Dealing with Snarky Friends? [Archive] - Glock Talk

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Shondratasha
08-12-2008, 23:41
So, growing up I was never much for girlfriends, girls were just too flighty and silly and the guys made so much more sense (and more logical friends). Anyway as I got older I made some really good girlfriends online, who became great girlfriends in real life.

There is one women who got so close that I started referring to her as my sister by another mother. Then last year, she got laid off. She made enough in selling her stock options to support her and her family for about 5 years - even if she doesn't find another job. I know she's frustrated with looking and not being able to find anything in her field.

Lately, my job has become unbearable and I'm looking for different work (not to mention I'm graduating with an MBA this week so it seemed a great time to jump ship). This woman who used to be so supportive and who I feel I've supported in her job hunt is now just snarky about everything that I say. I've been pulling back just to avoid getting hurt and our other friends are asking what happened. Having never dealt with this in middle school or high school, I'm not sure what tack to take. So I thought I would ask you all...

How do you deal with a close friend who turns on you and tells you that it's in your head when you confront her with the behaviour you view as hurtful?

TK5
08-13-2008, 00:28
If she's not willing to consider your perspective, I don't think I'd bother. Maybe with some slack in contact she'll realize that she hasn't been such a great friend lately.

bearwitme
08-13-2008, 07:24
First of all Congrts on your MBA..Quite an achievement.
As far as your friend is concerned looks like she maybe a little jealous and as you say frustrated because you 1. have a job. 2. Moving up. and she is not..
I say let her soak.. You move on..



So, growing up I was never much for girlfriends, girls were just too flighty and silly and the guys made so much more sense (and more logical friends). Anyway as I got older I made some really good girlfriends online, who became great girlfriends in real life.

There is one women who got so close that I started referring to her as my sister by another mother. Then last year, she got laid off. She made enough in selling her stock options to support her and her family for about 5 years - even if she doesn't find another job. I know she's frustrated with looking and not being able to find anything in her field.

Lately, my job has become unbearable and I'm looking for different work (not to mention I'm graduating with an MBA this week so it seemed a great time to jump ship). This woman who used to be so supportive and who I feel I've supported in her job hunt is now just snarky about everything that I say. I've been pulling back just to avoid getting hurt and our other friends are asking what happened. Having never dealt with this in middle school or high school, I'm not sure what tack to take. So I thought I would ask you all...

How do you deal with a close friend who turns on you and tells you that it's in your head when you confront her with the behaviour you view as hurtful?

glockgirlie
08-13-2008, 11:25
Sounds to me like she's jealous and taking it out on you. She's been looking and not finding anything and even though she can support her family, perhaps she doesn't feel that she's being productive or successful. Then, to see you being successful it just makes her feel crappy. There's really not much you can do since she's projecting what she feels as her own shortcomings onto you. Maybe you could try talking to her and let her know that you really would like her support and that you realize things aren't great right now. Flat out ask her if she's feeling worthless (which is what it sounds like) and make every effort to make sure she knows you don't think of her that way. Of course, if you don't want to keep the friendship, then you could do nothing, but it doesn't sound like that's what you want. Maybe give it some time to blow over...friendships change but if she's a true friend, it'll straighten itself out.

Mrs. Tink
08-13-2008, 14:45
My sister is in the OPPOSITE situation. She is being the snarky friend and her best college girlfriend is in your situation--she just got out of graduate school and is now pounding the pavement for a good job, with some real prospects.

My sis really means well... she really does. But her take is that her friend (I'll call her P) does not know what it's like to "suffer" or to be in hard times. P has wealthy parents who paid for her entire college education and paid her rent, food and living expenses. Now P lives with her boyfriend rent-free, and P's boyfriend was actually GIVEN the home by HIS parents. P, according to my sis, has "never worked a day in her life." (Evidently the college research positions didn't count.)

So now when they get together, my sis (A) spends her time mulling over how P doesn't get it. A is divorced at 24, was a victim of spousal abuse, barely has two nickels to rub together and has been slogging through a job hunt for 18 months. So now she feels like P needs to grow up. My perception is that P can tell that A thinks that she is a pampered princess, and feels awkward about it, choosing to withdraw. P rarely calls A anymore. A doesn't call P because P lives in Canada and it costs a lot of money to call.

So A complains because P never calls. I told her it is because P can tell how she feels and, honestly, probably doesn't want to hang out with someone who is jealous or resentful of her financial situation. Also, P is getting the vibe that A thinks she needs to grow up or get more life experience, and P thinks that she is just fine, thank you.

It might just be a different view. Your friend is letting her resentment show, which is never wise. Possibly, she feels like she just can't relate to you anymore. BUT she doesn't want to say it to you directly because she's passive-aggressive. Don't let her tell you it is all in your head, because it is not. But also, try not to close off all communication. When her situation improves, so will her temperament. Good luck. :hugs:

MrsKitty
08-14-2008, 12:36
I don't have any snarky friends. I guess I am overly picky of who I let get close to me. :)

I have lost one close friend over the last few years. She is recently divorced and when I didn't side with her opinion that the father of their kids needed to play private school tuition in addition to child support, she basically cut me off. I told her if she wanted to spend the money that she needed to handle it. Also, she got pissed at me when I told her that her church (who runs this private school no less) was milking her for every dollar they could after her father died.

She has doubts about whether her father is in heaven based on being in the military and things he did in the war. I told her that taking a life in combat is not murder. I know the extent of her father's job in that war but she doesn't. He didn't want her to know and I refused to tell her. Partly because of his wishes but if it would have helped her after he died, I would have shared it with her. I think it would have sent her over the edge...

I did have a friend in grad school steal some of my work and submit it as her own. I haven't spoken to her since. ;)

I think the reason I don't have snarky friends is that I won't put up with crap like that...

Shondratasha
08-16-2008, 15:32
Thank you everyone. I've reached the point that I just ignore any snarky things she says. I've tried to call and talk one on one but she isn't answering my phone calls. So, I'll just leave things as they are and wait for her to contact me since I've reached out only to be ignored.

MB-G26
08-23-2008, 03:11
Thank you everyone. I've reached the point that I just ignore any snarky things she says. I've tried to call and talk one on one but she isn't answering my phone calls. So, I'll just leave things as they are and wait for her to contact me since I've reached out only to be ignored.


Recommendation? Ignore the snarky person

Irrespective of what her conscious and subscious motivations are/might be, she is exerting a toxic influence now - back slowly away from The Snarky One....... and keep on going forward in the direction you have chosen for yourself!!

You can't fix her. It's not your job, it's not your calling, it's not your formally trained expertise, and it's not your responsibility!.

Borrow from the old adage: 'good riddance of bad rubbish'
Good riddance of bad snarkish!
:::::::::::::::hugs::::::::::::::;

Mrs. VR
08-23-2008, 16:11
Hoo boy, that's a tough one. It's been my experience that when someone is being like that, the problem is something in THEIR life, not yours. It is sooooooo hard to lose a close friend, believe me, I've been there. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I can tell you though, men can be just as snarky as women, and the same thing can happen with a guy friend. :hugs: