Ladies, this guy needs your female perspective [Archive] - Glock Talk

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Norman
12-15-2006, 22:05
I've begun talking with this woman. We've not met in person, but we have seen each others picture(s). We have talked over the internet and on the phone a few times.

She has many of the same views as I do, she's a conservative, and I was initially impressed by the way she carries herself, her level of self-respect, etc, at least that which I can gather from our online conversations. My impression of her through our online messages was that she was old school in a sense - she didn't move fast, and I like that. I may not perhaps like it in the short-run as a card-carrying male, but I feel in the long-run for me it communicates and cements a greater level of trust, respect, etc.

Here's where my problem lies... At first she was holding back with me through our messages. Now she is dying to talk on the phone and know more about me, and date in the sense of going out together and spending time one on one. However, in her earlier messages she stated that she ONLY wants to date right now, because she just got out of a 4 year relationship. In other words, nothing with plans of a monogamous relationship. She wants to date other guys too, and she is - which to me, doesn't seem old school, but new school. I'm on the fence about how I truly feel, and if I should tell her how I truly feel, regarding her dating other guys while she dates me. She called me earlier and told me she was having a guy over tonight to watch a movie, and that she'd like to call me afterwards so we could talk some.

I personally could not see myself dating a number of women. I just, in a way, don't think it's right. It wouldn't be fair to each woman individually. Especially if they wanted something more than just dating. And another thing I have to admit... I'm not good at dating for the sake of dating. What I mean is, if I'm going to spend my time, heart, and energy on someone, it's going to be for something more. And it's going to be one at a time.

What's the right stance here with this woman? Do I tell her I feel it's alright for her to date and hope I come out on top like a Lending Tree loan? Or do I hold my ground, tell her good things require some sacrifice and compromise, and see if she decides to walk away?


Thank you kindly.

BabyTaz
12-16-2006, 00:35
You might tell her you would like to meet, but let her know YOUR feelings on dating. If you are talking about "going out for coffee and maybe a movie" kind of thing, it doesn't hurt to at least meet, a new friend may be the result, not a "relationship". If she is looking for "more" and with multiple guys, you might want to cut it short NOW!

SlimKim
12-16-2006, 05:25
I don't know who "BabyTaz" is but think that he/she/it is right on target.

I am around 30 years old, have never been married, dream of finding the right guy and, am VERY suspicious of men. When I meet a new man I hold my cards close to my chest and try to leave myself an escape route. Maybe that is what she is doing.

As a woman I can tell you; a man will say and do ANYTHING to "conquer" that woman and then move on to greener fields once he has used her up. Perhaps that is what she may be thinking.

If I were "dying to talk" with a man, I would also be making it clear that I was not desperate and that I had other options. Now, that may be true or it may be an "escape route" but, as a man; I think you should meet a woman who has your core views and see what happens. As BabyTaz said, you should make it clear that you are not willing to share your "main squeeze" with another guy (though I doubt she would continue dating once she found the right man) while making her understand that you have no interest in other women once you have found Miss Right. It all comes down to the biological fact that women TEND to seek one man while men TEND to spread their oats among as many women as possible. This biological fact makes us extremely suspicious of men and causes us to build barriers/escape routes. It's your job, as the man, to convince the woman that you are the ONE man who wants ONE woman.

Now while you are explaining your point of view, if you were to meet her for a "dinner and a show" and then finish the evening by forbidding her from seeing other men, I think you'ld be shooting yourself in the foot. She doesn't know you, probably has had one or more bad experiences with men and their possessive natures and the last thing she needs is a man who she has just met giving her orders. Keep in mind that women lie in self defense just as men lie in the pursuit of p***y. I belive that so long as you make your position clear without giving her orders is the best way to go. If she can't handle it then it's time to find someone else. If she can respect it then, perhaps, you both have a chance.

Norman, I don't know you but, from your posting you sound like a good man; the kind of man we dream of. I only suggest that you make your position clear and allow her time to make up her own mind in her own time.

Mrs. VR
12-16-2006, 07:29
Norman, FWIW...when I first started dating Jay, I had just come out of a BAD 3 1/2 year relationship, and I wanted to "just date" for awhile. Jay came right out and told me that he wasn't comfortable with that. I gave it some thought and decided I at least owed him a shot, and if it didnt work out, I could go right back to dating...well, that was just about 15 years ago.

If you are absolutely opposed to the idea, I think you owe it to yourself to let her know (not in a "I'm putting my foot down" way), and see where it goes. Good luck!


Oh, and SlimKim, Baby Taz is a she. :)

Atlantya
12-17-2006, 12:40
Norman, you might want to be a little bit careful on this one, because it sounds to me like she's playing some games. Not in my wildest dreams would I call some guy I was "thinking" of dating to tell him that I had a date with another guy but that I wanted to talk with him after the date with the other guy. That's just playing a game and it's not being honest.

You might want to do yourself a favor and withhold any further judgment about whether you want to get involved with this woman until you actually meet in person and go on a few dates with her. In-person meetings tell you way more than emails and phone calls.

Norman
12-17-2006, 12:44
Thanks for the replies thus far.

Yes, I have to admit I was a little unimpressed with that phone conversation.

Marauder.45
12-17-2006, 13:01
<--------not a girl,

But one of my good friends just turned 50 and is back in the dating world.

So here is my .02 from a younger male perspective.


Too many times people put too much into it too early. Dating does not = marriage. You have to test drive the car to form a real decision. You can like the looks, price and everything else, but until you drive it. You don't even know if you really like it or not. TEST DRIVE MEANS DATE, TALK, FIND OUT ABOUT EACH OTHER, THEN YES IT MEANS SEX TOO. Not sex first, but sex is a part.

I'm reading my post and I want to make it clear that the point is not to try to get into pants. DATING IS A TOOL designed to help you find people you are compatible with. For any negotiation, you don't normally set conditions before negotiation starts. That is usually a deal breaker.

Relax a little, don't commit yourself either. You may meet ftf and you'll need a rescue cell call from a buddy to save you.

Go meet for coffee or something. See how that goes. If it goes well, go on a little more intimate DATE. Talk about the kind of person you are, and what you look for, loosely. DO NOT ASK THEM TO CONFORM TO THAT YET. You are only on a date. Words on a screen and over a phone won't show the body language that may say the girl is into you and wouldn't dream of seeing someone else. The night I met my wife, I called the 4-5 numbers of floating girls and told them to never call me again. I hadn't even been on a date, but I felt it. Good thing my gamble paid off. Imagine how bad that would have gone if we didn't hit it off.

The next step after DATING is GOING OUT. When you agree to go out, you agree to be monogomous. That is when you talk about expectations and deal breakers. The couple of today must be able to discuss what is and is not acceptable. Inluding protection for sex. Wifey and I didn't have unprotected sex until after 6 months and we had both been screened. It's the mature thing to do.

Don't put too much in too soon, let it unfold naturally. Don't force it.

Marauder.45
12-17-2006, 17:55
Did I offend?

Atlantya
12-17-2006, 18:30
Offend? No, I doubt it. At least not me. I think you had good points.

Dating - the ultimate blood sport.

mrwiggins
12-17-2006, 18:35
to get neckid on webcam!!! thats my favorite thing to do with chicks on the net :)

kidding! just be careful, call her, don't make her call you. i don't think i'd give an address or anything, just get more info on her.

Norman
12-17-2006, 18:48
Originally posted by Marauder.45
Did I offend?

Not at all, I just think you don't fully understand my position. I've talked with a few GT women about this via PM. They get it, which is why I posted this in Women's Issues. Because I knew they would.

I appreciate your attempt to help.

Marauder.45
12-17-2006, 19:32
Maybe I missed something in your description at the beginning.

I assure you, that a woman's persepective is useful, but you don't play for that team. And there are some differences in view that may be useful to you. You can't date like a woman.

I'm not saying that my word is gospel, far from it. When I dated, I read Cosmo and whatever else I thought would be helpful. Not to exploit, but the male and female are vastly different animals. Insight is useful, but like I said. Different animals. I'll use another analogy. If you are a lion. You can't learn to hunt from a zebra. They can tell you about the how, but they miss the part that's instinct and inside. Helpful, but not complete.



I'd like the rest of the info PM'd as well. I can assure you I want to help. No hidden motive.

Dating is an art, AND A SKILL. It's perfected with practice, and mistakes. The more dates, the easier to practice, the less mistakes. It sounds cold I guess, but it's the truth.

Dating is not evil or nasty, just a tool to feel people out. I tell my friend to not get too caught up UNTIL a few dates and you know the person is someone you are interested in. Not just lusting for from a look or a quick chat. Being versed in dating technique should not be looked at as negative, or underhanded. A person on the inside dictates the motive, just like the Jedi, you can use it for good or for evil. Far too many of our brothers turn to the dark side and exploit the skill. Skill none the less.


I'm married. I miss dating because I was good at it(skill, not chance, but shouldn't change your internal feelings for the girl). I love my wife very much, and wouldn't trade her and the kids for anything. But I still like to live vicariously through my friends. 10 years as a single bachelor on his own has given me lots of reps for interaction with the other gender. Some good, some bad.

Take it for what it's worth. About .02. If you don't want to share, I understand. You don't know me from Adam. But I'd be happy to share what I interpret and think.

Mrs. VR
12-17-2006, 20:31
Norman, I'd love to see an update. Keeping my fingers crossed. :hugs:

SouthernGal
12-18-2006, 15:26
Originally posted by Norman
I've begun talking with this woman. We've not met in person, but we have seen each others picture(s). We have talked over the internet and on the phone a few times.

She has many of the same views as I do, she's a conservative, and I was initially impressed by the way she carries herself, her level of self-respect, etc, at least that which I can gather from our online conversations. My impression of her through our online messages was that she was old school in a sense - she didn't move fast, and I like that. I may not perhaps like it in the short-run as a card-carrying male, but I feel in the long-run for me it communicates and cements a greater level of trust, respect, etc.

Here's where my problem lies... At first she was holding back with me through our messages. Now she is dying to talk on the phone and know more about me, and date in the sense of going out together and spending time one on one. However, in her earlier messages she stated that she ONLY wants to date right now, because she just got out of a 4 year relationship. In other words, nothing with plans of a monogamous relationship. She wants to date other guys too, and she is - which to me, doesn't seem old school, but new school. I'm on the fence about how I truly feel, and if I should tell her how I truly feel, regarding her dating other guys while she dates me. She called me earlier and told me she was having a guy over tonight to watch a movie, and that she'd like to call me afterwards so we could talk some.

I personally could not see myself dating a number of women. I just, in a way, don't think it's right. It wouldn't be fair to each woman individually. Especially if they wanted something more than just dating. And another thing I have to admit... I'm not good at dating for the sake of dating. What I mean is, if I'm going to spend my time, heart, and energy on someone, it's going to be for something more. And it's going to be one at a time.

What's the right stance here with this woman? Do I tell her I feel it's alright for her to date and hope I come out on top like a Lending Tree loan? Or do I hold my ground, tell her good things require some sacrifice and compromise, and see if she decides to walk away?


Thank you kindly.

It's the age old problem with dating--you're afraid to put all your eggs in one basket for all the right reasons.

Immediately after my divorce (and immediately before I married) I dated as many men as possible. I knew most of them were probably doing the same and lying about it. It seemed the more trouble dating more than one guy at once caused me, the more turned on others seemed by it. I used to liken this to the old addage "when it rains, it pours."

Likewise, when everyone gets pissed off about finding out about one another, the phone quits ringing and NO damn body calls. That sucks equally bad.

I'm happy to hit a happy medium. I'm only seeing one guy now, but that could change at any time given the right set of circumstances. I've already been burned really badly once before (my divorce) and I'll put any of them in the road if they choose to cheat. And I am not a good forgiver either. If you cheat, don't bother coming back.

I feel your pain dude. Really.

tous
12-19-2006, 07:41
Originally posted by Mrs. VR
Norman, FWIW...when I first started dating Jay, I had just come out of a BAD 3 1/2 year relationship, and I wanted to "just date" for awhile. Jay came right out and told me that he wasn't comfortable with that. I gave it some thought and decided I at least owed him a shot, and if it didnt work out, I could go right back to dating...well, that was just about 15 years ago.

If you are absolutely opposed to the idea, I think you owe it to yourself to let her know (not in a "I'm putting my foot down" way), and see where it goes. Good luck!


Oh, and SlimKim, Baby Taz is a she. :)

You shot Jay and he still married you? :shocked:

GlockTrog
12-19-2006, 14:27
Originally posted by Norman
I've begun talking with this woman. We've not met in person, but we have seen each others picture(s). We have talked over the internet and on the phone a few times.

She has many of the same views as I do, she's a conservative, and I was initially impressed by the way she carries herself, her level of self-respect, etc, at least that which I can gather from our online conversations. My impression of her through our online messages was that she was old school in a sense - she didn't move fast, and I like that. I may not perhaps like it in the short-run as a card-carrying male, but I feel in the long-run for me it communicates and cements a greater level of trust, respect, etc.

Here's where my problem lies... At first she was holding back with me through our messages. Now she is dying to talk on the phone and know more about me, and date in the sense of going out together and spending time one on one. However, in her earlier messages she stated that she ONLY wants to date right now, because she just got out of a 4 year relationship. In other words, nothing with plans of a monogamous relationship. She wants to date other guys too, and she is - which to me, doesn't seem old school, but new school. I'm on the fence about how I truly feel, and if I should tell her how I truly feel, regarding her dating other guys while she dates me. She called me earlier and told me she was having a guy over tonight to watch a movie, and that she'd like to call me afterwards so we could talk some.

I personally could not see myself dating a number of women. I just, in a way, don't think it's right. It wouldn't be fair to each woman individually. Especially if they wanted something more than just dating. And another thing I have to admit... I'm not good at dating for the sake of dating. What I mean is, if I'm going to spend my time, heart, and energy on someone, it's going to be for something more. And it's going to be one at a time.

What's the right stance here with this woman? Do I tell her I feel it's alright for her to date and hope I come out on top like a Lending Tree loan? Or do I hold my ground, tell her good things require some sacrifice and compromise, and see if she decides to walk away?


Thank you kindly.

I'm male, so you weren't asking for my advice but here it is anyway! Do what most of the others have recommended. Look at dating as another step to learn who she is. If, after a couple of dates you decide that you really like her, bring up the issue of being exclusive.

The one thing that sends bells off for me is that she wanted to call you after her other date. This says one of two things to me. 1) she is freaky so stay away. 2) she views you as just a friend - not nessecarily a bad thing. Good relationships often start from friendships, of course, they sometimes just stay as friendships too.

Anyway hope that helps

Mrs. VR
12-19-2006, 17:39
Originally posted by tous
You shot Jay and he still married you? :shocked: punched him once too! :animlol:


We've missed you in these women's parts! Uh, that didn't sound right, but you know what I mean! :tease: :hugs:

Marauder.45
12-19-2006, 18:09
Originally posted by Mrs. VR
punched him once too! :animlol:





First time I met my wifey, she slapped me in the face. Love at first sight.

Marauder.45
12-19-2006, 18:14
double aaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!!

tous
12-20-2006, 06:14
Originally posted by Mrs. VR
punched him once too! :animlol:


We've missed you in these women's parts! Uh, that didn't sound right, but you know what I mean! :tease: :hugs:

Can I be an honorary wimmins? Does the initiation involve punching or shooting Jay?

:breastfed: :cheerleader: :courtsie: :picard: :sharon: :supergrin:

Mrs. VR
12-20-2006, 17:01
in all fairness...I was pregnant...and asleep! :rofl:

Two-Gun Mary
12-20-2006, 17:08
<---------not a woman, in spite of the tag.....but my #1 (spouse) and #2 best friends are incredible women, so I'm a work in progress under their tutelage.

Originally posted by Norman
I've begun talking with this woman. We've not met in person, but we have seen each others picture(s). We have talked over the internet and on the phone a few times.


Norman, I think you're trying to get too far ahead of yourself. You haven't even MET the woman in person but you're already trying to figure out how to get her to commit exclusively to you.

Meet her for coffee, for heaven's sake, and at least get a first-hand impression of her before trying for exclusivity.

If I were in the dating game (only if my #2 best friend wouldn't marry me), I'd WANT to meet any new woman in a very informal setting for a getting-to-know-you conversation before even having a "real" date.