Late night John Kerry jokes [Archive] - Glock Talk

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08-12-2004, 16:15
"John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you're not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president." —David Letterman

"There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'" —Craig Kilborn

"John Kerry suspended his campaign for five days this week in honor of President Reagan. And right now, he's ahead in the polls. How's that make him feel? Disappears for a week and he's up in the polls. What else can he do now but go into hiding." —Jay Leno

"'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." —Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke." —Jay Leno

"This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, 'I'm John Kerry and I approve of this message — if I have one.'" —Craig Kilborn

"John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a 'charisma black hole.'" —Jay Leno

"Gas prices are up, the stock market is down, Iraq is a mess and John Kerry is saying, 'How am I gonna beat this guy?" —David Letterman

"Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign." —David Letterman

"The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as 'the Leno.' There are really two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them." —David Letterman

"President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.' " —Craig Kilborn

"The prisoner scandal is yet another election year problem for President Bush. And, with the economy still struggling, combat operations in Iraq dragging on, and the 9-11 hearings revealing damning information, even an opponent of limited political skill should be able to capitalize on those problems. The Democrats, however, chose to nominate John Kerry." —Jon Stewart

"John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message." —David Letterman

"Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts." —Craig Kilborn

"Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners. His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit." —Craig Kilborn

"Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages." —Jay Leno

"President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off in front of the news media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall so it's not as serious. ... Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough to give conflicting reports to the officers about what happened." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry, he said, 'To me, she looks like a million bucks'" —Jay Leno

"John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his "Meet the Press" interview for a total cost of $1,000. That's $1,000 for a haircut, which sounds like a lot, but have you seen the size of Kerry's head." —Jay Leno

"Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he's the dad from 'The Munsters."' —Jay Leno

"John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican." —David Letterman

"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them." —Jay Leno

"They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" —Jay Leno

"Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." —Craig Kilborn

"Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card." —Craig Kilborn

"We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really offers us a choice of two well-informed opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there." —Jay Leno

"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his campaign. It was reported today that Kerry's hoping to raise $80 million before the Democratic convention. That's a lot of money. Yeah, Kerry has two ways to raise the $80 million: soliciting Democratic donors and going through his wife's purse." —Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry says that he wants to debate President Bush once a month until the election. This could be a risky move for Senator Kerry. If Bush doesn't show up for the debates, John Kerry may end up debating an empty chair. And that could be pretty much a toss up as to which one has the better personality." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry described his Republican critics as 'the most crooked, lying group I've ever seen.' Now, that's saying something, because Kerry's both a lawyer and a politician." —Jay Leno

"The White House begun airing their TV commercials to re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said, it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam War." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for the working man." —Jay Leno

"I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal." —David Letterman

"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle." —Craig Kilborn

"Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will marry him." —Jay Leno

"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton." —David Letterman

"During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage." —Conan O'Brien

"It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his way to the presidential nomination. The only thing that can sink John Kerry now is an Al Gore endorsement." —Jay Leno

"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox — his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues." —Jay Leno

"An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'" —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Over the weekend, John Kerry — the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on — he won primaries in Washington D.C., Nevada and, I think, Canada. And he's so confident that he's started nailing that intern again." —David Letterman

"Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27-year-old woman came for to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry. The woman added, 'I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry it." —Jay Leno

"The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.' Then he said, 'And until we find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.'" —Conan O'Brien

"The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'" —Jay Leno

"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it!" —Jay Leno

"In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he was married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany. Finally a Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in women." —Jay Leno

"It's nine months before the election and Bush's poll numbers have fallen to the exact level that his father's poll numbers were nine months before he lost to Bill Clinton. Today front runner John Kerry said he's not superstitious, but just to be on the safe side, he's going to start f---ing everything that moves." —Bill Maher

"John Kerry was officially endorsed by Dick Gephardt, and Kerry said, 'What did I ever do to you?'" —Craig Kilborn

"A number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John Kerry now, as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he's had Botox shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have vanished. They haven't vanished, just Howard Dean is wearing them now." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry is finding out that it is no fun to be the front runner, that's when you get all the heat. He had to deny internet rumors this week that he had Botox treatments. The Republicans say Kerry should have a clear, unfurrowed brow the old fashioned way by not giving a sh--." —Bill Maher

"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." —Jay Leno

"Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well is because he’s 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore — in fact, he even got elected and it didn't help him at all." —Jay Leno

"A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away." —Dennis Miller

"The big winner last night in New Hampshire — Senator John Kerry. He won 39 percent of the vote, which is pretty good, and begs the question, why the long face?" —Jay Leno

"Real movement in the Kerry campaign now. His poll numbers are moving, donations are moving, endorsements are moving. The only thing not moving is his hair." —Jay Leno

"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry’s victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the presidential race around. Now instead of the rich white guy from Yale who lives in the White house facing off against the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Vermont, he may have to face the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Massachusetts. It’s a whole different game." —Jay Leno

"During the Democratic presidential debate Howard Dean started off by apologizing to the crowd for having a cold. Then John Kerry apologized for once having a cold while serving his country in Vietnam." —Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the 'comeback kid.' That used to be Bill Clinton's name — because every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not." —Jay Leno

"These campaigns are getting so nasty. They are going through people's old taxes, coming up with these old quotes. Today, somebody released footage of John Kerry throwing apples at Dorothy. To me he just looks like the tree from 'The Wizard of Oz.'" —Bill Maher

"Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?" —David Letterman

"The Boston Globe is reporting that Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry used to date actress Morgan Fairchild but it didn't work out. Apparently she couldn't handle dating someone with bigger hair then she had." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But the doctors did tell him it would be several months before he could be sexually active again. All the other Democratic candidates have been very supportive. Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best. The Rev. Al Sharpton called to offer prayers. Former President Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely." —Jay Leno