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sniper350
07-25-2005, 12:49
This is a true story I wrote, that I thought some might find interesting......comments are welcomed


“Embracing Darkness”

It was a clear and cold night in 1975, the time about 3:30 AM and the night had been ghostly quiet. Not much foot traffic in this punishing cold weather, so my patrol area was pretty much vacant of human presence. My patrol car marched slowly up and down the dark quiet streets that wound themselves through the lonely apartment complexes.
Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see a large dark figure huddled in the grassy area behind an apartment complex building. The night was moonless and the landscape looked as if it was draped in black velvet. There was not much ambient light to help me identify this curiously dark mass. I let my patrol car drift pass the location so as not to attract the attention of my possible quarry. The night was bitterly cold, temperatures around 10 degrees F.---what possibly could motivate this dark figure to suffer the torments of Winter’s chilling embrace in order to remain motionless behind this building?
Maybe a Rapist, waiting to break in or maybe a burglar looking for the right opportunity? What Evil is this lurking in the darkness? I turn my patrol car around and slowly let it sneak back to our target. Stopping well behind the location where I last saw the dark figure, I exit my car telling dispatch “I will be investigating a suspicious subject” behind the apartment complex on Windsor Rd. I crept quietly towards the corner of the building where I saw the dark huddled mass. I draw my Revolver from its holster and feel the blistering cold biting at the back of my hand. In my other hand I am carrying the Mag Light flashlight that will pour 30,000 candle power onto my target at the push of a button.
I am now in position……and can see this dark figure huddled close to the ground, not moving…. I catch a glance of a small object he is using to sit on. Maybe this terrible cold has taken his life; as I can see no reason for him to be sitting motionless…..in the darkness…..in the cold…….in the silence.
I slowly raise my gun, pointing it at my potential adversary. The flashlight is aimed to greet this figure with a blinding handshake. These words shatter the night’s crisp, clear cold air “ Police – Don’t move” and then……. the darkness turns into day.
There sitting on a small bench is an elderly Blackman with a full beard. Sparkling ice sickles are streaming from his black beard as his breath is frozen instantly by Winter’s freezing touch.
His eyes squint shut from the blinding assault of my flashlight……but a broad warm smile emerges from his face as he says “ Good morning Officer”. His arms slowly extend outward and up towards the clear black sky. And there in front of him was this wonderful MAK Telescope sitting on a short tripod.
Not a burglar after all………just a very dedicated amateur Astronomer. “ Like to see some images of Saturn Officer?” Looking down at my drawn gun, we both laughed and I said “Sure”. I spent the next 15 minutes getting a tour of the sky and seeing some pretty impressive peeks at beautiful Saturn and her Rings. “Well, got to go sir or they will be sending the Calvary out here wondering what has happened to me” “Thanks for the views……I am sorry for messing up your night vision…….take care not to freeze out here”. I climbed back into my patrol car and drove off....…notifying other units not to bother this gentleman…….....braving it all…....…guns and the bitter cold…….....to view the Creations of our Universe!


JF.

spober
09-23-2005, 19:49
NOT BAD!

sniper350
09-24-2005, 18:55
Thank you Spober........my first attempt at a short story, keeping the story to a few paragraphs.


JF.

Fernman
03-21-2006, 11:26
I know I'm reviving an old thread, I hope you guys don't mind.

I like... I really do. The stream of conciousness writing style that brings you to the climax is well contrived, the abbreviated sentence structure makes the reader believe they are going through an officer's mental checklist--that's an important draw.

Critically, I think you push to hard with phrases like "mag light flashlight" and "cold biting etc.", I would suggest more agreeable terms, like dropping flash light: mag light is a pretty basic identifier. Biting cold sounds a little trite to me, but it is your experience, and you are the author.

