View Full Version : Classic HIRITs
1) Kumain ka ba ng asukal? Ang tamis kasi ng ngiti mo.
2) I'm a bee. Can you be my honey?
3) May lahi ka bang keyboard? Type kasi kita.
4) Papupulis kita! Ninakaw mo kasi ang puso ko.
5) Are you a dictionary? You add meaning to my life.
6) I lost my number. Can I have yours?
7) I forgot your name. Can I call you mine?
8) Ice ka ba? Crush kasi kita. Okay lang?
9) Suswertihin ka sa pag-ibig ngayong taon.. kapag naging akin ka.
10) Meralco ka ba? Pag ngumiti ka kasi may spark.
11) Crayola ka ba? Kasi nagbibigay ka ng kulay sa buhay ko.
12) EDSA ka ba? Di kasi ako makapag-move on.
13) Bangin ka ba? Nahulog kasi ako sa'yo.
14) May butas ba yang puso mo? Na-trap kasi ako and I can't find my way out.
15) Miss, alam mo ba? Hindi tayo tao, hindi tayo hayop, at hindi rin tayo halaman. Bagay tayo, bagay.
16) Kalamay ka ba? Ang lagkit kasi ng tingin mo.
Ang grand finale:
17) Si George Estregan ka ba? May halong laway ang mga halik mo.
hwehehehehe! Style mo Bulok!!! :thumbsup: :animlol:
Originally posted by Eye Cutter
hwehehehehe! Style mo Bulok!!! :thumbsup: :animlol:
Kaya siguro madalas akong basted noong araw.... nyahahaha
BRo Arpee, are you in love????:upeyes: :supergrin:
Actually, ibibigay ko sana itong mga hirit sa anak kong lalaki na teenager at baka magamit nya, kaya lang nag-dalawang isip ako at baka panay basted din siya.... nyahahaha (pati tawa ko walang originality )
Have you ever wondered that maybe you drink too much coffee? Well, here's an interesting item we found on the Internet that might help you decide:
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You answer the door before people'knock.
- You ski uphill.
- You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You grind coffee beans in your mouth.
- You sleep with your eyes open.
- You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
- The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
- You can take a picture of yourself from 10 ft away without using the timer.
- You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse, and you don't even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
- You can type 60 words per minute... with your feet.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You walk 20 miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- People can test their batteries in your ears.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says, "How are you?" you say, "Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
- Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't tan, you roast.
- You don't get mad, you get steamed.
- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail.
- You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
- Your coffee mug is insured.
- You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
- Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an IV hookup.
- You've melted away your fillings.
- Your face is on a Colombian postage stamp.
- You can play Ping-Pong without a partner.
- Your blood type is almond espresso.
- You made provisions in your will for your coffee supply.
- You use coffee flavored mouthwash.
- You constantly speak like an auctioneer.
- You have coffee stains on your fingers.
- You had to remove your car stereo to make room for your CUP holder.
- You carry a spare mug in your trunk.
- Without you, the U.S. would not be the world's leading coffee consumer.
- When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
- Your eyes are brown ... even the white parts
- You begin to think that De-Caf means without milk.
IS YOUR COMPUTER MALE OR FEMALE ?
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (eg.'steady as she goes'). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all male) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
12 REASONS TO BELIEVE COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
No one but the Creator understands their internal logic
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
The message 'BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME' is about as informative as 'If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you!'
Even the simplest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. Picky, picky, picky!
They hear what you say, but not what you mean
Beauty is only shell deep
Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
They make you take the garbage out.
Miss a period and they go wild!
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
12 REASONS TO BELIEVE COMPUTERS ARE Male
They have a lot of data, but are still clueless
They are suppose to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on
They look nice and shiny until you get them home
It's always necessary to have a back-up
They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons
The best part of having one is the games you can play
The lights are on, but no one's home
Size doesn't matter
A better model is always just around the corner
Big power surges knock them out for the night!
TOP 16 WAYS TO TELL IF A REDNECK IS WORKING AT A COMPUTER IN YOUR OFFICE
The mouse is referred to as a 'critter'
The keyboard is camouflaged
There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive
The password is 'Bubba'
The numeric pad only goes up to 6
'WINDERS 95 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it
Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them
The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast
The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them
The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options
The monitor is up on blocks
Seven blue tick hounds under the desk
Deer Jerky in desk drawer
The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background
The six front keys have rotted out
John Deere pocket protectors
WORDPERFECT HELP LINE
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Help Line. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired. However, he/she is/was allegedly suing the WordPerfect Organization for 'termination without cause'...
'Computer assistance, may I help you?'
'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect'
'What sort of trouble?'
'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away'
'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
'It's blank, it won't accept anything when I type'
'Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?'
'How do I tell?'
'Can you see the C: prompt?'
'What's a see-prompt?'
'Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?'
'There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type'
'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
'What's a monitor?'
'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a T.V. Does it have a light that tells you when it's on?'
'I don't know'
'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?'
'Yes, I think so'
'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged in to the wall'
'...Yes, it is'
'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?'
'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable'
'...OK, here it is'
'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely in to the back of your computer'
'I can't reach'
'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?'
'Even if maybe you put your knee on something and lean way over?'
'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle... it's because it's dark'
'Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window'
'Well, turn on the office light then'
'No? Why not?'
'Because there's a power outage'
'A power... a power outage? Aha, OK, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?'
'Well, yes, I keep it in the closet'
'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from'
'Really? Is it that bad?'
'Yes, I'm afraid it is'
'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!'
GUNS & MILITARY HUMOR
TRUE STORY: CARJACKING FOILED:
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required.... so get out of the car. The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat. Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four/five spaces further down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a car- jacking by a mad elderly white women. No charges were filed.
REASONS WHY A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:
You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
You can trade a .44 for two .22's.
You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.
If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.
Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.
A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
Handguns function normally every day of the month.
A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"
A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it.
You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.
CLASSIFIED MILITARY INTELLIGENCE:
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
4. The easy way is always mined.
5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
- When you're ready for them.
- When you're not ready for them.
8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
15. When in doubt empty the magazine.
16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.
18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
21. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
23. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
This transcript is reported to be an actual radio transmission between a U.S. naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in Oct. 1995:
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees North, that's one-five degrees North or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
THE HARMONICA PLAYER
A soldier stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books. Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and through the front door.
"Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you...let me hold you! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much!"
The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."
A couple of A-10's are escorting a C-130 Hercules and their pilots were chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk fell on the subject of relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding their planes were better because of their maneuverability, weaponry and the like.
The C-130 pilot replied "Yeah? Well I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about."
Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate.
"Just watch," he tells them.
The C-130 continues to fly straight and level, and after several minutes the Herk pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?"
Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"
He replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back an took a leak."
Q & A:
Q. How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q. What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Q. What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
Sargeant to a soldier: Shut up when you are talking to me!
AT THE PARTY
A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex. "1956," was his immediate reply.
"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed "Honey, you need to get out more"
"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It's only 2014 now."
THE CRUFFLER TEST
('Cruffler' is short for a gun collector with a C&R FFL licence.)
Answer the following questions to the best of your knowledge to determine if you are an Echtcruffler (real cruffler). A scoring guide may be found at the end of the examination. Good luck.
YES or NO:
You purchase guns in multiples of three or four
Your carry weapons are more than fifty years old
Your family car has tracks and a turret
You have named some of your children & family pets after Browning, Maxim, Krupp
You have six or more credit cards, and all but one is maxed-out
Your wife refers to your workshop as "The Arsenal"
You become ill because you failed to purchase guns this week
You have more than two jobs
You purchase spare parts for ALL your guns (just in case Gun Parts Corp goes under)
You own neither a Sig nor a Glock
You have a compulsion to "accessorize" with proper bayonet, sling & cleaning kit
Your weakly grocery list includes a case of Easy Off blue label
You are using cosmoline for two or more purposes you formerly used Vaseline for
You abandoned gun safes for "gun rooms"
You recently elected to obtain a home equity loan
You are divorced - multiple times
You own at least one gun equipped with armor plates and mounted on wheels
Your daughter tells her friends that you are a "psycho"
You subscribed to cable TV so the family could watch the History Channel with you
Your hunting rifle has a bayonet attached to it
You receive more than one Christmas ham, turkey or liquor bottle from your salesman
You always send your ATF agent a birthday card
You buy stripper clips for guns you don't own - just in case
You are compelled to accumulate multiple copies of the "same" gun
You like to attend multiple gun shows on the same weekend
You have taken off at least one week from each of your jobs to meet the UPS
You have recently bought a gun because you bought a magazine for it last week
The following are common, daily experiences that we all encounter in life, but ones that the real cruffler has unique solutions for. Mark the choice that seems best to you.
Your wife has just told you: "If you don't sell all those nasty old guns, I am going to leave you." Choose from the following responses:
a) Mam, yes mam, I will sell those old guns right now.
b) Well, nothing lasts forever, just don't let the door knob hit you where the good lord split you.
c) Let me see what my mom advises.
You drop by a gun store operated by your brother-in-law and find an all matching excellent to new condition Springfield 03 which he has misidentified as a Turkish Mauser in 30-06 and has priced at $75. What should you do?
a) Tell him what the gun really is and what it really is worth
b) Tell him you will buy it if he will throw in some ammo and a cleaning kit
c) Go home and think it over
A close personal friend who fought in the European theatre in WWII has suddenly died, and you know that he brought back mucho crufflerwaffen. What would you do?
a) Tell the widow that the guns are highly valuable and you will help her obtain the highest price
b) Explain that the guns are old and dangerous and out of friendship you will rid the house of them at no cost
c) Go home and ask your wife what to do
You have only enough money to money to pay your income taxes, your twelve credit cards are maxed-out and your wife has once again threatened to divorce you if you EVER buy another gun. BUT, you find an all matching IH M-1 Garand, the serial number of which is in sequence with your other IH M-1. What to do?
a) Forget it and pay the taxes
b) Get a home equity loan and buy the gun (and many others)
c) Pass the deal on to Mr. Brannon, a well know gun buyer
A real cruffler would have selected "YES" for each yes/no question and item "B" for each multiple choice item. All YES/NO questions count one point each, and all multiple choice count four points each.
INTERPRETING THE RESULTS:
Anyone scoring between 10-15 points is well on the way to being a cruffler. A score of 20-35 means that you are a healthy cruffler. A score of greater than 40 is sick and needs to pare down their collection. Only I can help you with this. First obtain a Visa card merchant account and then contact me directly.
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