"Quantas Airlines" [Archive] - Glock Talk


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04-11-2005, 18:42
"Quantas Airlines"

After various flights, Quantas Airlines pilots fill out a form called
a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered
the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in
writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken,
and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never
let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and
problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded
Quantas maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action
taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget


04-12-2005, 01:49
Believe it or not, I had one of those write ups when I was in the Air Force.
Plane on the tarmack, engines running, awaiting take-off, and the 2nd Lt. pilot calls in a malfunction, "IFF does not work in the O-F-F mode." We run up to the plane turn the IFF on and tell him, respectfully as possible, the IFF has to be in the O-N mode to work properly, running off of the plane before we broke out in laughter.

04-12-2005, 06:45
Why does a Qantas air liner have an IFF and target radar?

And just for the record,

Qantas has had accidents. They had one in 1960 in which 38 people died.

Qantas likes to boast that they have not had a loss of life in the jet airplane age. But they did have a crash in Thialand in 1999 in which no one died.

Still it is a funny read.