Hahahah...!!! 2 ;z [Archive] - Glock Talk

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mikol
07-04-2005, 10:38
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from
the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the rest room;
but I don't know what got into me, so I answered,
somewhat embarrassed:
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that?
At that point, I'm thinking
this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out
as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

???O.K., this question is just too weird for me;
but I figured I could just be polite and end
the conversation. I tell him:
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously.....
"Listen, I'll have to call you back.
There's an idiot in the other stall
who keeps answering all my questions."


in times of problems...just laugh it out guys and you'll be fine. ;z ;f ;f ;)

Kiddo
07-05-2005, 07:45
;z ;a

mikol
07-05-2005, 07:58
Originally posted by Kiddo
;z ;a
hi kiddo, that's what they called "toilet humor".;f ;) ;)
so if you are in the same situation, do not answer other peoples questions specially when they are asking/talking inside a toilet stall, 'coz you might become an idiot answering questions that are not meant for you. ;e ;e ;)

i_am_infinity
07-07-2005, 19:13
Hahahaha!!!! true story ba yan ??

mikol
07-08-2005, 23:37
Originally posted by i_am_infinity
Hahahaha!!!! true story ba yan ??

di naman pass-on story lang ika nga ni bosing mc_o. ;f ;)

Kiddo
07-09-2005, 05:49
nagiging uso na yung pass-on na term ngayon ah. ;f

i_am_infinity
07-09-2005, 06:52
Originally posted by Kiddo
nagiging uso na yung pass-on na term ngayon ah. ;f

not only that....BONDING NA WALANG MALISYA pa!!! HAHAHAHA;a ;f

bulm540
07-09-2005, 08:37
He was probably on his Cell phone.

mikol
07-09-2005, 09:09
Originally posted by bulm540
He was probably on his Cell phone.
surely the one asking questions is talking to somebody else in his mobile. and the other guy in the other stall is just assuming that he was the one being ask by the other person seating inside the stall beside him.;f
or maybe they know each other and talking to their mobile using 3-way telephone conferencing. ;e ;e ;) ;)

antediluvianist
07-19-2005, 03:29
>>>News just in:

The AP and UPI newswires have reported that the French Government has
announced that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to
'Hide'.

The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'.

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's
White Flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

_____ End of news flash.

mikol
07-19-2005, 03:51
Originally posted by antediluvianist
>>>News just in:

The AP and UPI newswires have reported that the French Government has
announced that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to
'Hide'.

The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'.

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's
White Flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

_____ End of news flash.
^3 ~1 ;f nice on anti.;f (comosava ;))

9MX
08-14-2005, 19:04
An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."

vega
08-14-2005, 19:16
;a ;a ;a LOL.

vega

PMMA97
08-14-2005, 20:53
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier USS LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

mikol
08-14-2005, 22:34
Originally posted by PMMA97
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
`l ~rf ^c good one PMMA97. ;f

Alexii
08-18-2005, 01:11
Soldier and the Nun

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.

He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few
minutes. I'll explain why later.

The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, two MPs came running
along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road.

She replied, "He went that way".

After the MPs disappeared, the soldier Crawled out from under her skirt
and said." I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to
go to Iraq.

The nun said she understood.

The GI said," I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you
have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"

The nun replied," If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen
the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen!

I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

mikol
08-18-2005, 01:57
Originally posted by Alexii
The GI said," I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you
have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"

The nun replied," If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen
the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen!

bwahahahaha!!!!! `l ~rf if he had just look higher, hi might have played baseball while hiding, and he won't be worrying loosing the ball 'coz there's one extra.;z ;)

nyordak17
08-18-2005, 02:29
This story happened a few months ago along the Tagaytay Road. There was a guy who got left behind by a pack of mountain bikers. The group was large and he didnt bring a cellphone. He crashed his bike somewhere between Picnic Grove and DBP. To make things worse, a storm came in. So he walked.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night passed slowly and no cars went by.

The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few meters ahead of him.

Suddenly, just before the junction going to Manila, he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. It was raining hard, wind blowing all around you, what would you do? Like you would, he got into the car and closed the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car slowly started moving again. The guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve. The guy started to pray, begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and he would plunge to his death, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Terrified, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally, the guy gathered his wits and leaped from the car and ran to the nearest place where there were houses.

