How to Poop at Work [Archive] - Glock Talk


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05-30-2007, 16:57
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work,
following is the survival guide for taking a Poop Dump at the office.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone
else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you
do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in
the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a
FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing
a poop in a stall. This is usually
accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee,
do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did
not happen. If you are standing next to the farter
in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee.
It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the
stall until everyone has left the bathroom
to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
the water. This reduces the amount of
air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid
being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This
can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As
with farts, it is best to pretend that the
smell does not exist. This can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud
of it. You will often see an
Out Of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under their arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
least expect visitors. Try floors
that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a
same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking
a poop at work. If this occurs,
in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be
used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very
effective when used in conjunction with

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will
remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave
the bathroom immediately so the pooper
can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing
incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied
by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front
of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to
relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.

This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. Now go have a
good Pooping

05-31-2007, 13:15

05-31-2007, 13:18
I guess I'm a camo cougher. More a throat clearing, really. :)

05-31-2007, 13:22
I fall into the

Out of the closet pooper. Even keep a stack of my favoriate mags next to my desk.