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B. Somm
09-24-2003, 15:49
"The Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek"
Author Unknown

10. Noisy doors.
You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40.

9. The Federation.
This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it? And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here s an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.

8. Reversing the Polarity.
For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff... "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."
Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.

7. Seatbelts.
Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some futuristic restraining device to prevent that from happening."
So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's
locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners...
"Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! However, there goes Kirk's torso!"

6. No fuses.
Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an inter-galactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuse less exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.

5. Rule by committee.
Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year:

Star Trek:
Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And,
it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something." Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior
chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on
them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom
and look pensive."

Firefly:
Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"

4. A Star Trek quiz:
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn' t coming back?

3. Technobabble.
The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a Quantum tunneling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice
Channel for free.

2. The Holodeck.
I mean, it's cool and all, but do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for._ And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be:_ Having to squeegee the holodeck clean.

1. The Prime Directive.
How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator?_ Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne look-alikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all day. It would be hell. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-shattering Kaboom.

DesertShark1963
09-24-2003, 16:05
LMAO

Mav22
09-24-2003, 18:07
This one's the best....
4. A Star Trek quiz:
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn' t coming back?

B. Somm
09-24-2003, 22:02
Mav22--

#4 was my favorite also!!!

B. ;f

ChuteTheMall
09-25-2003, 05:55
http://www.heise.de/tp/deutsch/inhalt/on/4177/4177_1.jpg

Blast
09-25-2003, 22:58
"Reversing polarity"
http://www.startrek.com/imageuploads/200303/tng-255-geordi-in-the-interfac/240x320.jpg

Blast
09-25-2003, 23:29
Before
http://www.startrek.com/imageuploads/200303/tos-050-scotty-embraces-his-de/320x240.jpg


After
http://www.startrek.com/imageuploads/200303/tng-230-scotty-reflects-in-a-h/240x320.jpg

Blast
09-26-2003, 00:09
There were moments
http://www.startrek.com/imageuploads/200303/tos-039-uhura-draws-a-dagger-o/320x240.jpg

Blast
09-26-2003, 00:23
and there were moments
http://www.startrek.com/imageuploads/200303/tos-049-jojo-krako---spocko/320x240.jpg

The Pontificator
09-26-2003, 12:59
Originally posted by Blast
and there were moments
http://www.startrek.com/imageuploads/200303/tos-049-jojo-krako---spocko/320x240.jpg

Is that the late Vic Tayback ("Alice")on the left?

R56Pilot
09-26-2003, 16:16
Originally posted by The Pontificator
Is that the late Vic Tayback ("Alice")on the left?

I believe you are correct, sir!

;f

ChuteTheMall
09-26-2003, 21:20
http://allyourtrekarebelongto.us/amok.jpg

ChuteTheMall
09-26-2003, 21:32
http://allyourtrekarebelongto.us/tribbles.jpg

ChuteTheMall
09-26-2003, 21:51
http://allyourtrekarebelongto.us/thanku.jpg

ChuteTheMall
09-26-2003, 21:55
http://allyourtrekarebelongto.us/uhuraspank.jpg

ChuteTheMall
09-26-2003, 21:57
http://www.brightlightsfilm.com/30/30_images/crusoe_startrek.jpg

Blast
09-26-2003, 22:02
nevermind;g
http://www.startrek.com/imageuploads/200303/tos-025-spock-is-infected-by-t/320x240.jpg

Blast
09-27-2003, 01:15
http://www.startrek.com/imageuploads/200307/spock01/320x240.jpg http://www.startrek.com/imageuploads/200303/tos-039-the-mirror-spock-revea/320x240.jpg

MrKandiyohi
09-27-2003, 04:42
If you're looking for some Star Trek humor, look for Bob and Tom Star Trek Sex on Kazaa or WinMX. It uses real lines from the original series to make a great parody. Despite the name, there are no bad words, just a play on real lines said by Kirk and Spock.

It's about 3MB, so I didn't want to copy it here.

The Pontificator
09-27-2003, 17:11
Statement: "I am a huge Star Trek fan."
Translation: "I am a huge nerd."

R56Pilot
09-27-2003, 17:50
Originally posted by The Pontificator
Statement: "I am a huge Star Trek fan."
Translation: "I am a huge nerd."

(courtesy of dictionary.com)

nerd also nurd (nrd)
n. Slang

1) A foolish, inept, or unattractive person.
2) A person who is single-minded or accomplished in scientific or technical pursuits but is felt to be socially inept.


And to think they let me carry a gun too!!

;f ;c ;c

ChuteTheMall
09-27-2003, 20:22
http://www.ralentz.com/old/sci-fi/star-trek/makeitso.gif

The Pontificator
09-28-2003, 16:48
Originally posted by MrKandiyohi
If you're looking for some Star Trek humor, look for Bob and Tom Star Trek Sex on Kazaa or WinMX. It uses real lines from the original series to make a great parody. Despite the name, there are no bad words, just a play on real lines said by Kirk and Spock.

It's about 3MB, so I didn't want to copy it here.

Better yet, See Triumph the Insult Comic Dog interview Star Wars fans lined up to see the premier of "Attack of the Clones". :)

http://www.nbc.com/nbc/Late_Night_with_Conan_O'Brien/video/iFilm/triumph_starwarsnerds01_wm056.shtml

ChuteTheMall
10-02-2003, 23:53
http://allyourtrekarebelongto.us/spockfrown.jpg

Dennis in MA
10-03-2003, 19:51
I knew Uhura was an alien. That no-butt-crack thing cinches it. EEK!

B. Somm
10-05-2003, 05:21
Originally posted by Blast
http://www.startrek.com/imageuploads/200303/tos-025-spock-is-infected-by-t/320x240.jpg

"Make it stop! Make....it....STOOOOOOPPP!!!" Says Mr. Spock after picking up the song "Mickey" from his last mind meld...

B. ;f

B. Somm
10-05-2003, 05:33
Originally posted by Blast
http://www.startrek.com/imageuploads/200303/tos-039-uhura-draws-a-dagger-o/320x240.jpg

Uhura: "Touch me again like that and you'll be speaking Swahili in soprano mister!"

Crewman on left to crewman on right: "Great, here we go again. 10 ta 1 Sulu backs down..."

Crewman on right: "Well, I don't know about Uhura, but I certainly would like to teach Mr. Sulu a thing or two...!"

Communications officer: "HEY! Don't make me get Mr. Spock up here!"

;f

B. Somm
10-05-2003, 05:45
Originally posted by ChuteTheMall
http://www.brightlightsfilm.com/30/30_images/crusoe_startrek.jpg


"Dammit Uhura! If I've told you once, I've told you twice. I am wearing a hairpiece, NOT a tribble..!!"

McCoy to Chekov: "I told you not to make her say that..."

Chekov: "I'm sorry sir, the wessel made me do it!"

B. Somm
10-05-2003, 06:16
Originally posted by ChuteTheMall
http://allyourtrekarebelongto.us/thanku.jpg

No, no, no CTM. It should be something like:

Spock: "Captain, I believe that there is a turelian mongobeast coming out of your posterior.."

Kirk: "Spock, are you sure? Check again..."





B. ;f
(CTM & Blast, got any more that I can caption??! This is fun!) ;H

Public
10-05-2003, 08:35
http://www.lindawest.com/7of9/images/kim.jpg

ChuteTheMall
10-06-2003, 10:45
http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/railton/projects/tysse/images/twain%20and%20star%20trek%20cast.jpg

ChuteTheMall
10-06-2003, 10:55
http://services.tos.net/pics/tos/bonekirk.jpg ibtl

ChuteTheMall
10-06-2003, 10:59
http://www.treknews.de/treknews/gallery-treknews/gallery/Star_Trek_Filme/Star_Trek_10_-_Nemesis/Bilder/229.jpg ibtl

ChuteTheMall
10-06-2003, 11:03
http://www.treknews.de/treknews/gallery-treknews/gallery/Star_Trek_Filme/Star_Trek_10_-_Nemesis/Bilder/203.jpg ibtl

ChuteTheMall
10-06-2003, 11:07
http://www.treknews.de/treknews/gallery-treknews/gallery/Star_Trek_Filme/Star_Trek_10_-_Nemesis/Bilder/200.jpg ibtl

ChuteTheMall
10-06-2003, 11:09
http://services.tos.net/pics/tos/eden.gif

ChuteTheMall
10-06-2003, 11:12
http://www.treknews.de/treknews/gallery-treknews/gallery/Star_Trek_Filme/Star_Trek_10_-_Nemesis/Bilder/194.jpg

ChuteTheMall
10-06-2003, 12:13
http://www.wizworld.com/fotos/startrek_cereal_big.jpg

vafish
10-06-2003, 19:50
YOu know the thing that really gets me about Star Trek?


They got all this technology, can beam a person around the world, fly 9 times the speed of light, all sorts of computerized gadgets. And the idiots still can't hit crap with a phazer. I mean how tough would it be to make an auto targeting phazer? A heat sensor, steerable array on the end of the thing and your set, just point it in the general direction of your opponent and pull the trigger, they're vapors. With 5 BG's in front of you all you should have to do is point the thing and hold down the trigger.. ZAP, ZAP, ZAP, ZAP, ZAP... they're vapors. Room clearing, just stick your hand in the room, pull the trigger and wave it around a bit, when the bug zapper stops, then you peer around the corner.