Air Traffic; [Archive] - Glock Talk


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Junkyard Dawg
12-20-2003, 00:13
:cool: This little collection of stories was posted over on AssaultWeb, I've moved them over here for the benifit of those who may not have read them.


In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed." "90 knots" Center replied.

"Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same." "220 knots," Center answered.

We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty52 requests groundspeed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."

"Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison." "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?"

There was a longer than normal pause .... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"

No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.


In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?"

The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.


The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."


More tower chatter:

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."


There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."


"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

Medpilot 2
12-20-2003, 05:37
All classics. Thanks for posting.:)

12-20-2003, 22:46
It was a foggy night at an unfamiliar airport when a young pilot mistakenly made a wrong turn on the taxiway and found himself beak to beak with another jet, both unable to move.

The tower controller, a female, was immediately all over him: "Misty 25, I told you turn LEFT onto Taxiway Bravo. You need to go back to kindergarten, because you turned RIGHT. Don't you know the difference between left and right? Misty 25, hold your position until I can get a piece of yellow gear over there to push you back. Then, once you're clear, stand by for a progressive. I'm going to tell you exactly where to turn, when to turn, and how much to turn. Do you copy that, Misty 25?"

The young pilot, mortified by the tongue-lashing, answered only, "Yes, ma'am."

No one spoke a word on ground for at least half a minute. Finally, someone with a thick drawl piped up.

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

12-20-2003, 23:05
A new Tomcat pilot was carrier qualifying on a dark and cloudy night. Though not the young pilot's fault, it wasn't going very well. After an hour's marshalling in the goo, and two trips around the pattern after a hook-skip bolter and a foul-deck waveoff, the pilot, frustrated at his low fuel state and the looming possibility he'd have to come back to CQ on another night if he couldn't get aboard, keyed what he thought was the ICS to speak to his RIO. In fact, he actually selected his radio and transmitted:

"I can't believe how f----- up I am tonight. CATC has completely hosed me every chance they get, and the LSOs aren't helping anything with the late lineup calls at the ramp. I'll never get enough passes at this rate. I am so f----- up!"

Hearing every word, the Boss immediately comes up over tower and says, "Aircraft who just transmitted, identify yourself."

No one answers.

"I repeat, aircraft who just transmitted, identify yourself. NOW"

Still silence.

"Aircraft who just transmitted, this is the Air Boss. Identify yourself now, or you will face severe consequenses."

The pilot is about to key the mic and fess up when his RIO steps on him and says, "Uh, Boss, he said he was F----- Up, not stupid."

M2 Carbine
12-22-2003, 23:26
In Maryland, 1965, the ceiling and vis was low when my buddy, another Warrant Officer and I were supposed to fly a National Guard "wheel" to Virginia in our borrowed Sikorsky H-19 helicopter.
We flew the H-19 in flight school but very little since. We couldn't go cross country right away, so we figured on getting some local stick time and pick up our passenger if the weather broke.

The H-19 had a goofy radio setup so we just put everything on intercom to be safe.

We wandered around at 200 feet, for about an hour and a half, joking, shooting the bull, telling stories and having a ball playing with that big old radial engine antique flying machine.

It seemed we had the sky to ourselves, we never heard another soul.

I asked my buddy what was the freq for Friendship Airport VOR.

A voice came on the radio with the freq.
It was the Army tower operator at Edgewood Arsenal, the only UHF radio around.

Then we remembered one of the goofy things about the radios was all the buttons transmitted if all the selectors were on ICS.

We landed at a small airport and spent the next hour trying to remember what we had said and about who.

And we kept laughing thinking of how those tower operators probably were cracking up laughing at those two dorks in the H-19. ;f

12-24-2003, 00:33
Habu (SR71) drivers went pretty durn high. One time a Habu was tooling along at 80,000 feet when he was ready to land at Beale.

SR71: "Center, Habu xx over XXX at FL800, requesting PCA (positive controlled airspace) penetration for landing Beale."

Center: "Habu, Center, roger, stand by."

SR71 (immediately): "Son, when you're doing mach three, there ain't no such thing as stand by!"


12-31-2003, 06:34
Couple silly ones that don't compare to the SR-71 guys but were funny as all get out at the time. Helicopters doing 90 knots tend to get pushed aside and "as long as you stay off the extended centerline, cleared direct" comments a lot. These are OH-58 A+ aircraft.

In Korea, there was one place that had GCA approaches so we went there for our mandatory number of approaches. After being routed through New Jersey (so it seemed) and waiting for a hundred fixed wings doing their approaches, listening to their calls, our turn. "Perform before landing check", says tower. "Wheels down and locked", say I. Dead silence. "What type aircraft again?" says tower...

I did not know how reliant at least part of the aviation community was on instruments until I went into Cherry Point to get an aircraft out of the paint shop.

"Tower, Army 12345 at (visual reference point) Lake" Don't remember exactly what the point was, but I remember the rest of it.
"Army 12345, say DME" (tower)
"Army 12345, negative DME" (me)
"Army 12345, say VOR radial"
"Army 12345, negative VOR"
"Army 12345, say NDB heading"
"Army 12345, inoperable ADF"

"Army 12345, would you like to declare an emergency?"
"Tower, Army 12345, I have a co-pilot and a map, those are all the nav aids I need."

Talked to tower operator after we landed and asked why she questioned about emergency. She said that there were many pilots who came in and did declare emergencies with VFR conditions if their nav aids receivers were not working. Huh?

*sigh* what can you do?


Junkyard Dawg
02-01-2004, 14:17
:cool: I figured that its time to add a few more to the list.


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, and yes, we copied Eastern...we've already notified our caterers."


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 239 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."


A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206."

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206, taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."


Texas T
02-01-2004, 18:00
The last two are priceless!!!! ;f ;f ;f

Junkyard Dawg
02-14-2004, 22:55
A little dark humor.

This scene took place on a BA flight between Johannesburg and London.

A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the Air Hostess.

"Madam, what is the matter?" the Hostess asked.

"You obviously do not see it then?" she responded. "You placed me next to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat."

"Be calm please," the hostess replied. "Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available."

The Hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later.

"Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the economy class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is also no seat in the business class. All the same, we still have one place in the first class."

Before the woman could say anything, the Hostess continued, "It is not usual for our company to permit someone from the economy class to sit in the first class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone sooooo disgusting."

She turned to the black gentleman, and said, "Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in first class."

At that moment, the other passengers who were shocked by what they had just witnessed stood up and applauded.

Junkyard Dawg
02-23-2004, 12:00
Somehow I doubt the authenticity of this little story but its still cute.

The Photographer

A photographer from a well-known national magazine was assigned to cover a recent local forest fire. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the firefighters as they battled the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved, and arrangements were made. He was told to report to the local airport, where a single engine plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!"

The pilot swung the plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.

The photographer said, "Fly over the fire and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I am a photographer for a national magazine," he responded, "and I need some close-up shots."

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?"

Junkyard Dawg
04-30-2004, 13:35
I've borrowed these from another forum.

You might be a Redneck Pilot if...

... your stall warning plays "Dixie."

... your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

... you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.

... you've ever used moonshine as avgas.

... you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.

... you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.

... your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

... you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

... just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

... you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.

... you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.

... you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.

... you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.

... you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."

... you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"

... there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.

... when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.

... you subscribe to, 'The Southern Aviator,' because of the soft paper!

... you have ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair of your aircraft.

... you have ever responded to ATC with the phrase, "That's a big 10-4!"

... you typically answer female controllers with titles like "sugar" or "little darlin'."

... she responds with the words "Honey" or "Big guy" then she may be a redneck.

... you have ever used a relief tube as a spittoon.

... you glance down at your belt buckle to help you remember your N-number.

... you have ever tried to impress your girlfriend by buzzing her doublewide.

... the preprinted portion of your weight and balance sheet contains "Case of Bud."

... your go/no-go checklist includes the words "Skoal" or "Redman."

... you get your pre-flight briefing from the Psychic Hotline.

... you're matched set of luggage is three grocery bags from Piggly Wiggly.

... you've got a gun rack on the passenger window.

... you have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together.

... your preflight includes removing all of the clover, grass, and wheat from your landing gear.

... you figure the weight of the mud and manure on your airplane into the CG calculations.

... you siphon gas from your tractor to put in your airplane.

·You've never landed at an actual airport though you've been flying for years.

... you've ground looped after hitting a cow.

... you consider anything over 100' AGL to be high altitude flight.

... there are parts of your airplane labeled John Deere.

... you've never actually seen a sectional but have all of the Texaco road maps for your flying area.

... there's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco stains on the left.

... you have to buzz the strip to chase off the sheep and goats.

... you use your parachute to cover your plane.

... you've ever landed on the main street of town to get a cup of coffee.

... the tread pattern, if any, on your main tires doesn't match.

... your primary comm. radio has 90 channels.

... your comm antenna is over 7 feet long.

... you call up the tower with "Breaker Breaker"

... you have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.

... you put hay in the baggage compartment so your dogs don't get cold.

... you use you landing light for hunting.

... your flight instructor's day job is at the community sales barn.

... you've got matching bumper stickers on the vertical fin.

... there are grass stains on your propeller tips.

... the FAA still thinks you live at your parents' house.

... your hangar collapses and more than 4 dogs are injured.

... when starting the prop you injure five dogs.

... somewhere on your airplane is an "I'd rather be fishing" bumper sticker.

... you navigate with your ADF tuned to exclusively country stations.

... when you go to the airport cafe they hand you biscuits and gravy instead of a menu.

... you think that an ultralight is a new sissy beer from Budweiser.

... you siphon Jet-A out of your King Air for your space heater. paint your aircraft bright orange with a black "01" on the side.

05-03-2004, 09:11
A few years ago I met a sled driver. He told me one time
they were flying along everything is going great, then he
see’s something then a couple of seconds later
It goes blazing by. He barely missed a high alt weather balloon.

05-04-2004, 18:39
Ahh yes, I've found a forum I truly love. So nice to hear what pilot types TRULY think about us controllers ;n My three favorite things to talk about... guns, military and aviation (especially being a controller).

I'm new to Glocktalk, so be gentle with your jabs.

05-04-2004, 20:34
This is most exellant, haveing a controller to grill? Get out all of our deepest darkest ATC questions.

BTW. What happens if I'm using the N-number of the guy that cut me off in the pattern last week when I bust the Bravo airspace? ;)

05-04-2004, 22:05
Originally posted by Wulfenite
This is most exellant, haveing a controller to grill? Get out all of our deepest darkest ATC questions.

BTW. What happens if I'm using the N-number of the guy that cut me off in the pattern last week when I bust the Bravo airspace? ;)