The only other possibility for improvement I would see is your closing. Expanding this area will bring a more final picture to your story; perhaps mentioning your own mental "cool down" after the first tense confrontation, and a reflection of how t affected you. This of course would also benefit from more imagery of your surroundings in the beginning, such as the buildings structure, composition, outline and horizon. Picture it as a painted composition with words and not oils--you must attract, interest, change, and close. Just my two cents. I really did enjoy reading it, it's heartwarming. :)

sniper350
03-21-2006, 12:04
Fernman,
First, I truly appreciate your review ! Yes I do agree with you that I have some "wordiness" that I should reduce. That is the major challenge , for me, in writting these short stories --keeping the plot moving in as few words as possible, but giving the best detailed visuals that I can.
Still learning the ropes...... I wrote the above story, with only one small revision in about an hour; so taking more time will probably also help me decide when the story is developed enough.

Thanks again for your time....and kind words, that is what we live for -smile-

JF.

Fernman
03-21-2006, 12:35
amen brother. I really do enjoy it. I hope i don't sound pompous in my opinions and such, jsut trying to offer constructive criticism. I really should get back into writing--try to get a few more published :)

Are you a reader? Any authors in particular?

sniper350
03-21-2006, 12:58
I took your advice the way it was meant..."to help"....so don't worry.

I don't seem to have much time for much reading at this time.......and that is a HUGE drawback, when trying to learn the craft of writting. S. King use to reads tons of books to get ideas on "How" to write......it is definitely an art form.

I would be interested in looking at what you have had published -- if you care to share with us?

JF.

Fernman
03-21-2006, 13:27
Only things have been a small book of poetry from highschool called The Question picked up by an educational publisher--i'll try to find the publisher/online copy. Bear in mind that old poetry is kind of embarassing :)

Other than that, I got to ghost write part of a biography of a local Virginian... and I wrote some speeches (that I can't disclose) working for various political campaigns here in VA... that's about it.

I used to write quite a bit... I always wondered if I could publish the next great American novel. maybe.

As far as reading, I would suggest the usual: Hemingway, Heller, Vonnegut, Miller, etc. I love American writers, particularly the modernist/post modernist writers.

sniper350
03-21-2006, 14:02
I like poetry..so see if you can find the reference.

I have taken on the task of writing a book........... and I am afraid I didn't realize the huge undertakening it is to complete such a project on your own. I have spent a year putting together 10 chapters...... and I don't think I am any closer to finishing than when I started ?

I decided to construct the book around 12 SWAT operations [ out of 75 ] that I helped resolve during my carrer in law enforcement. I thought each chapter could be written as a mini - story to keep things simple.
But in the end --- I don't think it worked the way that I expected.

I keep running into criticism....too much violence.....not enough detail ??? Both seem to contradict one another in my mind, so I have put it down for awhile, until I can figure out how to "inform" without terrorizing the reader. I wanted the reader to feel as if they were along with me on each operation -from beginning to end.
Since a lot of operations ended on a sad note, it is hard not to drag the reader down emotionally & have them want to read the next chapter. At least that is how I see it playing now -- as it is written. Always looking for that magic advice -smile-

Tilte of the Book ...... " Police Sniper - Some Recorded Nightmares "

JF.

Fernman
03-21-2006, 14:40
I would read it. You need to remember that your book is going to pick a key demographic based on what you write it for...

If you write to show the general public the personal inflection of a sniper (and i do mean PERSONAL... a good friend is a ARNG sniper...) then maybe shocking is a good thing..because reality ain't pretty.

If you are writing for the general GT type audience (those generally more conservative, more police/military oriented and acceptin), then maybe you want to focus on things suited for them.

Bottom line is, it comes down to what you want to do with your book. What do you wnat them to walk away thinking of? What is going to make them recommend it to a friend because it changed their thinking? Sniping is a very mental career... I can't imagine the impulse and feelings that are associated in what you do (did). You have to be the thin red line between taking anothers life to save others... you must make the reader consider it.

I'm sorry if I've gone off on a tangent, but I find snipers/sniping a terribly interesting topic, and would love to hear more or read what you have. You personal inflection and assessment of situations seem like they would be critical to the story.

sniper350
03-21-2006, 14:53
"Shoot" me an IM with your web address.......and I will send you a chapter of the book to see what you think.


JF.

Fernman
03-21-2006, 15:16
PM sent.

sniper350
03-21-2006, 15:56
E-mail sent....let me know if it works from the address from which I sent it?

JF.

Fernman
03-21-2006, 22:53
email replied...can't wait to see it.