Humor [Archive] - Glock Talk

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MW2001
11-20-2003, 15:41
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who
died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all
the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension
and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin
bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children" --Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called
EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to
find a woman I don't like and just give her a house,"
--Rod Stewart

5) "The problem with the designated driver program,
it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked
into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the
night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff
Foxworthy

6) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad
Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased

7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly
ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to
save the infant's life without even considering if
there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

8) "What do people mean when they say the computer
went down on him?" --Marilyn Pittman

9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job,
and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to
leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance
pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob
Ettinger

10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone
took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I
said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to
swim." --Paula Poundstone

11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women
have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say
to the authors of ! that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien

12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh
my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch
of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the
crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all
the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul
Rodriguez

16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but
they turned sixty, and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that
in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the
logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde

19) "Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you
were a member of Congress . . . . But I repeat
myself." --Mark Twain

20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high
school student. At least they can find Afghanistan!"
--A . Whitney Brown

21) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning
to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I
think of it as the only time of the month that I can
be myself." --Roseanne

23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a
place." --Billy Crystal

24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the
dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're
right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry

KY_Glock
11-20-2003, 16:42
LOL -- very good