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mallcop
07-18-2004, 19:41
Greetings,

I feel as if though I am about to crumble under the weight on my shoulders. The woman (my wife) that I still love and have had a wonderful child (4) with have grown apart and soon will legaly seperate. We tried diffrent things such as counciling with poor results. I will be living close to them so I can help to care for my son and also to give my wife support with her life.

The emotional cost is high for all those concerned and I am haunted with the thought of being alone at 40. The little things I miss like walking hand in hand and snugling up on the couch where the food for my soul and will no longer be part of that which defines me as a man being able to support my family through the hardest times. My son will always be there and for this I am ever greatful.

Is it wrong of me to be searching for another woman at this point? I am not looking for the physical relation to stop the pain but a true "Soulmate". This experience has taught me to honor my new mate (God willing) with understanding, encouragement, devotion and selfless giving. Please excuse me for this deep post but I really do want the womens perspective on my feelings.

BikerGoddess
07-18-2004, 20:18
Do your new soulmate a favor and don't start looking for her while you're in the middle of a divorce.

Laura

MrsKitty
07-19-2004, 16:03
^6 ^6 ^6

Ditto that!

Wait until the divorce is over. Or longer.

Whether you realize it or not, you need time to heal and cope with this.

Your soulmate will still be out there when you are really ready ;)

c-mama
07-19-2004, 16:18
I don't think it's wrong to want someone in your life.

I agree with Laura and Miss Kitty in that you shouldn't look for something right now in the middle of a divorce.

I think that you should just go on with your life and I truly think that that special someone will walk her way into your life - probably when you least expect it.

Mrs. Jack T.
07-20-2004, 07:02
I don't want to step on anyone’s toes, but I'm going to stand on my soap box a few minutes. . . I fully DO NOT believe in divorce, work it out, by no means will it be easy, but anyone can do it with support and prayer! I know several people who didn't even try, you may have, I have no idea but at least try. I just started reading "The Power of a Praying Wife" and there is one called "The Power of a Praying Husband" by the same person, get it and read it, if it is half as good as the first 2 chapters I've read of the Praying Wife it will be good for you! The first chapter on Praying Wife is about Changing YOU not your spouse, I never looked at it that way but you can ask God to change and cleanse YOUR heart and in return you can also pray for your spouse, don't tell her you are praying for her, just do it. Also, find a good Bible Believing church with a strong Pastor you can go to and talk to, if you don't already have one. I may be in the minority but I believe you should follow God all the way, He will give you the best path, there will be trials and troubles but He'll help you be strong!
I am a child of divorced parents and they had no reason I see to have divorced, my mom was a little over weight and they didn't have much money but they could have worked it out, I think my dad just got it in his head he was going to have a "mid life crisis" and get divorced and get someone new, he did and I don't think she is any better than the one he had for 20 years. I was 18 when they divorced and it was awful! Don't do that to your boy, he needs you both at bedtime and at his little league games together, not fighting and sitting on different sides of the field.
Don't go out looking for another "soul mate" when God has already given you one, you say you still love your wife so do something about it, don't let it go by the wayside!

Here is what the Bible says about divorce. . .
Mark 10:1-12
1Jesus then left that place and went into the region of Judea and across the Jordan. Again crowds of people came to him, and as was his custom, he taught them.
2Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?"
3"What did Moses command you?" he replied.
4They said, "Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away."
5"It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law," Jesus replied. 6"But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.'[1] 7'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,[2] 8and the two will become one flesh.'[3] So they are no longer two, but one. 9Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
10When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. 11He answered, "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. 12And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery."

SouthernGal
07-20-2004, 08:06
I'm too late for Mrs. Jack T's advice. I divorced a year and a half ago (married 7 years). I have no regrets for divorcing. I did it for all the right reasons. I tried to "work it out". IT TAKES TWO working at it to work it out and I was willing but he was not. Despite the nice biblical references above, even the Puritans would have allowed a divorce under my circumstances.

You sound like you are still a believer in the "dream." Divorce has made me a skeptic of the whole love and "soul mate" thing. I don't think it makes you a bad person to believe--but you might be doing yourself a favor to get out, get clear of the divorce and clear YOUR mind BEFORE you pick up the search. You can use this time to think about what it is that you really want and this will keep most women from assuming you're just on the rebound and will better prepare you for the ups and downs of dating at this point in your life.

Good luck. Being single is hard enough at 33 so I can't imagine what it would be like at 40.

Jaegergirl
07-20-2004, 08:32
i am divorced as well. at the age of 26, i left my alcoholic, abusive husband because i feared for my life and the life of my son and couldn't take it anymore. the week after i moved out, i started counseling because i was so messed up. it made a world of difference. i found my "soul mate" several months later when i wasn't even looking for him. i truly believe it was divine intervention. :) ;) so it CAN happen.

i agree you should wait until the divorce is final and you have given yourself ample time to grieve. maybe look into counseling. one of the local churches around here offers a divorce recovery workshop. my mom's friend went to it and she said it was a big help. maybe there's a church around you that offers something similar.

good luck to to you.

LJB
07-20-2004, 16:26
Ditto SouthernGal!

I was married 3 years and divorced. Three years later I was remarried and have been married for 21 years. Now I will get on my soapbox. "He" did not help me. I helped myself through perserverance, caution, friends and reading. I became a stronger person, an individual if you will. Someone with a choice of how I wanted my future to be.

If what you miss in your marriage is cuddling and talking to someone, that is not enough for a relationship. Love your son and love yourself, but wait to love someone else. Divorce does strange things to your ego and this is no time to dump that on someone else.

Now as for being 40, it will be all in your head how you handle your age.

Good Luck and remember your son had nothing to do with this. I assume he loves both of you, so watch that you don't use him as a tool.

LJB

cashisking
07-20-2004, 16:33
Do yourself and anyone else who may get mixed up with you a HUGE favor and follow the advise given here, WAIT... You have to mend your broken heart and face your demons ON YOUR OWN before you will be any good to anyone else. Any relation started while you are still grieving for the things you lost, and learning to live all over again is going to end in hurt feelings, disgust, and broken hearts. Spend time on you and your son. Get to know YOU again....


THEN take the lessons you have learned and the lessons you will learn and apply that to a relationship...


Best of luck to you...

Jenn

mallcop
07-20-2004, 16:44
I do love my son and he loves his mother and father both very much. Neither my wife or I would dream of using him as a weapon and we will depend on each other greatly for child care. As a matter of fact I promised my wife I would give support with all the little things like her vehicle until we are officaly divorced. Several people have told me that I am a fool because of this but I feel it is the right thing to do. What do you think?

MrsKitty
07-20-2004, 16:51
Well, the amount of financial support you provide your wife with through this should depend on several things:

-who has more DISPOSABLE income, regardless of the level of income. For example, if you both are paid $50,000 yearly but you need $20,000 for bills/living expenses and she needs $45,000 for bills/living expenses, you are clearly more able to help her than she is able to help you or herself

-do you think she will take advantage of you helping her?

-what does your lawyer say?

mallcop
07-20-2004, 17:18
Ok this is going to floor everyone but our divorce will be non-contested and we are doing a joint property agreement that we worked on together. I know you are probaly thinking that we can work so well together why are we spliting up? Anyhow, she makes much more then I and the only lawyer in this mix is the one fileing the property agreement with the court. She recently told me that this does not gurantee divorce but gives her time to evaluate her feelings because she is not shore we are making the right decision either. I am confused! ;g

cashisking
07-20-2004, 17:24
Originally posted by mallcop
because she is not shore we are making the right decision either. I am confused! ;g


That right there tells me you two should keep on trying. Neither of you are sure this is what you want.... Without knowing the circumstances that are your life, I say keep trying with your WIFE!!! Exhaust all options go to all extents to keep your Family together!!!! :)


No reason to think of finding a soul mate and life partner when you and your wife obviously have unresolved issues...

MrsKitty
07-20-2004, 17:24
Yup, I am floored. And confused.

If she makes more money than you, she should not need you to help support her.

Just be careful, you might go out backwards here...

mallcop
07-20-2004, 17:52
I should have made myself clear when I mentioned support, I will pay 50% of mt sons costs such as food, clothing, school, etc. The other things are making shore her car is serviced (not on my dime) and changing filters at the house and such.

Do you feel this time apart in such a in your face manner (legal seperation) could really give a person there space to re-evaluate there feelings or just erase there bounds? Her words where that she wants to start our relation from a new and give her feelings a change sort themselves out.

Jaegergirl
07-20-2004, 18:09
Originally posted by cashisking
That right there tells me you two should keep on trying. Neither of you are sure this is what you want.... Without knowing the circumstances that are your life, I say keep trying with your WIFE!!! Exhaust all options go to all extents to keep your Family together!!!! :)


No reason to think of finding a soul mate and life partner when you and your wife obviously have unresolved issues...

i agree. i don't know you and don't know the circumstances but it doesn't sound like your marriage is over 100%. if you had counseling with poor results, perhaps you can try another counselor? divorce is so difficult, even moreso when children are involved. i personally feel you should exhaust every effort to stay together, unless, of course, abuse is involved (not saying that's the case in your situation, i'm just talking about "in general").

when it comes to support, i believe that it should be 50/50 when it comes to the children. as far as other expenses, if SHE's the one who wants the divorce for no other reason then because she feels "you've drifted apart", then i don't think you should be responsible for supporting her.. like maintaining her car, insurance, etc. but that's just my opinion.

mallcop
07-20-2004, 18:29
Jaegergirl,

I hear you loud and clear but I offered the extra help (car maintenance and such) because I feel that as long as she is on her own and we are not devorced it is the right thing to do. Am I too nice? When I am in a relationship I am very devoted to that person. I never even cheated on a girlfriend in as much as holding the hand of another women!!! It has always has been more important to me uphold the virtue and respect of that partner then seek my own satisfaction.

BikerGoddess
07-20-2004, 21:01
Space can give you the perspective to realize where you're perpetuating destructive habits. Some time apart might allow you both to realize that things aren't as bad as they seem now.

I believe marriage is forever, but I also believe that people make mistakes. Of course, I'm not married, so it's really easy to say both those things. Whatever you decide, you should probably see a counsellor on your own. There will be lots of things to work through, either way.

Laura

P.S. Your current wife may very well not be your soulmate. Only you can answer that. Having a soulmate doesn't mean things are easy, though. So if you're looking for a relationship that takes care of itself, you're in for a rude awakening...

Jaegergirl
07-20-2004, 21:27
Originally posted by mallcop
Jaegergirl,

I hear you loud and clear but I offered the extra help (car maintenance and such) because I feel that as long as she is on her own and we are not devorced it is the right thing to do. Am I too nice? When I am in a relationship I am very devoted to that person. I never even cheated on a girlfriend in as much as holding the hand of another women!!! I always has been more important to me uphold the virtue and respect of that partner then seek my own satisfaction.

are you too nice? well that depends i guess. if your wife treats you like crap but you still continue to help her out, then yes, you're too nice. on the otherhand, if you're doing it because it's the right thing to do and she's not taking advantage of your kindness, then i say you're one heck of a guy. ;)

i'm not a total b%*#h, so hope that's not the way i'm coming across. it's just that being too nice got me burned pretty bad. in my situation, i went against my lawyer's advice and went too easy on my ex because he "promised" to do right by our son. boy, was i stupid for believing THAT one!!! :steamed: he totally took advantage of my kindness and to this day i still kick myself for not listening to my lawyer and my family. oh well, nothing i can do about it now.

good luck to you in whatever happens.

SouthernGal
07-21-2004, 07:31
Originally posted by mallcop
Ok this is going to floor everyone but our divorce will be non-contested and we are doing a joint property agreement that we worked on together. I know you are probaly thinking that we can work so well together why are we spliting up? Anyhow, she makes much more then I and the only lawyer in this mix is the one fileing the property agreement with the court. She recently told me that this does not gurantee divorce but gives her time to evaluate her feelings because she is not shore we are making the right decision either. I am confused! ;g

The uncontested part does not surprise me. My divorce was uncontested as well. My reasons for filing as I did related to the fact that I didn't want to HAVE to drag my H's name through the mud, regardless of what he'd done over the course of the marriage. I forfeited my rights to the home, and didn't touch a single dime of his 401K. I had the initial agreement written up and told him that this was what I was offering in order to make things quicker and cheaper for the both of us and if he didn't sign the papers as they were that I would refile under a different reason and we'd be doing war publicly. He signed.

If you or your wife are not sure if divorcing is the right thing to do, it sounds to me as if you two need to make the decision to "get off the fence". I was on the fence for a long time myself. My first counseling session, my doctor told me to read "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum and then to pass the book on to my husband to read. This book played a pivotal role in my decision to leave. I highly recommend it if you're on the fence and can't make up your mind. The book is available on Amazon.

Offering help isn't a bad thing, codependence is. Just be careful.

seb
07-22-2004, 06:38
Originally posted by SouthernGal

If you or your wife are not sure if divorcing is the right thing to do, it sounds to me as if you two need to make the decision to "get off the fence". I was on the fence for a long time myself. My first counseling session, my doctor told me to read "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum and then to pass the book on to my husband to read. This book played a pivotal role in my decision to leave. I highly recommend it if you're on the fence and can't make up your mind. The book is available on Amazon.



Thanks gal for the advice on the book. Hope i'm not stealing this thread, but i'm going to be seperating from my husband in a few weeks, i'm trying to be as nice as I can be and he will be making out rather well. He'll be keeping the log home and most of the furniture and one of the sons. He is only worried, it will make him lose everything if I leave. I figured after 18 yrs of mental sh** enough was enough and he could deal with the payments on the house and i'll be happy to take my other two boys and my furniture. I have went over and over in my mind if I was doing the right thing. It's a tough decision, the counselor (sp?) told me I should have left along time ago. Men or woman who like to play mental games on spouses, always make the other worry everything whether everything will be alright without them.

Terrie

SouthernGal
07-22-2004, 07:52
If you really are wishing to make a decision and want to feel confident about it, this book is great at pinpointing problem areas that impact a marriage. It also helps that the author tells you "if you answered question #__ with yes, you can feel confident that you are better off leaving than you are staying.

My very first appointment with the counselor she told me that she thought I'd be better off leaving, but she felt I needed to reach that conclusion on my own and thought this book would help out. She was right.

I am sure my blood pressure is down since the divorce and my overall health (both mentally and physically) has improved as well.