Ladies, what is/was the most profoundly romantic [Archive] - Glock Talk

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DaisyCutter
08-25-2006, 11:22
statement or action that a man has ever extended toward you?

My wife left me a few weeks ago. She married young and the relationship, family & dreams that she fostered at 19-20yo now seem like a prison to her at 25yo...

I know she'll regret this decision later, and I don't want to lose her. She intends to actually file for divorce today. However, I've perceived indications from her recently that make me hope/believe that she's already thinking she's making the wrong decision.

I won't give up on her until it's over. I'm looking for advice on how I may be able to save her now that she's having second thoughts, but still intends to be committed to her plan.

I'd like to hear any ideas that you're willing to share.

EDIT: Consider that she's trying REALLY hard to hate me right now, and I've spent the last few weeks trying to absolutely kill her with kind & supportive words.

SouthernGal
08-25-2006, 11:55
One of the signs of a marriage that is still in good standing is that someone can think back to when they first courted (dated) and those memories are still fresh and are seen in a positive light rather than in a negative one. It's a fact that those who are really unhappy in their relationships will "rewrite" their history so that the memories of the beginning are negative, not positive.

If she has any doubts as to whether she should stay or end this, I suggest she read Mira Kirshbaum's "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". It's the same book that got me off the fence.

The most profound thing my SO has done for me was that he cancelled his plans to come over and take care of my yardwork for me when I was sick with vertigo. I didn't have to even ask him to do it. He never got to do the job because it rained for 3 straight days but the very idea that he'd give up his plans to help me take care of my place was very sweet. :)

DaisyCutter
08-25-2006, 12:29
She did present me with a list of events that had been rewritten.

She she cited the time I freaked out for 48 hours straight when she told me she was 4.5 months pregnant. We weren't married then and I'd just had my first wife leave me two years earlier. So it took me a couple days to come to terms with my new life.


She cited that I was unsure of marrying her. It's true, I just wasn't quite ready yet, and could actually comprehend the weight of the promise I was about to make.


She even cited one time where I "drew-down" on a pizza delivery guy who boxed in my car and tried to pummel me. She wasn't even there, and furthermore, the police that responeded said it was justified. Though, she maintains that having threatened to use a weapon 1-single time makes me a loon.

She had several other examples that were re-rationalized to support her decision.


I'm going to try to get her to read that book prior to doing anything irrepairable. (Will she simply interpret this book the way she wants to and use it against me?)

She won't acknowledge much of anything that I've ever done for her. Just 4 months ago, she got a boob-job, tummy tuck, liposuction, and her arms reduced (she thought they were too flabby). IMO it was extreme for a 24yo, but I consented to $22K in plastic surgery since that's what she wanted more than anything. I used a huge chunk of my annual vacation to assist her while she was bedridden (all the muscles in the tummy get cut and re-attached). I slept on the floor by her for 2-weeks straight. I got her perscriptions and cared for her 100% (ex: emptying/cleaning fluid drip-tube bottles that were attached to her) while she recovered and never said a negative word.

She claimed that what I did was nice, but that should be expected from any husband. fluid drip tubes? cleaning mucus? daily bandage changing? IMO, it's above and beyond a neck rub.

The girl has always gotten whatever she wants... home improvements, cars, swimming pools, horses, plastic surgery, you name it... but now she thinks that she's abused.

If I attempt any kind of rebuttal, she goes ballistic. So I'm limited to effectively just using overwhelming kindness. I can't figure out how she is fueling this hatred.

Glockgirl26
08-25-2006, 12:32
Originally posted by DaisyCutter
She won't acknowledge much of anything that I've ever done for her. Just 4 months ago, she got a boob-job, tummy tuck, liposuction, and her arms reduced (she thought they were too flabby). IMO it was extreme for a 24yo, but I consented to $22K in plastic surgery since that's what she wanted more than anything. I used a huge chunk of my annual vacation to assist her while she was bedridden (all the muscles in the tummy get cut and re-attached). I slept on the floor by her for 2-weeks straight. I got her perscriptions and cared for her 100% (ex: emptying/cleaning fluid drip-tube bottles that were attached to her) while she recovered and never said a negative word.

She claimed that what I did was nice, but that should be expected from any husband. fluid drip tubes? cleaning mucus? daily bandage changing? IMO, it's above and beyond a neck rub.

The girl has always gotten whatever she wants... home improvements, cars, swimming pools, horses, plastic surgery, you name it... but now she thinks that she's abused.

If I attempt any kind of rebuttal, she goes ballistic. So I'm limited to effectively just using overwhelming kindness. I can't figure out how she is fueling this hatred.

Just...wow...:shocked:

DaisyCutter
08-25-2006, 12:55
I'm not kidding.

http://pic16.picturetrail.com/VOL639/2678265/5348258/166530541.jpg

Not once did she ever try to ski or wakeboard behind that boat. It gave her headaches.

Also, note the lack of a wedding ring, it was getting fixed/upgraded when the pic was taken.

We've got a 5yo boy and 2yo girl (cropped out of left side of pic) that are confused and weepy daily. They are the primary reason I'm trying everything I can. I'd be more apt to let her fall on her face if it was just going to be herself she was hurting.

I'm hoping I can snap her out of this fantasy logic.

Her dad says she's just being a spoiled brat and that she needs to "hit the bottom of the well". But I'm afraid that it'll happen 4 years from now when she's living with a deadbeat who's beating up my kids. I can't say that I'd want her back then.

How do I convince her to come home now?

DaisyCutter
08-25-2006, 13:01
I'm not trying to rant, just get her home.

I do love this girl.

Glockgirl26
08-25-2006, 13:10
Originally posted by DaisyCutter
Her dad says she's just being a spoiled brat...

I'd agree wholeheartedly.

Unfortunately I don't know that there's much you can do over and above what you've already done. Most of us can only dream of having a husband who would do that much for us, and she does not appreciate it at all, rather she expects that all this will be handed to her and done for her.

Lil Miss Fiesty
08-25-2006, 13:24
From your description, she does sound like a spoiled brat. I am so sorry for your situation. My background: married highschool boyfriend who was abusive. Left before we had kids (thank God). Remarried now for 8 years, 3 kids, good times & bad times...

My input:
1. She does not value what she has. She has a husband who, despite her every effort to run away, is trying to hold his marriage together.

2. She is willing to damage her children for a temper tantrum. Despite what is not perfect about the marriage (no marriage is perfect) unless there is physical abuse, mental torture or significant addiction, the best life is with a married mom & dad. She obviously doesn't care.

Side note on above: during the rocky parts of marriage, I've looked at my husband and thought, "I may not be able to stand living with you right now, but I sure as hell couldn't stand to share custody".

3. She probably already has a new love...again just based on what you've shared. To turn tail and slam the door on your life, she's got something that she thinks is better. Hire a private detective and catch her at it, then get custody. Kids who live with shack-up boyfriends are at VERY high risk of sexual abuse. Don't let your babies be in that situation.

4. You can't convince somebody to do the right thing when they've already decided they don't care. When you care about someone, you don't try to destroy their world. She is destroying yours.

I truly feel for you. Breaking a family apart is awful, and you are having to pick up the pieces for yourself and your kids. Do everything you can to protect yourself and your kids. You can attempt to hold things together at the same time, but don't get screwed over.


Also, prayers sent for you & your kids:angel:

SouthernGal
08-25-2006, 13:31
Originally posted by Glockgirl26
I'd agree wholeheartedly.

Unfortunately I don't know that there's much you can do over and above what you've already done. Most of us can only dream of having a husband who would do that much for us, and she does not appreciate it at all, rather she expects that all this will be handed to her and done for her.

+1. All the stuff she had done is a little extreme at that age. I realize that having it done is a personal decision but I don't know of very many women her age who've had that much done. And so far as you taking care of her, changing bandages and all, that was above and beyond the call of duty.

Sounds like she married young and now has come to expect a man to take care of her & provide for her every whim regardless of whether or not it was within your means to do so (high maintenance woman). Does she work? Has she ever? Did she go to college? I have a rude awakening for her if she thinks the "real world" is all sugar and spice and if she thinks she's not going to have to work her can off to keep a roof over her head and clothes on her back. I learned the hard way after my divorce about all the things I didn't know how to do.

The book will ask a series of questions that can be answered either "yes" or "no". You can see a few sample pages for it on Amazon. When I read it, I also provided my X with a copy of it to read and he refused--which is to me a sign that he didn't care enough about me to try and save the marriage to begin with. It leads the reader to making their own decision.

You're a hell of a guy for wanting to keep your marriage intact, but you will never be able to change her mind if her mind is already made up. Just remember that you can't change her--only she can choose to do that and make the effort to do so.

DaisyCutter
08-25-2006, 13:37
To her credit, she works very hard and makes decent money.

Though, she doesn't yet realize that $17/hr isn't going to buy her a cheap $150K house (this is AZ) and make a car payment... let alone everything else she likes.

Glockgirl26
08-25-2006, 13:44
Originally posted by DaisyCutter
To her credit, she works very hard and makes decent money.

Though, she doesn't yet realize that $17/hr isn't going to buy her a cheap $150K house (this is AZ) and make a car payment... let alone everything else she likes.

No it's not. That's just about what I make, and it's certainly not going to pay for a mortgage that size along with a car payment and $22K in cosmetic surgery.

DaisyCutter
08-25-2006, 13:45
Originally posted by Lil Miss Fiesty



Also, prayers sent for you & your kids:angel:

Thanks for the advice and the prayers.

I came to the same conclusions you did (I've had some time to think). Sharing custody is making my stomach real sour already. I'm 6'2" and dropped from 191 lbs to 172 lbs after the first 10 days of separation. That was 10% of my body mass, and I was already pretty skinny.

I told her I could forgive ANYTHING and would hold her blameless if she came home. Pretty much any alternative is favorable to sharing custody and not EVER having Christmas or Disneyland as a family.

I'm still hoping I can find some special phrase or idea to remedy this.

SouthernGal
08-25-2006, 14:02
Originally posted by DaisyCutter
To her credit, she works very hard and makes decent money.

Though, she doesn't yet realize that $17/hr isn't going to buy her a cheap $150K house (this is AZ) and make a car payment... let alone everything else she likes.

I'm making a lot more than she is and I have had to learn how to budget and maintain control over my money while still investing toward my future. She doesn't realize she's going to have to give up some of her current "comforts" if she decides to go through with this. It will be painful but I don't think she sees that yet, all she sees is the picture she's painted in her own mind.

DC, get ready for even more weight loss. It happened to me and I don't doubt that it will happen to you. My entire life changed as a result of my divorce three years ago. In a lot of ways I was finally free but in a lot of ways I had to find something inside myself to keep me going each and every day.

I hope you have family and friends to support you. Best wishes.

SG

Glockgirl26
08-25-2006, 14:06
Originally posted by DaisyCutter
I'm still hoping I can find some special phrase or idea to remedy this.

I don't believe there is one. That would be akin to waving a magic wand. Though I hope that for your sake and your children's sakes, that you are able to find some peace with the situation...somehow.

Take care of yourself. For those kids.

Lil Miss Fiesty
08-25-2006, 14:34
Originally posted by DaisyCutter

I'm still hoping I can find some special phrase or idea to remedy this.

You've already said it by your actions.

You've symbolically stood in front of her and said, "I love you. I am your husband, you are my wife...the mother of my children. We are a family, we've made this family...I'll do anything to keep it together."

It isn't a matter of what magic words you haven't said. It's that she's not listening, for whatever reason.

DaisyCutter
08-25-2006, 14:56
I have close friends, but they're all married. I call 'em sometimes and they are great... but there's only so much I'm gonna subject them to.

What freaks me out is that I've only ever been on 2 second dates in my entire life (and only a handful of first dates). I met my wife when I was 20yo. I was truly happy and confident when I was married. I liked the structure and predictability and safety (healthwise) of being married. I've been told by several people that it's common for late 20's women to have had upwords of 20 partners. I know I can move on and take care of myself just fine. But it's NOT an idea I'm looking forward to.

Additionally, a close (platonic) female friend has been asking me randomly to point out women that I'd consider approaching (If I were ready). It's a fun game and gives us something light to talk about. She claims that without fail, I choose women that'll be identical to my current wife 100% of the time. I can't see it myself, so that really freaks me out.

Between the promiscuity of my age group and my admittedly poor judgement, it's pretty freakin scary.

I've gotta try to divert this train-wreck before wifey actually gets the pen in-hand. I'll be back later tonight.

Mrs. VR
08-25-2006, 15:15
I wish I had some words of wisdom to add, but all I have to offer is my sincere hope that it all works out for you and your family :angel:

kcb
08-25-2006, 15:41
Daisy Cutter,

I am very sorry that you are having problems and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

But as I've looked at this thread, your avatar became more and more familiar to me.

I went back and checked my facts. You posted in a thread about why women leave their husbands or vice versa, back in June. Your comments regarding women were very negative, at that time.

I do hope that you were only "talking big" that night. I know that we all say things that we don't really mean, and wish we could take them back. But perhaps this is a red flag for some of the issues
your wife would like to discuss with you.

It would appear you are opening your eyes and changing your heart in this thread.

I can tell you, I've been happily married to my husband for 27 years.
If he chose to "establish his dominance over me" in the manner you described in your post...THIS southern lady, would also be walking
out that door!

I do support my husband as head of our home. He gains that role through his respect and love of God. He earns it further by his great love for me. The Bible gives men that believe they are to be the head of their home much better answers. It gives much better guidelines than the one of which you spoke in your June post.

Just some food for thought.

Good luck in your endeavours to salvage your marriage and your family. I do mean this with the best of intentions.

:angel:

DaisyCutter
08-25-2006, 17:51
Well that was a bust. She's gone and done it. Now I just gotta convince her I'm being helpful while dragging my feet.

Also KCB,

THIS POST (http://www.glocktalk.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=558393) occurred just after my wife's older sister got new boobs, a divorce, a boyfriend, and a european cruise financed by her ex. At that point I it dawned on me that I may be here, now... and was upset.

THIS (http://www.glocktalk.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=552887&perpage=25&highlight=&pagenumber=3) was meant as a gag. One poster responded with:

OMG that's the best laugh I've had in weeks!

/crying even
That was the desired effect. That post reeked of juvenile sarcasm. I really was laying it on as thick as possible. My "phraseology" generally indicates pretty well whether I'm serious or kidding.

Generally I'm here for entertainment, but not now.

Thanks again for the prayers. :supergrin:

kcb
08-25-2006, 20:09
You didn't have to answer any of that. It was just an impression that was strongly left. I didn't even see the first one; only the second. (That was quite unforgettable. I had read it to my husband back in June; and he remembered it well, also. He wanted me to post here regarding the above mentioned post; so, it was due to his prompting that I did finally post here after watching this thread for a while.)

Prayers will always be there...and good luck!

:cool: