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G20man
09-27-2004, 19:05
The Coyote pack was hungry. One rested in the shade of a Mesquite tree as the heat waves boiled up into the shimmering horizon. The other eight were deep in their den under the desert of Southeastern Arizona. The sun would soon drop behind the towering Mount Graham hiding its heat. Then the hunting would begin. The pack was caught in the balance of a desperate struggle for life and death. They did not know that the scales had already been tipped against them by their own need to survive.
It was the second year that the rain had been minimal. The cacti could wait it out. The other plant life could not and would become the first domino of the habitat to fall. Without the grasses and small plants, the rodents and rabbits became domino number two. The coyotes and foxes were domino number three. The coyote, however, has proven itself to be a resilient species with the ability to adapt to a changing environment.

The top of Mount Graham, at 10,500 feet, was a blaze with the last rays of the setting sun. The leader of the pack felt a feverish heat that he usually felt only at noonday. His survival instincts were sharp though his mind was cloudy. The Pack had to travel farther from home to find the small animals that made up the majority of their diet. He would take the pack over the soft hills to the large slow moving animals. Maybe they would get as lucky as the time before. The pack was on edge and the close confines of the den became unbearable. Two of the younger members came out of the den scrambling to avoid a fight.

Southeast a few miles from the packs den and twenty-five miles from Safford was the Sand Dunes Recreation area. Two months previously the pack had carefully moved through the 2000-acre playground for off road vehicles to get to the Bar S Bar cattle ranch. They had looked for the new calves. A cow had attacked them with ferocity instead of the fear that they had expected from these animals. The pack had brought it down and gorged on it.

Mark Winchester slowed down his Dodge truck as they entered Safford.
It was 6:45 P.M. they had been on the road for 3 hours since they had left the Phoenix Metro area where they both lived. Mark pulled into a double space at the Burger King. He got out and checked the tie straps of the trailer holding down the Polaris Quads. The sun set while they were eating. The warm, July, heat greeted them as they got back into the truck. Safford is a small town with only two stoplights on Highway 70, one of the main roads through town. They turned at the second stoplight onto Highway 191 heading South.

Mark and his hunting buddy for the past 25 years, Jason Connors, were out for a little adventure riding ATVs, All Terrain Vehicles, at the Sand Dunes Recreation area. The sand dunes are rolling hills that turn an off road vehicle into a roller coaster.

Twenty minutes later they turned off the pavement onto Tanque road. The dirt road was well maintained and they knew that they would be there soon. They pulled into the empty parking lot. There was a block building housing restrooms and a drinking fountain. Mark started untying the quads. This was only his second visit here and Jason’s first. Mark then drove the quads off the trailer. The sky was overcast and dark on this warm summer evening. The stars and moon were completely covered giving no light to help them prepare for their ride. They used small but powerful Sure-Fire flashlights, that used two, 3-volt lithium batteries, to get the quads ready to go.

Mark had recently bought himself a new Polaris Xplorer 400, a four wheeled ATV or quad runner with a 2-stroke engine. Jason would ride the older Polaris Magnum 325, with a 4-stroke engine.
Mark handed Jason a helmet and some goggles. Jason tried to use his glasses underneath the goggles. It did not work as the goggles pressed the glasses hard against his face in a most uncomfortable way. He could get by with things a little blurry. He reached into his fanny pack to get the hard case for his glasses. He put them into the case and put it back into the pack on top of the 15-round 9mm magazine. He felt the outline of the Glock model 19 inside the inner pouch. He always carried a firearm going out into the desert. The CCW, Concealed Carry Weapon, permit allowed him to discreetly carry his G-19 almost anywhere.

Putting the goggles back on and then the helmet Jason turned to see that Mark was waiting for him. Mark had his Heckler Koch P-13, 9mm pistol, in a holster on his side. Jason swung his leg over the seat of the Polaris Magnum. His thumb pressed the starter button and nothing happened. It had been okay when Mark drove it off the trailer. The battery was now dead.
“Try the kick start”, suggested Mark, “It will charge up while we ride”.

Jason cranked on it. Mark walked around to the left side and verified that the gas valve was on. The fourth kick the engine sputtered again and started. Jason worked the gas lever with his thumb to keep the engine running. Mark jumped back on his quad and they were off. Jason knew that Mark had the more powerful quad but was determined to stay up with him. The rolling hills were covered with trails, around, over and in between them.

They had gone about a mile constantly turning, one way and then and another along the trails. The darkness was complete except for the lights of the quads. The goggles were dirty and sweat was rolling down Jason’s face. The brush and hillsides continued to rush by them as they sped along. It gave Jason the eerie feeling of being in a tunnel or on an amusement ride.

They stopped on top of a hill. They removed their helmets and felt the breeze on their sweaty faces. They looked up but could not see any stars. There were no landmarks visible except some distant lights. They were confused and lost.
“We just have to keep riding”, said Mark. “The Parking lot should be that away”. He was pointing, unknowingly, in a Southern direction while the lot was to the West of their current location.

Mark took off racing ahead in the direction he had pointed. Jason followed in pursuit. It was hard to maintain a bearing as the trails would twist and turn them around rather quickly. Mark was steadily opening the gap between them. Jason punched the gas lever to increase his speed but the engine lugged down instead. He was working the throttle while the quad’s automatic transmission jerked him forward for a few yards and then the engine died.

Mark had gone two hundred yards before he noticed that Jason had stopped. He turned around and went back yelling over the engine noise. “What happened?”
“I don’t know”, said Jason. “I kept giving it gas but it would not go.” Jason pressed the starter button, no good. He stood up, kicked the kick-start and they were off again. They had ridden for an hour without out finding the parking lot.
They had stopped several times trying to figure out where they were without any luck. They seemed to be driving in circles, everything looked the same.

They had seen a dog near the empty parking lot on the way in and had mistaken it for a coyote. The animals before them now were definitely coyotes. Mark gunned his quad leaping ahead of Jason who had been trailing in the rear. They followed them over one little hill driving up into the group of coyotes expecting them to scatter like normal. But these were not normal Coyotes. Like dogs chasing cars, suddenly they were nipping at the tires of the quads. Mark broke to the right going over a small hill breaking out of the pack and Jason followed him. It was too dark for Mark and Jason to know they were being followed. Jason was going down the backside of the next little hill and had that sinking feeling as the 325cc engine of his quad started to lug down again. He worked the throttle but the quad lurched to a stop. Mark continued on without realizing Jason was stalled again. Jason thought he heard a low growl from behind him in the darkness.

He removed his helmet to be able to hear well. He reached into his fanny pack and withdrew the surefire flashlight. Pressing the button the light illuminated the 16 glowing eyes of the pack and two dark forms. Immediately some the eyes blinked out as he saw more of the dark shapes take form while moving to the right and left. He moved the flashlight to verify that they were starting to flank him. He heard the growl again as the one of the Coyotes directly above him on the hill began moving towards him.

“What are they doing?” Jason thought to himself.
Jason could feel the hair on the back of his neck stand up as the wave of fear and danger washed over him. His right hand opened the fanny pack and withdrew his G-19. The Trijicon night sites of the Glock glowed with the Tritium inserts.

Jason wondered what had happened to Mark but was afraid to look towards the distant sound of the quad. Swinging the light back and forth 180 degrees he watched the coyotes surrounding him. He saw that one on his left had moved in close. He raised the Glock, centered the three dots on the coyote, using his left arm for support, still holding the light. His finger pressed the trigger engaging the safety lever within it. Boom! The shot shattered the silence. The coyote jumped with the sand geyser that showered him.
“I missed”, shouted Jason within his mind. The coyote growled and kept coming.

Everything turned into slow motion. The coyotes were rushing him from 3 sides but he could not move fast enough to shoot. He got back to the middle group held the sites on another coyote and pressed the trigger again. Boom! This time he heard a yelp as the 124-grain, Federal, Hydro-shock hollow point broke a front leg just above the knee.

Mark heard the first shot and stopped, wondering what Jason was shooting at. He looked back just in time to see the second shot. He was shocked by what he saw. He turned his quad around in time to see a coyote hit Jason with a flying leap, knocking him down from behind. He was over a hundred yards away. He pushed the throttle wide open.

