HiddenEyes
07-03-2008, 18:04
A small female representative of the local constabulary was walking through a crowded venue when a bully decided she should be an easy case-in-point.
So, he walked up and tried to b-slap her.:wow:
You have to imagine that this leading citizen is a sometimes politician, full time self-promoter, and a career know-it-all. He thinks the world loves him and is sure he loves the world and all his fellow man. That makes everyone vote for you, right?
When this particular sub-species gets drunk he is less than brilliant, but fails to take notice of this minor inconvenience. Later investigation showed that he had just finished a conversation where he agreed with several friends, by default setting irrevocable national policy, that women should not be sworn peace officers because they are too small to protect themselves. He felt that a graphic demonstration was in order and chose his Impending Bestower of Ownage accordingly.
Our little Lady of the Peace ducked adeptly and in one smooth fluid movement drew and deployed her Taser. Six feet three inches of windbag went from a Statue of a Man to a whimpering pile of twenty-twenty hindsight. "****! Oh my ***! Oh help! Oh *** that hurt! Don't do that again. ****! Why did you do that? Oh I'm so sorry. ****! Please don't do that again. *****! I shouldn't ha' done that."
I watched all this unfold and happen from about twenty feet away. The crowd was pretty heavy in that area and it took me a few seconds to reach the scene of dying political demagogue. I put his hands behind his back and cuffed him. All the while he was giving vent to expiring moans of philosophical argument in favor of his position in the collective. He also mentioned being the fount of my largesse, intoning that such a noble position required my full forgiveness of minor indiscretions.
In light of the above I felt it was proper to observe all of the rituals and read him his rights, stressing the right to remain silent. "You think I don't know my rights G-man?" Since this was clearly going to become a Hollywood trivia contest I said "I'm sure you do. Are you wearing boots of escaping?" He puzzled for a minute and then answered "**** no! They're cowboy boots."
As we walked towards a waiting mobile Freedom of Movement Denial Device, our ever curious and eager to learn suspect asked "What was that? It took the fight right out of me." "That was a Taser, sir. Why did you try to hit the officer?" Proving that truth is always more entertaining than fiction he answered "Because she is a little woman."
Finding the confessions of a beaten man conducive to successful prosecution I probed deeper. "Do you hate women?" He proved yet again his grasp of comedy when he answered "They look better without a uniform on. The ones that are into wearing uniforms just aren't right. The things they do are not safe." At this point another officer leaned over and in a whisper dared me to put that in my report.
Sadly certain legal principles fermented in his mind and he lawyered up. He did make a few more useful, albeit entirely unfunny, statements for my report. The witnesses stressed how impressed they were by the Electric Rapid Attitude Adjustment Device (ERAAT). They were clearly dazed Yes Men of the First Order, because they stressed in awed terms, that their former hero had never before to their combined memory ever lost a fight.
There was brief talk about me, being as I was a G-man and all, slapping federal hate crime charges on him. This was decided to be taking it too far. The summary of the remaining story is that he plead guilty in exchange for a reduction of charges and a pitifully light sentence.
Mr. HE:cool:
So, he walked up and tried to b-slap her.:wow:
You have to imagine that this leading citizen is a sometimes politician, full time self-promoter, and a career know-it-all. He thinks the world loves him and is sure he loves the world and all his fellow man. That makes everyone vote for you, right?
When this particular sub-species gets drunk he is less than brilliant, but fails to take notice of this minor inconvenience. Later investigation showed that he had just finished a conversation where he agreed with several friends, by default setting irrevocable national policy, that women should not be sworn peace officers because they are too small to protect themselves. He felt that a graphic demonstration was in order and chose his Impending Bestower of Ownage accordingly.
Our little Lady of the Peace ducked adeptly and in one smooth fluid movement drew and deployed her Taser. Six feet three inches of windbag went from a Statue of a Man to a whimpering pile of twenty-twenty hindsight. "****! Oh my ***! Oh help! Oh *** that hurt! Don't do that again. ****! Why did you do that? Oh I'm so sorry. ****! Please don't do that again. *****! I shouldn't ha' done that."
I watched all this unfold and happen from about twenty feet away. The crowd was pretty heavy in that area and it took me a few seconds to reach the scene of dying political demagogue. I put his hands behind his back and cuffed him. All the while he was giving vent to expiring moans of philosophical argument in favor of his position in the collective. He also mentioned being the fount of my largesse, intoning that such a noble position required my full forgiveness of minor indiscretions.
In light of the above I felt it was proper to observe all of the rituals and read him his rights, stressing the right to remain silent. "You think I don't know my rights G-man?" Since this was clearly going to become a Hollywood trivia contest I said "I'm sure you do. Are you wearing boots of escaping?" He puzzled for a minute and then answered "**** no! They're cowboy boots."
As we walked towards a waiting mobile Freedom of Movement Denial Device, our ever curious and eager to learn suspect asked "What was that? It took the fight right out of me." "That was a Taser, sir. Why did you try to hit the officer?" Proving that truth is always more entertaining than fiction he answered "Because she is a little woman."
Finding the confessions of a beaten man conducive to successful prosecution I probed deeper. "Do you hate women?" He proved yet again his grasp of comedy when he answered "They look better without a uniform on. The ones that are into wearing uniforms just aren't right. The things they do are not safe." At this point another officer leaned over and in a whisper dared me to put that in my report.
Sadly certain legal principles fermented in his mind and he lawyered up. He did make a few more useful, albeit entirely unfunny, statements for my report. The witnesses stressed how impressed they were by the Electric Rapid Attitude Adjustment Device (ERAAT). They were clearly dazed Yes Men of the First Order, because they stressed in awed terms, that their former hero had never before to their combined memory ever lost a fight.
There was brief talk about me, being as I was a G-man and all, slapping federal hate crime charges on him. This was decided to be taking it too far. The summary of the remaining story is that he plead guilty in exchange for a reduction of charges and a pitifully light sentence.
Mr. HE:cool:
