For Tous and Dinky,The GNC 7 day body cleansing kit story. [Archive] - Glock Talk

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m14fan
05-24-2012, 17:47
Around February of last year (2011) My girlfriend and I were in GNC and she found the kit and TOLD me I was going to take it,since I was over 40 bla bla bla how much stuff I had stuck to my colon,bla bla bla.Apparently the,It may need to stay there,didn't work.So Here's a daily rundown of my experience.

DAY 1 The only good day shopping I ever had!!!!!

Wake up and take a packet of pills and some nasty dried plant stuff mixed in water.Go shopping.Three hours later I'm standing in electronics at Wal Mart and I have to fart,bad.i ease it out and it sounds like a large air hose.WOOOOOOSSSHHHH.That even felt bad,and 10-15 seconds later the smell hit.Sticky and musty like a skunk,rotten like a dead animal sitting for days in the hot sun.Horrid,nasty,this is BAD!!!!! and it wont leave so I walked to the other side of the isle and it followed me!!! About 5 minutes or so later thar she blows,same thing.
Now being the devious sort I got to thinking:whistling:,so I wait for a couple to walk my direction and I let it rip,WOOOOSH,I stand there a few seconds and walk around the isle and stop in front of them as they stop about 6-8 feet from where I was.She cut her eyes at him a few times,and he starts cutting his eyes at her.She finally whispered "You nasty bast@#%"," I didn't do it" he said. A little while later I rip one and walk across the end of an isle.A woman comes walking down the isle pushing a buggy and gets to the end.Did you ever, when you were a kid, see a friend running across the yard and catch the clothesline? Well her feet and buggy kept going,but her face stopped.
Next Game Stop,which is a small store in a strip mall.It was full of people.I rip it,ease to the other side of the store,and a few minutes later everyone is on my side of the store,back and forth we went.
Later that evening the weenie dog was sitting in my lap,and the dog breed that will roll around in things no other dog will touch and buzzards wont eat,lifted her head gave me a dirty look and shook her head like she was trying to dry off,and left the room.It slowed down after about 12 hours.

DAY 2 Work and torturing little girls

I woke up at 5:45 to go to work,as a security guard at the hospital,and too my morning pills and the plant stuff in water.Made my rounds at 7:00 and went to the office in the ER.Right before I left to make my second set of rounds it hit again.Smell is the same,maybe a little stronger,but IT SOUNDS LIKE A FOG HORN.BWAAAAAAAAAAP.I went on rounds and the wind was blowing outside.There was a storm blowing in and the wind was over 15 mph,with gusts over 25.Into the wind,cross wind it wouldnt go away no matter how fast I walked.Got back into the office,a small room 7X10 or so and it got so bad I timed them.3-5 seconds every 5-6 minutes,and the smell wasn't gone when the next one hit.I ripped one in the central stairwell,and it echoed.Now that happened on the 3rd floor landing right in front of the door.I went up to the top 5 floors to a roof access down to 4th floor,to 4 east wing down the east stairwell to 3 west back to the central stairwell and I got clotheslined. Two hours later on my next set of rounds I could still smell it.
I got off and went home and the girlfriends daughter was there and sat across the room on the couch.BWAAAAAP the dog ran for the kitchen and a few minutes later,"EEEEW GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU".

Now that night Gf and I were getting in the bed and I was laying face down and she was still getting ready for bed.BWAAAAAAAP.She screamed "The blanket rose at least 4 inches when you did that".A little while later she was doing something on her side of the bed,turned the other way with her knees bent,and BWWAAAAP and I buried my head in the pillow and hoped she didn't move.Well she's one of those that has to say something,and she has to turn to you to do it.She didnt straighten her legs:wow:.As she started saying,"that better not stink" as she turned my direction,the covers went up,then down,and pushed it out from under the covers.She picked up her feather pillow and told me she was going to hit me till it stopped stinking.Well it had more stamina than she did:supergrin:.

DAY 3 you'll learn to get here on time

Mostly same as before 3-5 second bursts every 5-6 minutes,sounds like a ships horn and smell the same.Dropped several bombs in empty hallways only to see someone was walking that way,boy will they be surprised.The next guy coming on,well I didn't like him he was lazy,didn't do his job,moaned and whined about everything, and was always late.Well he shows up late about 10 minutes,walked in the west entrance,stopped by the cafeteria,looked at the menu on the wall,then walked in there(cafeteria),came out and walked to the office at a slow pace(video cameras tell off on you,10 more minutes). Me I'm sitting here with 5 giant farts,cramping in pain, trying to be polite and let the smell dissipate.So I waited for the automated door open gave him time to get in and let it all rip,grabbed my stuff dropped the radio and keys on the table, met him at the door and shut the door behind him.He came back out and said "I'm gonna stay out of there for a while" Yea I bet you will,be on time next time.
By this time the weenie dog just laid in her bed in the kitchen giving me dirty looks.

DAYS 4 5 6 7

Slowly the time between got longer, and nothing else really interesting happened.But it kept on.Now I'm going to point out that I only live about 3-4 miles from the hospital.I couldnt drive home without farting in my truck seat twice.


Two weeks later I had to stop at the store and as it was raining and cold so I ran to the truck and hopped into the seat to get out of the rain.The smell of those farts came out of the seat(it was a very distinct smell) and it was raining too hard to roll down the window.:faint:

And if you want to see my girlfriend have a fit,mention getting me another one,she goes ape s#!t:rofl:

And all of this is true,I couldn't make this up.So Dinky, Tous,why dont you try it and tell us what happens:wavey:

tous
05-24-2012, 19:13
That is epic!
Full of gravitas!

Bravo! :elephant:

:wavey:

kirgi08
05-24-2012, 19:29
Crop dusting 101.'08.

m14fan
05-24-2012, 19:30
It's funny now,at the time it was not funny.Now you know why the dog runs when I rip one

AZson
05-24-2012, 19:52
Sounds like a lot of farting around, my question is, did it do you any good?

m14fan
05-24-2012, 19:59
Sounds like a lot of farting around, my question is, did it do you any good?

I know how to get the dog outta my lap:supergrin:

G19Tony
05-24-2012, 22:30
Insanely funny. :rofl:

You sir. Are the man.

Bullman
05-25-2012, 18:39
I laughed till I sharted.


What is this stuff and where can I get it? I work with a guy that will walk over to you and point it right at you when he rips one. I need to share some love.

tous
05-25-2012, 19:02
I work with a guy that will walk over to you and point it right at you when he rips one. I need to share some love.

And he's still breathin' good air above the gound?

You show him a Blue Flame of Righteousness yet??

ryanm
05-25-2012, 19:35
This is the funniest thing I've read all week!

kcb
05-25-2012, 20:16
T.M.I.

:shocked: :faint:

tous
05-25-2012, 20:26
Ma'am, I think it's the sort of thing that you have to be a mens to appreciate fully.

:wavey:

Bullman
05-25-2012, 20:31
And he's still breathin' good air above the gound?

You show him a Blue Flame of Righteousness yet??

I don't want to burn him, I want to make him suffer.

kcb
05-25-2012, 20:43
Ma'am, I think it's the sort of thing that you have to be a mens to appreciate fully.

:wavey:

:supergrin:

Mr. Tous, I have been married to a TOTAL "mens" for 33 years now. (I only grew up with 2 sisters...no brothers)...SO,
my man has been QUITE an education for me. His late brother was happy to help my education in this "sort of thing" as well. (May he RIP)

I TOTALLY appreciate this "sort of thing".

:hugs: :wavey:

ChuteTheMall
05-25-2012, 20:48
Why couldn't you find a slow, crowded elevator?:faint:

HandyMan Hugh
05-26-2012, 00:26
That is epic!
Full of gravitas!

Bravo! :elephant:

:wavey:

I don't think gravitas entered into it. More likely it was full of Methane, Hydrogen Sulfide, and assorated sulfites. :rofl::rofl:

gruntmedik
05-26-2012, 00:35
I'm headed to GNC today!

Blast
05-26-2012, 00:37
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v349/keithbeth/rob.gif

ArtCrafter
05-26-2012, 08:39
T.M.I.

:shocked: :faint:


Agreed...


http://us3.memecdn.com/Good-Bye-Cruel-World_o_102438.gif

recycooler
05-26-2012, 11:32
Seriously one of the funniest reads in a long time.I can't even get to the next line I am in tears. This would make a great party game ,see who can read this and not laugh. Bravo !

ChuteTheMall
05-26-2012, 19:40
Can we get a group buy?
:grouphug:

Dinky
05-29-2012, 12:44
Why do I need to get me them pills when I done do that naturally:dunno:

m14fan
05-30-2012, 15:02
I don't want to burn him, I want to make him suffer.


one warning,you suffer more,but all will stare in fear of your flatulence:rofl:

m14fan
05-30-2012, 15:08
Why do I need to get me them pills when I done do that naturally:dunno:
I've been talented at it myself,but that stuff was crazy.But if your least favorite in-laws are coming for a visit,or better yet invite themselves on a road trip.:cool:

I mean peeling the paint off the walls every 5 minutes for over 12 hours a day.:embarassed:

Dinky
05-31-2012, 14:56
I've been talented at it myself,but that stuff was crazy.But if your least favorite in-laws are coming for a visit,or better yet invite themselves on a road trip.:cool:

I mean peeling the paint off the walls every 5 minutes for over 12 hours a day.:embarassed:



:whistling:

dango
05-31-2012, 19:11
I've been talented at it myself,but that stuff was crazy.But if your least favorite in-laws are coming for a visit,or better yet invite themselves on a road trip.:cool:

I mean peeling the paint off the walls every 5 minutes for over 12 hours a day.:embarassed:
When the springs in the chair are exposed and you have answered to various 911 calls to explain , then yes , you are the king .

dango
06-01-2012, 23:23
Dink and Tous body cleansing , has "FEMA" been notified yet?
That could make Yellow Stone a minor fart !:wow:

Dinky
06-04-2012, 06:54
Dink and Tous body cleansing , has "FEMA" been notified yet?
That could make Yellow Stone a minor fart !:wow:



FEMA has us on speed dial and they have strapped ankle monitors on us......:whistling:

kirgi08
06-04-2012, 08:22
Those are leg irons Mike.'08. :whistling:

HerrGlock
06-04-2012, 08:38
Dude, this is damn near Ryan's Steakhouse epic!

http://www.ihos.com/steakhouse.html

Dinky
06-04-2012, 12:59
Those are leg irons Mike.'08. :whistling:



My legs are permanent press, they don't need ironing :faint:

Bullman
06-04-2012, 15:08
Dude, this is damn near Ryan's Steakhouse epic!

http://www.ihos.com/steakhouse.html

I would enjoy reading that again, however, I am currently suffering from a case of food poisoning, and it hits just a little too close to home at the moment.