh at a guy so hard in all my life. When I called my sgt. to explain what was going on he swore I was messing with him. Took me about 5 minutes to make him believe I was telling him the truth.

MeefZah
11-12-2011, 20:49
Called on a wellbeing check of some old guy, made entry, found him dead in the couch.

Now, when I say, "in", I mean "in". He had been watching porn on the TV, had wedged a "pocket *****" between the cushion and the frame of the couch, and was giving it to the couch doggie style when he expired.

After I took the required photos (for the incident report, of course), the fire department flopped him over backwards. There was an audible "plop" noise and black fluid dribbled all over the place from his crotch. The resulting smell was so obscene that we all had to vacate and the FD came back in with SCBA on.

Cause of death was listed as natural but we all found it decidedly unnatural.

The-Fly
11-12-2011, 21:00
Called on a wellbeing check of some old guy, made entry, found him dead in the couch.

Now, when I say, "in", I mean "in". He had been watching porn on the TV, had wedged a "pocket *****" between the cushion and the frame of the couch, and was giving it to the couch doggie style when he expired.

After I took the required photos (for the incident report, of course), the fire department flopped him over backwards. There was an audible "plop" noise and black fluid dribbled all over the place from his crotch. The resulting smell was so obscene that we all had to vacate and the FD came back in with SCBA on.

Cause of death was listed as natural but we all found it decidedly unnatural.


How many years of therapy did that one require ? :shocked:

MeefZah
11-12-2011, 21:04
How many years of therapy did that one require ? :shocked:

Maybe I'm sick but that **** doesn't bother me, in fact, I thought (and still think) it is hilarious. I've told that story to a lot of people and apparently it bother them, though. :dunno:

In fact, that's pretty much how I want to go out. Getting my rocks off to Jenna Jameson and then making the tax payers foot the bill for the subsequent decon. :rofl:

The-Fly
11-12-2011, 23:03
Maybe I'm sick but that **** doesn't bother me, in fact, I thought (and still think) it is hilarious. I've told that story to a lot of people and apparently it bother them, though. :dunno:

In fact, that's pretty much how I want to go out. Getting my rocks off to Jenna Jameson and then making the tax payers foot the bill for the subsequent decon. :rofl:

ROFL you sick bastard :rofl:

The therapy remark was in regards to the smell. I can't stand nasty smells myself :faint:

dweer
11-17-2011, 13:05
Seen some weird stuff working medical in state and fed prisons...
Most funny to me was when I was in the state and got called to the RHU/SHU for a medical emergency. Get there and they have this HUGE black dude naked cuffed and held between three officers, but he looks uninjured. I ask what's up and the officer behind the inmate gets this big grin on his face and points down. The RHU lt, keeping a straight face, tells me that when showering the guy the officer noted that he appeared to have something tied around his sack and balls. I look and, yes, he has some kind of cord wrapped TIGHT around his nuts, completely cutting off circulation. They must have caught it early though as there was no damage yet. So, while I'm cutting off the cord I ask the inmate why exactly he was trying to castrate himself. His reply: "I am Samurai!".
I can only imaging what he would have done had he been a ninja...

Kadetklapp
11-17-2011, 13:38
On my second to last day working the jail, I was alone in the facility (Day shift, brass had a "meeting" that took three hours, apparently everyone above me at the time needed to be there) and I hear the ladies block start yelling "man down!" I run back to find one of our tiny female hell-raisers slashing herself with a secreted razorblade. She managed to slash herself pretty good and then come after me, at which I responded by putting my Original Swat right in the middle of her chest and kicking her halfway across the day room. Had to hold her down with my baton and sit on her until I finally got some help in the form of the little lady receptionist across the hall who heard my radio traffic. We take her up to the padded cell and call the ambulance. I'm going to decon myself, as I'm covered in blood and she is Hep C + (common knowledge) and I look in the drunk tank and see a male inmate hanging himself on the toilet stall with his sheet.

Made for an interesting afternoon....

msu_grad_121
11-17-2011, 13:39
I can only imaging what he would have done had he been a ninja...

You'd never have known it was there! Ninjas are invisible...

BleedNOrange
11-17-2011, 14:05
Many years ago as a rookie I answered an attempted suicide call. The guy had attempted to blow his head off with a shotgun. Unfortunately for him he just managed to blow the front of his face off. Chin, mouth, nose and eyes (well I think one was still dangling). He was alive, conscious and attempting to walk around. :wow: