Jokes previously unmentionable

[jhoagland]

A guy walks into a bar and a sign behind the bar says,
Hand jobs $10
Cheese sandwiches $2

The guy asks the bartender,"Miss, are you the girl that gives the hand jobs?"
She replies, "Yes I am."

He goes,"Well wash them hands and make me a sammich!":supergrin:

[Bogey]

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Dats funny.





Obviously this is an oldie....but a goodie.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDowTz8-Vno

[jhoagland]

A guy goes into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila. The bartender asks why.
The guy says he's celebrating his first blow job. The bartender says CONGRATULATIONS!! and offers an eleventh shot on the house.
The guy says thanks but if ten can't get rid of the taste eleven won't do any good either...

[Bogey]

A guy goes into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila. The bartender asks why.
The guy says he's celebrating his first blow job. The bartender says CONGRATULATIONS!! and offers an eleventh shot on the house.
The guy says thanks but if ten can't get rid of the taste eleven won't do any good either...


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:























That's just sick.

[GPalmer]

That's just sick.
+1, and funny, very, very funny! :rofl::rofl:

[Bogey]

Three men had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early drink, and compared notes about who was drunker.


The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."


"You think that was drunk?" said the second guy. "I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!" There was silence for a moment and then the first guy exclaimed, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog."

[jhoagland]

Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ftw!!!

[frank4570]

OH MY GOD that is funny!

[jhoagland]

This guy decides to take up dangerous game hunting for a pastime. He is new to hunting and has very fuzzy ideas on how to go about it. Armed with some bad advice and a shot gun he goes into the Rocky Mts to hunt Grizzly bear.

After a couple of days he finally sees a giant bruin and takes careful aim and squeeses the trigger. BANG! The bear drops out of sight behind a bush. The man runs over there to find, no bear. He feels a tap on the shoulder. When he turns, there's the bear. The bear says, "I'm tired of all you guys coming out here to try and blow me away, so now, well, you just get to blow me!"

The man embarassed and angry goes back into town and buys a 30-06 and a scope and heads back to the same woods in search of the bear.

After several more days he sees the bear again. This time he takes even more careful aim. BANG!! Once more the bear drops out of sight. Again he rushes over to see an empty spot. No bear?! Then the tap on the shoulder.

So, the hunter heads back to town madder than before (spitting mad even) and orders a .50 BMG bolt action with the latest in laser sights, scope and range finder complete with a bipod.

A full week goes by until he sees the big bruiser. He range finds, he calculates windage, he calms his heart and takes the breath and lets it half out. BANG!!!!!!
Again he rushes over, again no bear, again the tap on the shoulder. He slowwwwwly turns and the bear asks him, "Say, you really aren't in this for the hunting, are you?"

[Bogey]

This guy decides to take up dangerous game hunting for a pastime. He is new to hunting and has very fuzzy ideas on how to go about it. Armed with some bad advice and a shot gun he goes into the Rocky Mts to hunt Grizzly bear.

After a couple of days he finally sees a giant bruin and takes careful aim and squeeses the trigger. BANG! The bear drops out of sight behind a bush. The man runs over there to find, no bear. He feels a tap on the shoulder. When he turns, there's the bear. The bear says, "I'm tired of all you guys coming out here to try and blow me away, so now, well, you just get to blow me!"

The man embarassed and angry goes back into town and buys a 30-06 and a scope and heads back to the same woods in search of the bear.

After several more days he sees the bear again. This time he takes even more careful aim. BANG!! Once more the bear drops out of sight. Again he rushes over to see an empty spot. No bear?! Then the tap on the shoulder.

So, the hunter heads back to town madder than before (spitting mad even) and orders a .50 BMG bolt action with the latest in laser sights, scope and range finder complete with a bipod.

A full week goes by until he sees the big bruiser. He range finds, he calculates windage, he calms his heart and takes the breath and lets it half out. BANG!!!!!!
Again he rushes over, again no bear, again the tap on the shoulder. He slowwwwwly turns and the bear asks him, "Say, you really aren't in this for the hunting, are you?"

:supergrin::rofl::supergrin::rofl::supergrin:

[Sam Spade]

Drunk walks into a bar carrying a box. Says to the barkeep, "Gimmie a free drink and I'll show you something you've never seen before."

Business has been good, so what the heck. Drunk tosses back his drink, opens up the box, out comes a little man. Absoultely alive, no gimmick. Drunk reaches into the box, pulls out a little piano. Little man starts playing the little piano. Mozart. Perfect. Beethoven. Tears to your eyes. Jazzes it up, plays some ragtime. Like nothing you've ever heard.

"Where'd you get him?"

"Well, the old stories are true. I went to Ireland, and caught a leprechaun. Lucky me, the leprechaun says he'll grant my wish if I let him go."

"And *that's* what you wished for?"

"Well, it was an old leprechaun, and he was a mite bit deaf. So, here I am with a 12" pianist."

[GPalmer]

Drunk walks into a bar carrying a box. Says to the barkeep, "Gimmie a free drink and I'll show you something you've never seen before."

:rofl::rofl: You guys are killing me! :supergrin: Proceed!

[Sam Spade]

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini Skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line Picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, Screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

[jhoagland]

Now that was funny as ****!!

[jhoagland]

Paleontologist have found a lesbian dinosaur.
They have named it the lickalottapuss.

[okie]

Last night a complete stranger asked me if I liked breasts or thighs,I told him that I preferred a hot, wet, *****.
Apparently that wasn’t an option with the KFC Bargain Bucket.

[Glockerel]

What's the hardest thing about playing soccer?






















Telling your Dad you're gay.

[Bogey]

Last night a complete stranger asked me if I liked breasts or thighs,I told him that I preferred a hot, wet, *****.
Apparently that wasn’t an option with the KFC Bargain Bucket.



I gotta use that next time I go to KFC. :rofl:


Mrs. B thought that was funny as hell Mark..

[Bogey]

If this ism over the top, let me know and I'll delete it.


A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[cjlandry]

:rofl:

That's just nasty! :wavey:

If this ism over the top, let me know and I'll delete it.

Not for me, it ain't. If anyone complains to me, I'll kill it, depending on who's complainin'.

[pesticidal]

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.

"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're *******s!"

[pesticidal]

A guy goes to see a doctor and, after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him: "There's is good news and bad news. The good news is that your ***** is growing and I expect it to grow 3 or 4 inches within a few weeks". "Wow!" says the guy, "And what is the bad news?" "It's malignant", replies the doctor.

[pesticidal]

A guy and a girl get on an elevator in a hospital. The guy hits three, and asks the girl "which floor?" to which she replies "Four, please."

Making conversation, the girl says "I'm here to give blood. What are you here for?"

The guy says "I'm actually here to donate sperm. They give me eighty dollars for it."

The girl goes, "Huh. I only get ten dollars for giving plasma." They get off the elevators on their respective floors.

The next week, the same guy gets on the elevator to go give sperm again. Lo and behold, the same girl gets on. "Nice to see you again. What floor, miss?"

"Mmmmph!", she says, and holds up three fingers.

[Bogey]

A guy and a girl get on an elevator in a hospital. The guy hits three, and asks the girl "which floor?" to which she replies "Four, please."

Making conversation, the girl says "I'm here to give blood. What are you here for?"

The guy says "I'm actually here to donate sperm. They give me eighty dollars for it."

The girl goes, "Huh. I only get ten dollars for giving plasma." They get off the elevators on their respective floors.

The next week, the same guy gets on the elevator to go give sperm again. Lo and behold, the same girl gets on. "Nice to see you again. What floor, miss?"

"Mmmmph!", she says, and holds up three fingers.


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

I had forgotten about that one.

[Bogey]

An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, William Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed, and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door, his wife started criticizing him.

"Your tie is crooked. You look a mess. There's a stain on your jacket. You missed dinner…"

The lawyer began rubbing his temples and tuned out his wife's harsh words. He went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub.

While he was in the tub, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, the sight of her husband's rear end greeted her as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, woman! Don't you ever stop!?"

[jhoagland]

A whore house and a mortuary each had a place of business open across the street from one another.

The sign on the mortuary said: Our staff will stuff your stiff

The sign on the whore house said: Our stuff will stiff your staff.

[Woofie]

A man and his young daughter were walking around outside. The man marveled at how smart his child was and how innocent her take on nature was. As he walked with her towards the park he turned and noticed she had stopped. He walked towards her, wondering what wonderful thing in nature had caught her eye. As he got closer he noticed she was watching two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" She asked.
"Those spiders are mating, honey."
"Well what is the spider on top called daddy?" The daughter continued to watch in amazement.
"A daddy long legs."
"Is the spider on the bottom called a mommy long legs?" The little girl asked.
The father chuckled at her take on life and replied, "No sweety, that is also a daddy long legs."
The daughter pauses a moment before smashing her foot on top of them.
Bewildered her father asked, "Why did you do that?"
The little girl replied, "We don't need any of that
brokeback mountain **** going on here!"

[frank4570]

Not fair! YOU post the joke, I laugh at it. I show it to my wife, I get hit. I'm not the one who posted the damn thing.:scared:

:rofl:


If this ism over the top, let me know and I'll delete it.


A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[lovette]

Not fair! YOU post the joke, I laugh at it. I show it to my wife, I get hit. I'm not the one who posted the damn thing.:scared:

:rofl:

Same here. My wife wanted to know why I was cracking up. She actually chuckled when I read her the joke.:whistling:

[itisbruno]

This thread is great
:supergrin:

[pesticidal]

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy. He's a midget with a speech impediment".

The midget shows up and the rancher asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"

The rancher picks up the midget, who gives the horse's eyes the once over, then responds, "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"

The rancher picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears."Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"

The rancher is getting pretty impatient with the entire process by this point, but he picks the midget up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"

Totally exasperated, the rancher grabs the midget under his arms and rams his head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing, then says, "Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

[pesticidal]

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 Japanese yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week.
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

[pesticidal]

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"

To that the man asks, "Anything??"
And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"
With that, the man says, "Follow me."

He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
She does.
He then says, "Get on your knees."
She does.
He then says, "Take down my zipper."
She does.
He then says, "Go ahead, take it out."
With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.
The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello...Mom?"

[pesticidal]

Two church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.

Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.

But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.

Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.

Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."

[pesticidal]

A little Arkansas country boy was sitting on the curb with a quart of turpentine and just shaking it all
up; just watching all the bubbles.

A priest came along and asked the little boy what he was doing. The little boy replied "Well, I'm a just
shakin' the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water." If you take some of this
Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby boy."

The little boy replied, "Shoot, that ain't nothin'. You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a
cat's ass, he'll pass a motorcycle.."

[Longtooths]

A little boy comes home from his first day of school and asks his father, “Dad, what is a ******?”

His dad, kind of taken back, thinks about it a minute and tells him, “Well son, before sex it is like a beautiful flower just starting to bloom, it is soft and warm and inviting.”

The son soaked this in for a little while and said to his day, “Ok, well what does it look like after sex?”

The dad was flustered and thought and thought about it. He finally after several minutes had an epiphany and said to his son, “Son, have you ever seen a Bulldog eating mayonnaise?”

[itisbruno]

A driver is stuck in
a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago …Nothing is moving north or south.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window..

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the
hold up?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah
Winfrey, Rosie O'Donnell,Chevy Chase, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.

They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse
them with gasoline and Set them on fire. We are going from car to car,
taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'




'About a gallon.'

[BrassInPocket]

A little boy comes home from his first day of school and asks his father, “Dad, what is a ******?”

His dad, kind of taken back, thinks about it a minute and tells him, “Well son, before sex it is like a beautiful flower just starting to bloom, it is soft and warm and inviting.”

The son soaked this in for a little while and said to his day, “Ok, well what does it look like after sex?”

The dad was flustered and thought and thought about it. He finally after several minutes had an epiphany and said to his son, “Son, have you ever seen a Bulldog eating mayonnaise?”

:animlol::animlol:

[cjlandry]

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'




'About a gallon.'

:supergrin:

[cjlandry]

This guy fell asleep on the beach one day and the wind came up and blew sand all over him until he was covered with only his big toe sticking out.

An old nympho was walking down the beach, saw the toe sticking up, pulled down her bikini bottom and squatted over the toe.

She humped away till she was satisfied, pulled up her drawers and left.

The guy woke up, brushed the sand away and left, not knowing what happened. The next day his foot itched like hell, and had a sore on it.

He went to the Dr. and after an exam the doc told him he had syphilis of the big toe.

"Syphilis of the big toe?", he inquired, "isn't that rare."

The doc said "You think that's rare, I had a woman in here this morning with athlete's *****."

[Bogey]

What's gray and comes in quarts?




























An elephant.

[GotGlock1917]

The farmer walks into the bedroom where his fat ass wife is laying down eating a box of chocolates. He's carrying a sheep under his arm.

He says, "Honey, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

Wife says, "You dumb ass, that's a sheep.

Farmer says. "You dumb ass, I wasn't talking to you!"

[Longtooths]

A woman is sitting at a bar when a drunken slob walks up to her and says "I'm gonna make your nipples hard baby."
Furious she whirls around and retorts "leave me alone or I'll go get my boyfriend and he'll kick your ***."
So he staggers off.
He returns about a half hour or so later and spits out
"Baby, I wanna take you, flip you upside down, pour beer down your p*ssy and guzzle it aaaalllll down."
At this point she's livid and screams "That's it you ***hole, I'm going to go get my boyfriend."
She storms off and finds her boyfriend at home watching tv.
"Honey" she says. "This jerk at the bar hit on me, he said he was gonna make my nipples hard."
"Oh yeah. Well I'll kick his ***." he says getting up from the couch.
"He also said he wanted to flip me upside down pour beer down my p*ssy and guzzle it all down."
The man stops and sits back down on the couch.
"What the hell? I thought you were going to kick his ***!"
He looks at her and says "Hell no. I'm not *****ing with a guy that can drink that much beer."

[Woofie]

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

[Bogey]

The farmer walks into the bedroom where his fat ass wife is laying down eating a box of chocolates. He's carrying a sheep under his arm.

He says, "Honey, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

Wife says, "You dumb ass, that's a sheep.

Farmer says. "You dumb ass, I wasn't talking to you!"


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

[jhoagland]

PESTI!!:notworthy::notworthy::notworthy:
When I can catch my breath I'll post one.

[pesticidal]

A man walks into a drug story. He approaches the pharmacist and asks, "Do you have any of those condoms with insecticide on them?"

The pharmacists says, "Ugh...don't you mean spermacide?"

The man replies, "No...insecticide. My wife has a bug up her ass and I'm going after it!"

[pesticidal]

Two foreigners were in Cairo watching a camel jockey take his camel down the street. When the camel approached a red light the driver shouted "Camel STOP". The camel came to a screeching halt. When the light turned green the driver shouted "Camel GO" and the camel headed down the street. Knowing how difficult it is to train a camel, the two foreigners followed. Sure enough the camel followed the drivers every command. Amazed the two foreigners came up to the driver and asked how he could train a camel so well.

"It's no problem. When I train the camel I take two big rocks and put the camel's balls in between. If the camel doesn't obey I crash the rocks together".
"SOB, doesn't that hurt?" replied the foreigner.

"Only if you get your fingers caught between the rocks" smiled the camel driver.

[pesticidal]

The Hunchback of Notre Dame had heard a lot about sex, so one night he decided to venture out onto the streets of Paris to look for a hooker. He walked for hours until he found the darkest, poorest street haunted by whores desperate for money. He made an arrangement with one, dropped his pants and went to work.

The hooker tried shutting her eyes and pretending her john was normal.
But she made the mistake of opening her eyes. One look at the Hideous form ****ing her and she vomited all over him.

The hunchback stopped and asked, "Are you sick?"

"Yes," she stammered.

"Good," he said. "For a minute, I thought I'd busted my hump."

[jhoagland]

Have you ever read the serial number on the bottom of a condom?
























































































You don't have to roll it down that far do ya??

[pesticidal]

Once upon a time in fantasy land the unthinkable happened. Mickey Mouse sued Minnie Mouse for divorce. After pleading his case before the court the judge said, "I'm sorry Mickey, but insanity is not grounds for divorce."

"I didn't say that Minnie was insane, your honor." said Mickey "I said she was ****ing Goofy!"

[pesticidal]

A man is having excruciating pains in his groin, accompanied by intense headaches, so he goes to doctor. The physician gives him a thorough going over and announces that he has an excessive pressure in his crotch, and that the headaches will continue until and unless he has his balls removed. Only after the most incredible case of migraine headaches and blue balls does he consent to the operation. He gets castrated. Because of the operation, he felt very depressed.

The pressure was gone, and there was no pain, but still, he sat by the window and stared into empty space. His wife wandered over and told him "Honey, I know how you must feel. Whenever I feel depressed, I go downtown and buy some new clothes. That always makes me feel much better." He takes her advice. He goes to the most expensive haberdasher in town and orders a fancy suit.

The tailor tells the man, "Well, I can tell that you wear a size 15-and-a-half shirt."

The man is amazed. "That's exactly right," he says. "And a size 10-B shoe." "Yes!" exclaims the man, "you are right again." "And you wear a size 10 hat, 34 inch pants length, and a 36 inch waist on your underwear," says the tailor. "That's perfectly right, except my underwear has a 34 inch waist."

"Oh, no," says the tailor, "I know my business. You wear a 36. If you wore tighter underwear, you'd get pressure built up in your groin, and then you'd get terrible headaches."

[jhoagland]

Three traveling salesmen were going coast to coast when their car broke down in the midwest. After walking a couple of miles they happened upon a farm and the farmer allowed them to stay in the barn. Of course the farmer had a most beautiful daughter that they all fell in love with. The farmer being wise saw this at once and told them that one of them may marry his daughter after passing a test.
The test consisted of running across two pastures and swimming a lake, followed by running across a third pasture and ****ing the cow their and making it across the finish line. They had to do that until there was only one man left standing.

The first trip around one salesman gets hung up in a barbwire fence.
The second trip around the second drowns in the lake.
On the last round the surviving salesman drags himself across the line and the farmer says " Congratulations, you may marry my daughter."
The salesman says, "The hell with your daughter!! How much do you want for the cow in the third pasture?"

[jhoagland]

Why can't women be carpenters?

















Because they think this is six inches. ---

[pesticidal]

“Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it.”

The farmer was dubious. “Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I’ll buy a whole case from you.

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped.The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.

Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. “Son,” he said, “Now, you don’t have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?”

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked,

“Doesn’t that calf have a mother?”

[pesticidal]

Why can't women be carpenters?


Because they think this is six inches. ---

There's a new carpentry firm in town, run by lesbians. No screws or nails; it's all tongue in groove construction....

[GotGlock1917]

There's a new carpentry firm in town, run by lesbians. No screws or nails; it's all tongue in groove construction....

I hear they get done lickitysplit!

[jhoagland]

BTW A homosexuall dinasaur was discovered. It has been named a Dickasaurass.

[pesticidal]

BTW A homosexuall dinasaur was discovered. It has been named a Dickasaurass.

Or Megasaurass

[jhoagland]

A young boy came in from school and asked his dad what the difference between theory and reality is.

The man told his son to go ask his mom and his sister if they would sleep with the richest man on the other side of the tracks for a million dollars.

After a while the boy comes back and tells his dad that he asked them.
"What did they say my boy?"
The boy said that they both would.
Dad says, "In theory we as a family are sitting on a couple of million dollars. In reality, we are living with a couple of whores."

[itisbruno]

Sorry, bro, city ordinance.

[itisbruno]

Same thing.

[itisbruno]

http://i256.photobucket.com/albums/hh193/brun02/mccaintapspalin.jpg

[GotGlock1917]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqkG3CqPbQk

[Bogey]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqkG3CqPbQk

I had wanted to post that in GNG a long time ago.

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[jhoagland]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqkg3cqpbqk

bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!

[Bogey]

A young manjoined the Army and signed up with the para-troopers.
He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.


The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
“So, did you jump?” the father asked.


“Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
“Is that when you jumped?” asked the father.
“Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.”
“Did you jump then?” asked the father.


“I’m getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he’d kick my butt.”
“So, did you jump?”
“Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally the Jump Master called me over and said ‘Boy, are you gonna jump or not?’
I said, ‘No, sir. I’m too scared.’ So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his ***** out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
He said, ‘Boy, either you jump out that door, or I’m sticking this little baby up your ass.’”
“So, did you jump?” asked the father.
“Well, a little, at first.”

[pesticidal]

A guy and his girl were watching a live musical when he convinced her to give him a hand job. She did and ended up with a handful. "What am I supposed to do with this?", she asked. "Just flick it down into the orchestra", he said. So she did and the gob hit the second violinist in the eye. He turned to the first violinist and said, "Christ, somebody just hit me in the eye with a ****." The first violinist replied, "I’m not surprised, you’ve been playing like a **** all night."

[pesticidal]

What do eating ***** and dealing with the mafia have in common?


















One slip of the tongue and you're in deep ****.

[Tristan]

Alright, I'll play. This is one of my fav jokes that some of you have heard from me before. ;)

What's the difference between jelly and jam?






































I can't jelly my dick in your mouth. :supergrin:

[Bogey]

Alright, I'll play. This is one of my fav jokes that some of you have heard from me before. ;)

What's the difference between jelly and jam?






I can't jelly my dick in your mouth. :supergrin:

Right toward the end, he can.:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Tristan]

Right toward the end, he can.:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Heard often at Bogey's home........."wrong end Bogey." :whistling:

[pesticidal]

As long as we're talking oral...

You know how you can tell when you;ve had a fantastic blow job?















Your dick still has dry heaves 1/2 hour later.


:rofl:

[Bogey]

As long as we're talking oral...

You know how you can tell when you;ve had a fantastic blow job?















Your dick still has dry heaves 1/2 hour later.


:rofl:

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Bogey]

Heard often at Bogey's home........."wrong end Bogey." :whistling:


More like a screeching "meow". :rofl:

[GPalmer]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqkG3CqPbQk
Bwahahahahahahahaha:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[jhoagland]

As long as we're talking oral...

You know how you can tell when you;ve had a fantastic blow job?


Your dick still has dry heaves 1/2 hour later.


:rofl:

Or....You have to pull the sheets out of your ass.:supergrin:

[Bogey]

What are the bumps around a girl's nipples?
They read "suck here" in braille.

[cjlandry]

Bttt!

[pesticidal]

What do Kodak Film, Arm & Hammer Baking Soda, and Woody Allen have in common?



















They all come in a little yellow box.

[gjk5]

What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?



























They both come on little white crackers

[gjk5]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[pesticidal]

A big brown bear is squatting down having a ****, then a bunny rabbit comes next to him and starts having a ****. The bear says to the rabbit "do you have problems with **** sticking to your fur?" the rabbit says No, so the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.

[Sam Spade]

After 10 years of marriage, the spark was hard to find. He thought it through, and took her out. Dresed up, off to fine dining, dancing and a show.

On the way home, she thanked him for a marvelous night. "Oh, don't thank me yet. I've got one more present for you."

At home, he presents her with a small box, covered in black velvet. She takes it and opens it....to find two asprin?

"Asprin? But I don't have a headache."

"AHA!"

[Bogey]

After 10 years of marriage, the spark was hard to find. He thought it through, and took her out. Dresed up, off to fine dining, dancing and a show.

On the way home, she thanked him for a marvelous night. "Oh, don't thank me yet. I've got one more present for you."

At home, he presents her with a small box, covered in black velvet. She takes it and opens it....to find two asprin?

"Asprin? But I don't have a headache."

"AHA!"


:supergrin:

[Woofie]

A cowboy walks into a whore house. He hasn’t been laid in months. He goes up to the maddam and says, "Have you got anybody available?" The maddam replies, "Sorry, we’re all used up right now." He can’t believe what here’s hearing and says, "Oh c’mon you’ve got to have somebody." She thinks about it and says, "Well, we have one persosn but she’s not used anymore." The cowboy replies with a smile, "Okay Okay Okay, I’ll take her." The cowboy gives the maddam the money, he runs upstairs, opens the door, and see’s this 95 years old women naked on the bed. He tries not to think about it and joins her in bed. Right when they started hitting it off, he says, "OW, my god this hurts so much." So he pulls out, she puts her hand down there, fixes the problem, and they continue there interlude. The cowboy says, "Oh yes this feels so good, what did you do?" The old lady says, "I just picked the scabs off and let the puss run down."

[jhoagland]

EWWWW

Even after all these years I hate that joke.

[jhoagland]

A young teenage boy walks into a whore house dragging a dead frog, and asks for a girl with VD. The madam asks him what in the world he wants with an infected whore and why is he dragging a dead frog in.

The kid says, "It's none of your damn business! Is my money here good or not??"

"Um..sure." she says. "Hang on a minute."
After a call she says that Suzie is on the way and to wait.

Suzie comes in the door and takes the kid by the hand and goes to the second room on the right.

The kid comes out after a while dragging the frog out the door when the madam asks him to stop.

"Look kid, I know it ain't none of my business but, I got to know. Why are you dragging a dead frog around and why do you want a whore with VD??" She adds, "I'll even give you your money back."

The kid says "OK."
"Now, I'm gonna go home and **** the baby sitter. When Dad gets home, he'll take the baby sitter home and **** her. When Dad gets back home he'll **** Mom. Tomorrow morning after Dad takes us to school Mom will **** the mail man, AND THAT'S THE SONOFA***** THAT RAN OVER MY FROG!!!!!!!"

[pesticidal]

One day little Johnny was in his back yard filling in a hole, carefully shoveling earth in and packing it down with his foot.

When he's almost finished, his neighbor decided to investigate.

"Whatcha doin?" he asks.

Johnny replies, "My goldfish died and I've just buried him."

"That was an awful big hole for a goldfish, wasn't it?" asked the neighbor.

Johnny shot back, "That's because he's inside your ****ing cat."

[GPalmer]

One day little Johnny was in his back yard filling in a hole, carefully shoveling earth in and packing it down with his foot.

When he's almost finished, his neighbor decided to investigate.

"Whatcha doin?" he asks.

Johnny replies, "My goldfish died and I've just buried him."

"That was an awful big hole for a goldfish, wasn't it?" asked the neighbor.

Johnny shot back, "That's because he's inside your ****ing cat."

:rofl::rofl::rofl::perfect10:

[Bogey]

So Angus and McTavish are sitting around in the pub. Angus takes a long pull at his drink, looks out the door and says "Angus, you see that bridge out there."

"Aye Angus, I do"

"S'a goood Bridge. Built it with me bare hands I did. But do they call me Angus the bridge builder?"

"No Angus they don't" he says sympathetically.

"And ya see that roof on the school. S' a good rooooof, took me a month to do that roof, with me bare hands." He takes a pull again. "But do they call me Angus the Roof Maker?"

"No Angus they don't"

Angus takes another deeeeep pull at his drink, his face going red.

"Aye, but you goes and ****s ONE Sheep . . ."

[cjlandry]

So Angus and McTavish are sitting around in the pub. Angus takes a long pull at his drink, looks out the door and says "Angus, you see that bridge out there."

"Aye Angus, I do"

"S'a goood Bridge. Built it with me bare hands I did. But do they call me Angus the bridge builder?"

"No Angus they don't" he says sympathetically.

"And ya see that roof on the school. S' a good rooooof, took me a month to do that roof, with me bare hands." He takes a pull again. "But do they call me Angus the Roof Maker?"

"No Angus they don't"

Angus takes another deeeeep pull at his drink, his face going red.

"Aye, but you goes and ****s ONE Sheep . . ."

I love the classics!

:rofl: :rofl:

[Razoreye]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
WIN! :supergrin:


It's amazing how much men make jokes about sex. :rofl:

[Sam Spade]

Johnny is visiting with his grandfather for the weekend, and he sees Gramps light up a cigar. The kid says, "Grandpa, can I try your cigar?"
"Does your dick touch your *******?"
"No."
"Then you're not a man yet. Ask again when you're a man."
The next day after dinner, Grampa gets out a bottle of Jack Daniels and pours himself a glass.
The kid says, "Can I try your whiskey, Grandpa?"
Same response: "Does your dick touch your *******?"
"No."
"Then you're not a man yet. Ask again when you're a man."

The kid is starting to get tired of this, so he goes to the corner grocery store and buys a scratch-off lottery ticket. He wins $ 2 million, and runs home, yelling, "Grandpa! Grandpa! I won 2 million dollars in the lottery!"
Grampa looks at Johnny and says, "Well, now, are you gonna share some of that money with your grandpa?"
Johnny looks at his grandfather and says, "Does your dick touch your *******?"
With a knowing smile, he says, "Why, yes it does."

"Good," says the kid. "Then you can go **** yourself."

[jhoagland]

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

[INJoker]

Please remember that these are jokes and do not reflect my personal sentiments...

How do farmers find their sheep at night?
Very satisfying...

What's the difference between a refrigerator and Clay Aiken?
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you take your meat out...

:outtahere:

[Lone_Wolfe]

You guys all owe me a new keyboard!!!!!!!!!

[jhoagland]

A young man the night before he gets married has a WILD bachelor party. Hookers and blow, the works mind you. Things get carried away with the "police" stripper and he has a horrible accident with the handcuffs.

