Humane Treatment [Archive] - Glock Talk


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09-28-2003, 07:47

A concerned citizen wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the
treatment of a Taliban taken captive during the Afghanistan war.

Below is an example of the administration's new standard reply.

The White House

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, D.C.

Dear Concerned Citizen

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the
Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay,

My administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard
loud and clear here in Washington.

You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to
be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or
LARK, for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to
place one terrorist under your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared
for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of

It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We
will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for
Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your

He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that it
rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help with your
water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad case of body lice that
hasn't been completely remedied.

Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage "Does
not play well with others." Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely
violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his
"attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test came
back negative so not to worry.

We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your
adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can
extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.
We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next
yoga group.

He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common
household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless
(in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.

However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons - I
have available for their use several copies of the Koran.

Oh - and rest assured he absolutely loves animals, especially cats and
dogs. He prefers them roasted, but raw is fine, too, if they aren't more
than 2 or 3 days dead.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you,
who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job.

We think this watching over each other's shoulder is such a good way for
people to interact that we will be sending a team of federal officials with
expertise in your line of work to your place of business soon, just to help
you do your job better.

Don't be concerned that they have the power to close your business, seize
your property, and arrest you for any violation of the 4,850,206
laws,codes, regulations and rules that apply to your profession. They're
really there just to make sure you're doing everything the proper way. That
is what you wanted, right?

Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a valued member
of the citizenry. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be


George W. Bush

President of the United States of America

09-28-2003, 11:19
That is GOOD!!!

09-29-2003, 14:39
That is splendid. Why, oh why, couldn't that be real?