23 Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship... [Archive] - Glock Talk

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Shondratasha
08-16-2008, 15:41
23 WARNING SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP (www.health-first.org)

Physical or sexual violence may occur without warning. Sometimes, however, there may be signs or "red flags" that serve as warnings that abuse may occur. The following are examples of a person's behavior or personality that may be a warning that a person may be abusive. If you answer yes to one or more of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship or be at risk for it. It is recommended that you speak with a domestic violence advocate.

1. Does your partner tease you in a hurtful way in private or in public?

2. Does your partner call you names such as "stupid" or "*****"?

3. Does your partner act jealous of your friends, family, or co-workers?

4. Does your partner get angry about clothes you wear or how you style your hair?

5. Does your partner check-up on you by calling, driving by, or getting someone else to?

6. Has your partner gone places with you or sent someone just to "keep an eye on you"?

7. Does your partner insist on knowing who you talk with on the phone?

8. Does your partner blame you for his problems or his bad mood?

9. Does your partner get angry so easily that you feel like you're "walking on eggshells"?

10. Does your partner hit walls, drive dangerously, or do other things to scare you?

11. Does your partner often drink or use drugs?

12. Does your partner insist that you drink or use drugs with him?

13. Have you lost friends or no longer see some of your family because of your partner?

14. Does your partner accuse you of being interested in someone else?

15. Does your partner read your mail, email, go through your purse, or other personal papers without your permission?

16. Does your partner keep money from you, keep you in debt, or have "money secrets?"

17. Has your partner kept you from getting a job, or caused you to lose a job?

18. Has your partner sold your car, made you give up your license, or not repaired your car?

19. Does your partner threaten to hurt you, your children, family, friends, or pets?

20. Does your partner force you to have sex when you do not want to?

21. Does your partner force you to have sex in ways that you do not want to?

22. Does your partner threaten to kill you or himself if you leave?

23. Is your partner like "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde," acting one way in front of other people and another way when you are alone?



If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, then you may be at risk for domestic violence. Seek assistance from National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (www.ndvh.org)

Shondratasha
08-16-2008, 15:47
This list works both ways, sometimes women are the abusers and men the abused.

I remember my first boss calling us into her office after one of our colleagues had been hauled out of the workplace by her husband. The boss had tried to stop him and had offered her a place to stay but the colleague had chosen to stay with the guy who had hold of her by the hair.
The boss gave us a list similar to this and told us that her house was always open if we needed a safe place to stay. She then told us about one of her previous marriages. I will never forget this strong, incredible woman telling us that she had gone through a stage in her life where she believed that she deserved every punch her husband threw.

I will never forget her looking everyone in the eye and saying, "Before he ever threw a punch, he convinced me that I earned it. No one, male or female, deserves to be hit by a partner."

longhaulcop
08-16-2008, 16:20
My daughter married a guy that fits most of those warning signs last year. Just makes one blood boil.

MrsKitty
08-17-2008, 11:30
My daughter married a guy that fits most of those warning signs last year. The only saving grace is that he is overseas and she is here in the US. She won't listen to my wife and I or most of her freinds, anyone got any ideas!

Sadly, no. :hugs:

She is going to have to realize that SHE deserves better. Nothing you can say or do will speed that process up...

We dealt with this in our family. The girlfriend always believed he was doing better or some other BS until the day she spotted him trying to smother their days-old baby. Even that didn't really sink in... Thankfully, he was in prison in only a few more days. By the time he was released, the baby showing signs of significant brain damage. I really think if that baby wasn't so effected, she would have taken him back the day he was free...

:sad:

Swattie's Wife
08-17-2008, 16:38
All but 3 describes my first marriage. I was seeing someone a year later who tried to take a 6-inch blade to my throat because I said it was over. I got remarried a couple years later and when he tried to strangle my youngest I left (the next day).
Yeah, I have had some pretty bad luck. It's hard to get out the this cycle. It took me 3 tries to finally leave my first marriage. And my second husband said that if I ever left he would hunt me down and kill me. I had nightmares for almost 2 years. Because of all this I suffer from PTSD and Battered Wife Syndrome.
Years later it seems like I can still "read" men and women. This man at church gives me "evil vibes" when I see him. His wife just seems "too quiet", prim and proper for me. When she talks she never looks up. I have only seen her twice. He lives here and she and the children live in Texas.

Swattie's Wife
08-17-2008, 16:54
Thanks for posting that. You don't know who might read this and/or who this might help.

Shondratasha
08-17-2008, 18:08
I work with an organization that teaches children who are the witnesses of domestic violence that their parent's relationship is not healthy, we work on teaching them that healthy relationships are not fairy tales. I've become convinced that the only way to break this cycle is through helping the children although once in a great while the adults recognize what is happening and get help.

I admire all of those who have had the strength to recognize an abusive relationship and leave alive. I wish them well in future relationships.

I really don't consider sharing stories of how you survived and escaped hijacking. If any story helps just one person, then it's worth it. The main question to answer for others is what could anyone have done to help you recognize the situation and leave sooner?

Swattie's Wife
08-17-2008, 19:46
I work with an organization that teaches children who are the witnesses of domestic violence that their parent's relationship is not healthy, we work on teaching them that healthy relationships are not fairy tales. I've become convinced that the only way to break this cycle is through helping the children although once in a great while the adults recognize what is happening and get help.

I admire all of those who have had the strength to recognize an abusive relationship and leave alive. I wish them well in future relationships.

I really don't consider sharing stories of how you survived and escaped hijacking. If any story helps just one person, then it's worth it. The main question to answer for others is what could anyone have done to help you recognize the situation and leave sooner?

UNTIL the person is ready to leave NOBODY can help. All anyone can do is stand by the abused person and keep letting her (or him) know that you are there for them. I can't remember how times someone would say something to me (speaking of first marriage) but until I was ready nothing/nobody could have helped. I was married for 10 years the first time. I thought (my mistake) that I could change him. I realized AFTER later that I couldn't change him but I could change me. I do know (personally speaking) that if it wasn't for my kids I would not have made it. I knew that I couldn't let the "sperm donor" have them. What I mean by "leave" is kill myself. What really hit home was my son telling me "You know what he does to us and you don't do anything." I can't begin to tell you how that made me feel. I know it felt like a knife going through my heart. I also knew that I was just as guilty as him and I DIDN'T do what he did.
I'll never forget the time he hit me when I gave a bottle to my daughter. She was a year old (1). He said she didn't need it. She couldn't sit, stand, walk, crawl yet. They thought she had cerebal palsy. (about 18 months she was doing everything).
Now, if I knew then what I know now, I would have reported him to his CO. He kept telling me that if I did the kids would go to him because I was a stay at home Mom. I was so stupid. It was my fault he said and that is the way the courts would see it. I know different now and that is the reason why I went into Criminal Justice.
I guess to sum it up would be just to say "be a friend and let them know you care." I also want everyone to know that their is so much help out there. The first step is the hardest...walking away. And you can't look back because you'll probably go back (that's what happened to me). And NEVER, EVER stay in a relationship just because you have kids. They DO know what's going on and probably don't understand. I wish somebody would have said to me "if you don't want to leave for yourself, leave for your kids". Something that I didn't want to accept was that EVERYONE knew. I thought, I really thought, that I was hiding it, I was wrong.

(I hope what I wrote doesn't bother/upset anyone. I just wanted to give ya'll some examples of what my experience.)

MB-G26
08-20-2008, 05:07
1. Does your partner tease you in a hurtful way in private or in public?

Partner now, MyJay - NEVER! Ex-spouse? Ahhelllayes.....

2. Does your partner call you names such as "stupid" or "*****"?
Partner now: good grief! Never... Can't even invision him doing so.

Ex-spouse? ah hellayes..... constantly.

3. Does your partner act jealous of your friends, family, or co-workers?
Partner now: no, not ever, not in the least. He is also incredibly understanding and flexible considering I'm still my college freshman's Mom.

Ex-spouse: oh my gawd yes! Drove every possible wedge he could between me and my parents, sisters, and even tried to drive one between my kid and my self. Treated my then-little boy like a 3rd class foreign refugee from some disease-ridden, 3rd world country.

4. Does your partner get angry about clothes you wear or how you style your hair?
Partner now: hasn't so far...... and I would be flabbergasted if he did so in a mean manner.

Ex-spouse: Oh good grief, according to him I was an "exhibitionist" who dressed in the "tightest possble clothes" and was constantly having affairs and flirting with "all *these* men" (who didn't exist, didn't have names, etc.)

5. Does your partner check-up on you by calling, driving by, or getting someone else to?

Partner now: nope. Sometimes when my comings and goings get a bit irradict, he calls to check on me - but only because he worries that I might not be safe at the time.

Ex-spouse: good grief yes, constantly did that, even tracked the daily mileage in my car.

6. Has your partner gone places with you or sent someone just to "keep an eye on you"?

Partner now: never, ever, done that with that intent or motivation - only when concern for my actual physical safety has been at issue in his mind.

Ex-spouse: yes, I am convinced he had be "watched" for quite some time.

7. Does your partner insist on knowing who you talk with on the phone?

Partner now: nope. He will sometimes inquire based on my reactions to the phone call, if I've responded during the call like something is wrong with my dad or other family member or something horrible has happened to someone I have contact with.

Ex-Spouse: Hell, I wasn't allowed to conduct phone calls unless I thereafter told him who, why, what, the whole nine yards. Then he'd verbally attack the caller - including MY MOTHER FOR PITY'S SAKE!

8. Does your partner blame you for his problems or his bad mood?

Partner now: nope. We are a team and I feel 100% 'emotionally married' to him. We mutually support each other for bad days, bad stuff, you name it.

Ex-spouse: Well, this goes w/o saying. I was blamed for everything, including causing his double heart attacks!

9. Does your partner get angry so easily that you feel like you're "walking on eggshells"?

Partner now: nope. He has bad days, usually work-related, and we talk it out.

Ex-spouse: I spent the entire marriage and pre-marriage relationship walking on both egg shells AND cut glass.

10. Does your partner hit walls, drive dangerously, or do other things to scare you?

Partner now: wellllllllll....... there's been a couple of dents in the wall come about, but I have never felt any fear of him at all for any reason. And I just fix the holes in the walls with spackle :)

Ex-spouse: too numerous to list. And he frequently scared the schit outta me.

11. Does your partner often drink or use drugs?

Partner now: nope, and nope. And Never to the latter.

Ex-Spouse: drank like a fish...... bona find alcholic

12. Does your partner insist that you drink or use drugs with him?

Partner now: Nope, never. If anything, *I* am the one to hand him half a glass of merlot after a hellish day at work.

Ex-Spouse: Insisted I drink with him.

13. Have you lost friends or no longer see some of your family because of your partner?

Partner now: nope, and he is very supportive and understanding of my family obligations (kid, terminally ill father in nursing home, etc.)

Ex-spouse? Oh yeah.......... made every attempt to isolate me from friends at work as well as immediate family.

14. Does your partner accuse you of being interested in someone else?

Partner now: never.

Ex-spouse: CONSTANTLY, CONTSTANTLY, CONSTANTLY did that......

15. Does your partner read your mail, email, go through your purse, or other personal papers without your permission?

Partner now: nope, never, unless I ask him to try to find 'x' in a pile of mail or buried somewhere in my purse.

Ex-spouse: probably did. Would have been his typical MO.

16. Does your partner keep money from you, keep you in debt, or have "money secrets?"

Partner now: nope. Sometimes he gets a little carried away with HIS charge card, but then I come bouncing in, dispensing the voice of reason :)

Ex-spouse: yes, yes, and yes. He certainly did all of that.

17. Has your partner kept you from getting a job, or caused you to lose a job?

Partner now: nope. And he's very supportive of me and the medical/disability issues that keep me from being able to hold a real job.

Ex-spouse: was a large part in the cummulative situation that helped bring about my loss of my job and career.

18. Has your partner sold your car, made you give up your license, or not repaired your car?

Partner now: nope, nope, and is in fact constantly concerned about how well my car is running, as well has put in a lot of sweaty nights and afternoons working on my mother's Buick.

Ex-spouse: well, he left me completely w/o operable vehicular transportation

19. Does your partner threaten to hurt you, your children, family, friends, or pets?

Partner now: never, never, never, never, ever, and simply wouldn't. He even loves my silly old dog ;)

Ex-spouse: yes.

20. Does your partner force you to have sex when you do not want to?

Partner now: no, and he wouldn't dream of doing so.

Ex-spouse: Uh......yeah. More like implied this and that......

21. Does your partner force you to have sex in ways that you do not want to?

Partner now: nope, and there isn't anything I can envision him wanting to do sexually that I would fear or be repulsed by.

Ex-spouse: um, yeah. Yeah. That's all I'm gonna say about that.

22. Does your partner threaten to kill you or himself if you leave?

Partner now: nope, and that kind of head game would never, ever develop between the two of us.

Ex-spouse: no, he was always the one threatening to leave ME.

23. Is your partner like "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde," acting one way in front of other people and another way when you are alone?

Partner now: nope, not in the least.

Ex-spouse: oh sweet crimeny yes. It was mandatory that I was characterized to be someone horrible and terrible in the eyes of people he knew on his own............. while, he, or course, claimed to be a victim.

Added: MyJay is the only man I have truly felt completely safe with in my entire life, which (unfortunately) spans three failed marriages. It is such a gift to feel and be held as a cherished and important, very loved person. Even by the time I draw my last breath, I don't think MyJay will every REALLY understand what a gift to me he is and what an incredible gift he makes me feel like.

dox1842
08-22-2008, 06:48
This list works both ways, sometimes women are the abusers and men the abused.


:wavey: I wish this was spoken of more when people talk about abusive relationships. I used to date a girl who was from an abusive home, every time I went out with friends she would accuse me of cheating on her. Some times she would even accuse me of being interested in her friends. She would also use her dad and brother to intimidate me and would always threaten to leave me for "lying to her" as well as getting pissed off over stupid things. I was blinded by love and didnt want her to leave but was glad when she finally did. Even though this was a painful experience im glad it happened to me because now I am more educated and can "read" people better. I am now worried about my friend who was recently married because his wife acts suspicously the same way....
PS: most of the time I felt like I was the controlling one or abuser in the relationship because I always felt like it was the mans fault.