"Airline Humor" [Archive] - Glock Talk

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Glockdude1
12-12-2004, 19:32
"Airline Humor"

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the
in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here
are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
* On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant

crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort
and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."


* Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen,
if
you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing
and
if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."


* On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of

your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure
it's
something we'd like to have."


* There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4

ways out of this airplane"

* "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

* As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan

airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
WHOA!"


* After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please
take
care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing
like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."


* From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest

Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
into
the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt;
and,
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in

public unsupervised."


* "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over
your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your
mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small
child, pick your favorite."


* Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

* "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the
event
of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them
with our
compliments."

* "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the

flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."


* And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines
is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"


* Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That
was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it
wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the

flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."


* Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
on
a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
remain
in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis
what's
left of our airplane to the gate!"


* Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the
terminal."


* After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant
came
on the horn, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against
the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells
are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage
to the terminal."


* Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like
to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we
hope you'll think of US Airways."


* An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He
said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers
in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally

everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a
cane.
She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,

Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did
we
land, or were we shot down?"

AND MY FAVORITES,

* A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached
a
comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the

intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead
is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now
sit back and relax . . . OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back
on
the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally

spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my

pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see
the back of mine!!!!!"


;N