Haynes Manual Translations [Archive] - Glock Talk

PDA

View Full Version : Haynes Manual Translations


kfoley
01-11-2005, 20:57
Haynes Manual Translations

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly
with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly
with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly
with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through
before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos
of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy
size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch
some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and
maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the
veins on your
forehead are throbbing then clamp with visegrips then
beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We
warned you...

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you
manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this
because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you
also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo
underground (in fact that would have been more use to
you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a
couple of days.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are
you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones
in it again.

Haynes: Bolt will be tight
Translation: You havent a hope in hell!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special
tool like this...
Translation:
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and
down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find
some visegrips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you
know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud
knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's
going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob
of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of
someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the
spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards
will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your
stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel
deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different
places.


Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly
with hammer.

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't
bother.
Alternatively, clamp with visegrips then beat
repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book,
except what you need to do

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: AAA Card & Cell Phone

Wmarden
01-11-2005, 23:38
I gotta give you an amen brother to that one.

kfoley
01-12-2005, 22:30
Yeah, first time I read that I said "that is so true..."

Glad you enjoyed it...

coastalcop
01-13-2005, 08:32
"requires extensive mechanical knowledge" :...... Unless you work as a rocket scientist for NASA DO NOT ATTEMPT !!!

Of course using these things for imports MG and FIAT I wish they would just be honest.


For MG
If it says "Lucas" on it, REPLACE with anything else !

For Fiat
"This bolt torqued on by Rocky Balboa , dont flatter yourself by thinking you have a chance to get it off. " oh and by the way , we are only gonna give you 10 degrees of turning room and the bolt is as long as the car.

General Sherman
01-13-2005, 15:13
And for English sports cars, if it is made of rubber it has rotted, so replace it.

"Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch
some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and
maybe a plaster or two)." ---SO TRUE