Rangifer Tarandus Trickimus [Archive] - Glock Talk

PDA

View Full Version : Rangifer Tarandus Trickimus


waltlb
12-12-2006, 17:46
The surest foretokening of Christmas has arrived: the first showing this season of the 1964 Bass/Rankin stop-animation classic, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. You know, the one about the misfit, cerise-schnozzed ungulate who teams up with Hermey, the bucally ambitious elf, and Yukon Cornelius, a not-too-bright prospector, to save Christmas.

We’ve all seen it a thousand times. And heard the song, recorded in 1949 by Gene Autry, even more. That tinkling melody, the herky-jerky kinetics of the figures – somehow they’re invested with the beginning of the Joyous Season. The anticipation, the naked greed, the no-reason smiles to strangers.

But why would we feel this way about that song/story? After all, it starts out with an ostracized, troubled-loner reindeer, who, because of a nasally phosphoric anomaly, is shunned by other junior deer, and even by his parents. As I recall, um, lessee . . . dum de dum, te dum . . . “they never let poor Rudolph/ join in any reindeer games”.

Yes, and just what kind of “games” are these other rotten bastard reindeer up to, anyway?

Maybe it’s something like this:

1. Dipping their feet in paint, prancing out an abstract painting, ballyhooing it as “hoof arted,” then waiting to see if Santa will catch on.

2. Trying to spy on Santa and Mrs. Claus “doing it.”

3. Thinking up cruel jokes about the elves’ mandatory “gay apparel.”

4. Dollar-a-guess lottery about the size of Burl Ives’ butt.

5. Informing the FBI on who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.

6. Starting rumor that Santa’s nose is redder than Rudolph’s because of a long-term fondness for egg nog.

7. Painting their snoots different primary hues and threatening to call the ACLU if Rudolph gets to lead the sleigh again this year.

8. Slipping unwanted ads for ***** enlargement and hair-restorer into presents, pre-delivery.

9. Fomenting union agitation among elves.

10. Petition for “regular guy” first names – Jim, Ned, Bob, etc.*

11. Word of mouth campaign that caribou (hated rivals) “tastes just like
chicken”.

12. Santa’s own “reindeer game,” played when he wants to thin the herd
- “hides-and-go-seek”.

Anyone know any others?




* I’m aware of the argument that all of Santa’s reindeer are female, because male reindeer shed their antlers before December, and female reindeer don’t – and traditional depictions of those sleigh-pullers show them with horns. But I’m talking fantasy here, for pete’s sake. Lighten up, already.

waltlb
12-14-2006, 10:18
Dern.

I haven't even been a GT member a week, and I've already run afoul of the listserv's "no obscenity" filters. Something about using a word for the male courting tackle that starts with "p". No, not THAT one. The one the doctor uses when he warns you about zipping up too fast.

I guess I oughta be glad my name isn't Johnson, and posting about my beloved pet peccary.

Worst than that, probably, is the fact I'm posting a reply to my own post. Double fault. Hope after all this I'm still . . . um, a member.