Wet and in shock, he went into a store and voice quavering, ordered 2 bottles of Red Horse Beer, and told the people about his horrible, supernatural experience. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was apparently sane and not drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the same store. One says to the other..........






"Yan ! Yan yung tarantadong sumakay habang nagtutulak tayo..."

mikol
08-18-2005, 02:55
Originally posted by nyordak17
"Yan ! Yan yung tarantadong sumakay habang nagtutulak tayo..."
aheheheh!!!! ;z dapat kasi kumakain ng kalabasa para di lumabo ang mata. yun tuloy akala mi mumu na nagma-maneho.;b ;)

VICARA
08-18-2005, 13:39
Hello guys, long time I did not visit the forum. Nagkasakit eh, tumaas daw and creatinin level ko. Looks like okay na.

Anyway, here's one I stumbled and modified to sound like Pinoy version:
--------------
A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by San Pedro.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.
Did I really make it to heaven?" to which San Pedro replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."

The woman was very excited, and asked of San Pedro what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," San Pedro replied. "What word?" she asked. “Any word," answered San Pedro. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e."

San Pedro congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
San Pedro reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in San Pedro's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her salbaheng asawa.

"Nong nangyari?" she cried, "Bat andito ka?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, went straight to a massage parlor in Sta Mesa and I was in an accident. And now I am here? did I really make it to Heaven?"

To which the woman replied, "Hindi ah!. You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.

The woman responded, “ILOCHOSLOVAKIA”

Alexii
08-25-2005, 22:49
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one
> morning with a purse
> >full of money. She wanted to open a savings
> >account and insisted on talking to the president of
> the Bank
> >because, she said, she had a lot of money.
> >
> >After many lengthy discussions (after all, the
> client is always
> >right) an employee took the elderly woman to the
> president's
> >office.
> >
> >The president of the Bank asked her how much she
> wanted to deposit. She
> >placed her purse on his desk and replied,
> >"$165,000". The president was curious and asked her
> how she had been able
> >to save so much money. The elderly woman
> >replied that she made bets.
> >
> >The president was surprised and asked, "What kind
> of bets?"
> >
> >The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000
> that your testicles
> >are square."
> >
> >The president started to laugh and told the woman
> that it was
> >impossible to win a bet like that.
> >
> >The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at
> the president and said,
> >"Would you like to take my bet?"
> >
> >"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you
> $25,000 that my
> >testicles are not square."
> >
> >"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the
> amount of money
> >involved, if you don't mind I would like to come
> back at 10 o'clock
> >tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
> >"No problem", said the president of the Bank
> confidently.
> >That night, the president became very nervous about
> the bet
> >and spent a long time in front of the mirror
> examining his
> >testicles, turning them this way and that, checking
> them over
> >again and again until he was positive that no one
> could
> >consider his testicles as square and reassuring
> himself that there was no
> >way he could lose the bet.
> >
> >The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly
> woman
> >arrived at the president's office with her lawyer
> and
> >acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before
> that the
> >president's testicles were square.
> >
> >The president confirmed that the bet was the same
> as the one
> >made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked
> him to
> >drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer
> could see clearly.
> >
> >The president was happy to oblige.
> >
> >The elderly woman came closer so she could see
> better and
> >asked the president if she could touch them. "Of
> course", said the
> >president. "Given the amount of money involved, you
> >should be 100% sure."
> >
> >The elderly woman did so with a little smile.
> Suddenly the
> >president noticed that the lawyer was banging his
> head against
> >the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was
> doing that
> >and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet
> him $100,000 that around
> >10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the
> >balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !"

mikol
08-26-2005, 23:58
Originally posted by Alexii
president noticed that the lawyer was banging his
> head against
> >the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was
> doing that
> >and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet
> him $100,000 that around
> >10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the
> >balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !"
what a bit! ;z

darwin25
08-27-2005, 00:15
Boyfriend to Girlfriend, may LQ:
What do you take me for?! Granted?

Guard, answering the telephone: Hello? Ah yes,
for a while. Please hang yourself.

Starlet in an interview: If the odds are against me,
then I will against them.

Inday Badiday asks a starlet about her mothers
burial:
Inday: Kumusta ang libing ng nanay mo?
Starlet: Successful naman po.

Army officer to cadet: Do you know why I ask you
to stand?
No, sir.
Ok, why? (anlabo!)

Teacher to students: Baka gusto nyong ibilad ko
kayo sa covered courts.


Teacher: Class, I want you to watch sex scenes.
Class: What?! Teacher!
Teacher: Whats wrong? Its a beautiful film starring
Bros Welles! (Bruce Willis)
Class: Aah, Sixth Sense!

Sa isang examination:
Student: Mam, pwedeng gumamit ng liquid paper?
Teacher: Ang kulit naman! Sinabi nang pad paper
lang eh.

A reporter interviews a politician about the
Philippine economy. Politician says: Talagang
mahirap ang buhay natin ngayon.
Pero slow by slow, we will success.

Teacher: Sorry, class. Im late. My mother died
three years ago. And now shes dead. (Ano daw?!)

Heard in a fastfood chain:
Yaya: Mam, gusto po ni Mark ng KIDNEY MEAL!

Teacher: What is ur name?
Student: Dell.
Teacher: What is ur old? (maybe she meant how
old are you?)

In a restaurant:
Waiter: Sir, How do you want your egg?
Customer: Side in, side out.

Mom interviews her daughters suitor:
Mom: Whats your course?
Suitor: Geo po (for geology).
Mom: Ahhh Geo-rnalism. Ok yan. (ok nga!)

Guy to Girl: I love you. This is not a ball. (Hindi
ito bola in English)

Teacher to students: Okay, form two straight
circles and find your height alphabetically!

Teacher to students: Okay class, its time to go
home. Form a line and pass out slowly.

Angry teacher to student: I want you to bring your
father and your mother, especially your parents,
understood?! Bring them tomorrow in front of me,
right here, right now!

Emcee, in a party: The next song is the favorite
song of my best friend, and neither do I!

Posted in an establishment: None ID, nothing
entry.

Teacher: Oy, magdala kayo ng chip ahoy a.
Student: Miss may "s" yon
Teacher: A, sorry. Chip ahoys!

Two lousy-in-english friends talking to each other:
Friend 1: Am I raining outside?
Friend 2: Not yet. Sprinkle only.

In an awards night, presentor goes: And the winner
for Best Comedy Show is Okay Ka, Pare Ko! of IBS
channel 13. (Ever heard of that?)

Alma Moreno, in her show introduces Nora Aunor
who comes in late:
Finally, please welcome, the late Nora Aunor

darwin25
08-29-2005, 02:18
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

On the other hand:

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

and, look how far Ass-kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull**** and Ass-kissing that will put you over the top.;f ;f ;a

mikol
08-29-2005, 02:42
Originally posted by darwin25
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

On the other hand:

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

and, look how far Ass-kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull**** and Ass-kissing that will put you over the top.;f ;f ;a
now i can answer my boss why i can't achieve more than a hundred percent of my job output. and the reason is that i am not a bull****type of person and not an a**kisser also.;z (i might kiss something near that, but it's in case to case bases. ;e ;) )

PMMA97
09-04-2005, 15:27
http://img220.echo.cx/img220/5161/image0019ve.gif

Eye Cutter
09-05-2005, 22:47
The Advantage of being a Chinese

If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corner of your eyes as if you were Chinese.

It works!



http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v483/eyecutter/char.jpg

st. matthew
09-05-2005, 22:56
hehehe:) cool:cool: :cool: ,madali ka rin tumanda pag walang se....hehehe;f ;f
by the way medyo singkit ako kaya bilis kita hehehe;f ;f

mikol
09-05-2005, 22:57
whoaaa!!;P need to have my vacation re-schedule asap. ^3 I don't want to go blind. ;T

Eye Cutter
09-05-2005, 23:26
Subject: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?


The following is supposedly an actual question given on a
University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by
one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with
colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now
have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is
compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in
time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving
into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we
can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not
leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion,
you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look
at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are
added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell
before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I
slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus
I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct, leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of
a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept
shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Vault Keeper
09-06-2005, 00:27
Originally posted by Eye Cutter
Subject: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct, leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of
a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept
shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

;W `l ~rf ^7

Mang Danny
09-06-2005, 07:47
Hell has frozen over since 1994 when the Eagles decided to have a reunion concert. ;)

Eye Cutter
09-07-2005, 17:29
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

VICARA
09-07-2005, 18:45
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.

"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But, I did send them!"

"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.

"Yes. That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

VICARA
09-07-2005, 18:53
Here's another one. Got this from somewhere:
_____________
There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...

A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying,

"We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."

They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."

Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

GMV
09-07-2005, 20:52
> These are from a book called Disorder in the
> American Courts, and are things
> people actually said in court, word for word, taken
> down and now published by
> court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
> while these exchanges were
> actually taking place.
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> ______________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
> WITNESS: July 18th.
> ATTORNEY: What year?
> WITNESS: Every year.
> _____________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
> impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> ______________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
> your memory at all?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your
> memory?
> WITNESS: I forget.
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
> something you forgot?
> _____________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with
> you?
> WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't
> remember which.
> ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
> WITNESS: Forty-five years.
> _____________________________________
>
>
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said
> to you that morning?
> WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan.
> _____________________________________

>
> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
> involved in voodoo?
> WITNESS: We both do.
> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> WITNESS: We do.
> ATTORNEY: You do?
> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> ______________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
> person dies in his sleep,he
> doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ___________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one year old,
> how old is he?
> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
> ________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
> taken?
>
> WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
> ______________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby)
> was August 8th?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Uh....
> ______________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS:
> Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> ______________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death.
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> ______________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> ______________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
> pursuant to a deposition notice
> which I sent to your attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> ______________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have
> you performed on dead people?
> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
> people.
> ______________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
> school did you go to?
> WITNESS: Oral.
> ______________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined
> the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
> why I was doing an autopsy on
> him!
> ______________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
> did you check for a pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
> was alive when you began the
> autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> AT! TORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in
> a jar.
> ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been
> alive, nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
> alive and practicing law.

mikol
09-07-2005, 22:36
Originally posted by Eye Cutter
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
doc_ec, i think the pig just screw his "screw type mojo" to his partner and just wait until it last for about 30mins. ;e ;) ;)

Eye Cutter
09-08-2005, 00:15
this is hilarious

batangueno
09-08-2005, 06:36
Combat for Dummies

Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources.

"Aim towards the enemy." -- Instruction printed on U.S. rocket launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." -- U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." --USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -- Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -- Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -- U.S. Air Force manual

"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo." -- Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." -- U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." -- Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -- David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -- Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." --Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once." -- Anon

"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do." -- Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -- Infantry Journal

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -- USAF Ammo Troop

"Say what you want, but the French are always there when they need us." - AJC Vent

9MX
09-12-2005, 01:52
Never try to outsmart a woman!



There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was
a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his
wife, "When I die. I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with
me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to
promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money
in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in
black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony,
just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait
just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in
the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and then rolled it
away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that
money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a
Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put
that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money
in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did" said the wife.
"I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can
cash it, he can spend it."


Women Are Smarter Than Men
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided
he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman
whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking
up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20
million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became
his stepmother.


Understanding Women (A Man's Perspective)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take
boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.



Words
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men. The husband then turned to his wife and asked,
"What?"



Stupid And Beautiful
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so
beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God
made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would
be attracted to you!"



The Beast
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing
his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in
me." "So what?" his wife shot back. "Who's afraid of a mouse?"


Coffee
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each
morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in
charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job,
and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the
man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So
she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him the top of
several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"

Eye Cutter
10-05-2005, 17:52
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR ?
A: ITS BRAILLE FOR LICK HERE.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: IT IS THE SAME AS A FRENCH KISS, BUT ONLY DOWN UNDER.

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: MELT THEM DOWN, MAKE A TIRE, AND CALL IT A GOODYEAR.

Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: WHEN THEY COME THEY'RE WILD AND WET, BUT WHEN THEY GO,
THEY TAKE YOUR HOUSE AND CAR WITH THEM.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE ANY BALLS TO SCRATCH.

atmarcella
10-06-2005, 00:44
i just discovered this thread...now its my favorite thread...still LOL, tnx guys i needed that;f

VICARA
10-06-2005, 11:42
here's a lawyer joke. modified some characters..
_______________________
A city lawyer went bird hunting in the province. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a bird and it fell in this field, I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Manila and, if you don't let me get that bird, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in the province. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the three-Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The slick attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old ‘probinsiano’. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from his carabao and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work ‘bota’ into the city lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The lawyer was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old filthy ‘paisano’, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the bird."

Kiddo
10-06-2005, 20:50
;z lol

antediluvianist
10-06-2005, 21:14
old joke but here it comes :

What do you call an Australian with one thousand girlfriends? (answer below)














a shepherd

darwin25
10-06-2005, 21:14
Ang aking kaibigan ay mayroon lang mga ilang katanungan na matagal nang bumabagabag sa kanyang araw-araw na pamumuhay. Maaaring ang iba rito ay alam na rin ito ngunit walang makapagbigay ng akmang kasagutan o pagpapaliwanag. Ito ay ang mga sumusunod:

1. Pwede bang uminom ng softdrink kapag coffee break? Pwedeng uminom ng softdrink kung coffebreak ngunit kailangan itong lagyan ng asukal at kopimeyt. Kopimeyt dapat at huwag gatas. (milk in my cereal, kopimeyt in my pepsi. Sounds good to me!)

2. Pwede bang gamitin ang a.m. radio pag gabi na? Maari lamang gamitin ang a.m. radio kapag gabi kung ang iyong_pakikinggan ay f.m.

3. Ang fire exit ba ay labasan ng apoy? Ang fire exit ay ginagamit lamang bilang labasan ng apoy kapag may sunog. Ito ang kanilang daan upang sila'y makatakas o ang tinatawag na "fire escape."

4. Ang uod ba pag namatay ay inuuod din?_Ang tao kapag namatay ay hindi tinatao. Malamang ang uod ay hindi rin inuuod. Kung ang tao ay inuuod kapag nalaguatan ng hininga, siguro ang uod kapag namatay ay tinatao.

5. Totoo bang ang mga manok na pinatay sa Jolibee ay masasaya kaya sila tinawag na Chicken Joy?_ Ang mga manok na pinatay sa Jolibee ay masaya kung kaya't sila'y tinawag na Chicken Joy. Ngunit hindi kinakailangang sa Jolibee patayin ang manok upang maging ito ay maging masaya...ang mga manok ay nagiging masaya kapag sila ay may kasama sa buhay. Kapag ito ay nag-iisa lamang, ito ay hindi Chicken Joy kundi...McChicken Singles. (Ang pinakamasayang manok sa lahat ay iyong 6pc. Chicken McNuggets)

6. Kung ang 7-11 store ay bukas 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week, at 365 days a year, bakit may lock pa ang pinto nila? Bakit? Bakit? Dalawa ang dahilan. Una, may coffee break (tingnan ang katanungan bilang_1 hinggil sa maaaring inumin kapag coffe break) din naman ang mga nagtatrabaho sa 7-11. Pangalawa, mayroon tayong tinatawag na leap year.

7. Bakit di mataas ang highway? Dahil kung mataas ang highway, walang paglalagyan ng skyway.

8. Ba't alang lumilipad na sasakyan sa flyover? Hindi lang natin nakikita ang mga nagliliparang sasakyan sapagkat hindi tayo tumitingala kapag tayo ay nasa flyover. Ang pagsalin ng dayuhang salita na flyover sa katutubong wika ay "fly"-lipad, "over"-sa ibabaw. Ibig sabihin nito na ang mga kotse ay hindi lumilipad sa flyover ngunit sa ibabaw ng flyover. Ngayon kung titingala ka naman kapag ikaw ay nasa flyover ang tangi mong makikita ay ang kisame ng iyong sasakyan.
Sana ay nasagot ko ang iyong mga tanong at kung mayroon pang ibang bagay na bumabagabag sa iyong isipan huwag kang mag-alinlangang magpadala sa akin ng e-mail._ at lagi rin natin sana tandaan ang dayuhang salawikain na "ask a dumb question and you'll get a dumb answer."

darwin25
10-06-2005, 21:19
.

darwin25
10-06-2005, 21:25
.putol yun video