Miss Maggie
09-30-2004, 22:14
OOPS

Miss Maggie
09-30-2004, 22:37
Hi G20man,
I read your story and I enjoyed it. You've created a good storyline with plenty of action and good description. It moves well.
I've watched for a few days hoping someone else would give you the feedback you requested; but so far, nothing's happened, and I want to see this forum go, so I've attempted to tackle the task myself.

Any of my comments are just suggestions and nothing more, to be used or ignored as you see fit, but I've found that sometimes I'm so close to my own work, that I cannot see where it needs change. For this reason I always share new writings with someone from a group of writing friends and get their comments or suggestions.

I did this criticism in Word, where I had it colored and italicized to make it easier to see where your writing is and where my suggestions are, but could not figure out how to keep the changes once I transferred to the post.
Anyway, here goes:

One of the first things I’ve observed that you might want to look at is the use of passive voice. Unless there exists an actual reason for using passive voice, active voice gives your writing more power and punch in telling your stories. The idea is go get in as many words that show images as possible while at the same time eliminating words that just sit there and show nothing.
Example of what I’m talking about from first paragraphs:
Your first two sentences: "The Coyote pack was hungry. One rested in the shade of a Mesquite tree as the heat waves boiled up into the shimmering horizon."
—To eliminate the first sentence beginning in passive voice, you might could combine the first two sentences: A lone Coyote from a hungry pack rested in the shade of a Mesquite tree as heat waves boiled up into the shimmering horizon. Eight other coyotes rested deep in their den under a Southeastern Arizona desert.

Another example from your writing: "The pack was caught in the balance of a desperate struggle for life and death. They did not know that the scales had already been tipped against them by their own need to survive." This could be changed to eliminate the passive in this way: Caught in the balance of a desperate struggle for life and death, the pack did not know that their own need to survive had already tipped the scales against them.

You have used passive voice a lot through the writing but from these examples you can get the idea of what I’m talking about. Read through and eliminate as many passive verbs as you can. Also try to eliminate any words that don’t show any action or do anything. The tighter you write, the better.

Your story line is very good and your descriptions are great! Your pacing is good, but I wonder if such allusions as the domino effect do not slow the reader down. Get the story rolling and keep it going. To me, the domino effect added nothing to the story. A statement of the facts could more simply show it. Showing is always better than telling. If it’s important, the reader will recognize the domino effect without the writer pointing it out. Any time unnecessary information slows the reader, its inclusion should be questioned. Example from your writing: "It was the second year that the rain had been minimal. The cacti could wait it out. The other plant life could not and would become the first domino of the habitat to fall. Without the grasses and small plants, the rodents and rabbits became domino number two. The coyotes and foxes were domino number three. The coyote, however, has proven itself to be a resilient species with the ability to adapt to a changing environment." Take a look at how I suggest compacting this passage:
Withering from lack of rain in the burning sun, tender plant life floundered around the more resilient cacti. The grasses and small plants, no longer able to supply food to the rabbits and rodents, yellowed and died. The resistant coyote, however, fell back on his ability to adapt to a changing environment.

These changes would reduce the number of words from 76 to 52 and still say the same thing. Think about it, and you can come up with even better ways of saying the same things. Yours is an exciting story that moves and these are just some pointers to make it move faster.

Further down when you begin to introduce your two main characters for the first time the sentence reads:
Mark Winchester slowed down his Dodge truck as they entered Safford. Right here would be the place to introduce Mark’s friend instead of including him in a "they" pairing . In maybe the next paragraph down you have this statement: "Mark and his hunting buddy for the past 25 years, Jason Connors, were out for a little adventure riding ATVs, All Terrain Vehicles, at the Sand Dunes Recreation area. The sand dunes are rolling hills that turn an off road vehicle into a roller coaster." It would work well if you inserted this sentence immediately after the sentence introducing Mark Winchester. Or you could reverse these two sentences at the beginning of the paragraph introducing them. If you do that use full names at the first mention of both characters.

At the place where your characters stop on top of the hill, it seems that they’ve only stopped for a minute’s rest, maybe to enjoy the air against their sweaty faces. Then you use the sentence: "They were confused and lost." Instead of telling us they’re lost, show us they are confused and lost. Let them scratch their heads, rub their chins, whatever men do when confused and lost. Also this would be a good place to use some dialogue to explain the situation. “Did you see that funny looking four-armed cactus we passed a while back?” “Yeah, I think we passed that thing three times,” or some such dialogue. Lead us into the realization that they are now lost. The same thing goes further down after they’ve been riding around awhile. Your use this sentence: "They seemed to be driving in circles, everything looked the same." Figure out a more imaginative way to let them realize they’re going in circles. It would be good to introduce a little panic here to add more excitement to your story.

Further down at first mention of danger from the coyotes to the men you use this sentence: "The animals before them now were definitely coyotes." Before you identify these animals, make us aware of their presence. This would be the perfect place to introduce a little drama. Don’t just state the facts though. Let the men see blazing eyes glittering in the darkness around them. Let an offensive odor from one of the beasts tease their nostrils. Maybe let them hear the howling of the coyotes before they even sense their presence.

At the scene with the shots you have written: "Mark heard the first shot and stopped, wondering what Jason was shooting at. He looked back just in time to see the second shot. He was shocked by what he saw. He turned his quad around in time to see a coyote hit Jason with a flying leap, knocking him down from behind. He was over a hundred yards away. He pushed the throttle wide open." Vary sentence structure, as well as sentence length. You have in this one paragraph five sentences beginning with he. Here’s an example of how I might rewrite this section to introduce variety: When he heard a shot, Mark stopped and looked back in time to hear the thunder of the second shot. Shocked at the sight before him, he turned his quad around just as a leaping coyote attacked Jason, knocking him down from behind. Over a hundred yards away, he pushed the throttle wide open.

By combining sentences and varying structure, you’ve cut the word count for this section from 66 to 54 and added to the story. This could be done in quite a few places throughout your story, thus tightening it up and making it more dramatic at the same time.

You have written: "in an effort to get there quicker. The quad bit into the sand and rushed forward." Reword to show it’s Mark driving the quad and causing it to bite the sand and rush forward and not the quad doing it on its own volition.

After the attack scene, I would consider not going back to the coyotes, except for telling and showing the way they affect the two men. You've already brought them up to meet the men, which was their main purpose in the story. Now we’re more interested in the men and the coyotes on their own are not very interesting until they attack for the second time. Anything further you want to tell about the coyotes before the second attack might be better done through dialogue between the two men until the second attack starts. Then you have handled it beautifully. Just check sentence structure and watch out for the passive verbs. Also think about cutting any word that does not carry its own weight.

Hopes this helps. Miss Maggie

G20man
10-04-2004, 21:52
Thank You Miss Maggie. I will do another re-write with your ideas in mind. The characters were created more than 20 years ago and live within the pages of an unfinished novel. About 5 years ago I came up with this idea for Coyote Run. I decided to enter it into one of those writing contest. Unfortunately I got started to late to really do the proper editing/rewrite before the deadline. I was limited to 4000 words and made it fit. I pulled it out again after seeing this forum.

I have added in just over 120 words to fill in the gaps of the version that I submitted to the contest. I included little things, like the fact that the characters had been hunting buddies for many years. I know that I am to close, like most writers, to my characters and story to see the things that you have pointed out.

I have made the mistake of writing in the passive voice before. I really appreciate this forum and the opportunity to learn from it.

Thanks again for your comments,
G20man

Miss Maggie
10-05-2004, 08:32
Originally posted by G20man
Thank You Miss Maggie. I will do another re-write with your ideas in mind. The characters were created more than 20 years ago and live within the pages of an unfinished novel. About 5 years ago I came up with this idea for Coyote Run. I decided to enter it into one of those writing contest. Unfortunately I got started to late to really do the proper editing/rewrite before the deadline. I was limited to 4000 words and made it fit. I pulled it out again after seeing this forum.

I have added in just over 120 words to fill in the gaps of the version that I submitted to the contest. I included little things, like the fact that the characters had been hunting buddies for many years. I know that I am to close, like most writers, to my characters and story to see the things that you have pointed out.

I have made the mistake of writing in the passive voice before. I really appreciate this forum and the opportunity to learn from it.

Thanks again for your comments,
G20man

We're all so close to our own work that we cannot see the things others see so clearly. I'm glad to help. I enjoyed the story!

I entered one of those writing contests once, the Sherwood Anderson sort story competition. My story came in second place! I got a little money and a certificate. The story will go in a Sherwood Anderson winner's anthology one of these days.

Miss Maggie