They make it to the emergency room in time to save his member but, had to put it in a massive cast.

After the wedding the honeymoon couple go up to the hotel room and close the door.
As he starts to say something, she hushes him up saying, "I know you've been waiting for this for a long time."

She twirls around and peels off her dress and her bra half way down. As she slides the bra all the way off she says, "See these breasts, they have never been seen by human eyes and never been touched by human hands!"

She then slides onto the bed and pulls her panties down. "See this *****, it's never been seen by human eyes or touched by human hands!"

She rolls over and starts to say, "See this ass?...

Before she can finish the young groom says "That ain't nothin' honey!! This dick is still in the box it came in!!"

[tantrix]

A young man the night before he gets married has a WILD bachelor party. Hookers and blow, the works mind you. Things get carried away with the "police" stripper and he has a horrible accident with the handcuffs.

They make it to the emergency room in time to save his member but, had to put it in a massive cast.

After the wedding the honeymoon couple go up to the hotel room and close the door.
As he starts to say something, she hushes him up saying, "I know you've been waiting for this for a long time."

She twirls around and peels off her dress and her bra half way down. As she slides the bra all the way off she says, "See these breasts, they have never been seen by human eyes and never been touched by human hands!"

She then slides onto the bed and pulls her panties down. "See this *****, it's never been seen by human eyes or touched by human hands!"

She rolls over and starts to say, "See this ass?...

Before she can finish the young groom says "That ain't nothin' honey!! This dick is still in the box it came in!!"

:rofl: :cheers:

[Critias]

Two buddies are road tripping it cross-country when, square in the middle of the longest, straightest, most boring, abandoned, hottest, nastiest, loneliest, ugliest, stretch of desert highway ever, their car goes ****-up on 'em. They pop the hood and screw around a little bit but neither one really knows what they're doing, and after an hour of waiting at the car hoping to flag someone down they realize no one, but no one, else is gonna come down that stretch of pavement and give them a hand.

So they set off on foot, with just the remains of their last drive-through meal to keep 'em going.

They hike, and hike, and hike, and hike, and it ain't long before that half a diet coke and the four leftover french fries just ain't cutting it any longer. They hike, and they hike, and they hike, and they hike, and sunburn sets in, they start to feel faint from hunger and dehydration, their legs get wobbly, and the vultures are a-circlin' overhead, licking their chops.

The two of them stumble up one last hillside, stagger and flop over at the top of a ridge...and spread out below them is the promised land! Nestled in a little valley is a picture-perfect little homestead, with a well -- a well! -- and a little garden with tall, green, rows of corn, colorful tomato plants, a hand-woven basket half full of fresh carrots...

"I'm gonna go get us some water," says the first guy to the second. He hauls himself weakly to his feet and staggers down the hill.

"Hello? Is...is anyone here?" He coughs weakly, rapping on the door. He's thirsty as hell, and so is his buddy, but the last thing he wants is to get blasted with a shotgun or something. "My friend and I, our car broke down, and..."

The door opens, and in that heartbeat he's wishing they'd never found this place. Staring at him from inside the little house is the piss-poorest excuse for a woman God saw fit to waste his time a-makin'. She's got a wretched tangle of greasy hair on top of her pointy head, it looks like she lost one ear in a brawl with a junkyard dog, one eye's missing from a knife fight and is just a nasty puckered little hole with a few sloppy stitches over it, a little swarm of flies is buzzing around her, and it's tough to make out where her leathery, sun-beaten, skin starts and the patches of dirt on her stop.

She flashes all three of her yellowed teeth at him in a disgusting smile, and in a burst of halitosis and fluttered eyelashes, "Well, now. Ain't we both lucky you found me!"

Then she reaches out with one wretched hand and hauls him into the darkness of that little house, and starts to roll around and have her way with him. "If'n you give me what I need, I'll give you some water!"

Well, he'd throw up if he had anything in his stomach, but he knows he and his buddy need that water or they're just plain dead. The old hag is stripping off her rags and revealing a body you wouldn't **** with Ender's dick -- her underarms and crotch are a mass of matted pubes and cobwebs, there's some sort of gunk growing out from under her sweaty underboob, and there's a reek in the air that would do a bag of burning dog **** proud. She sprawls out lewdly on her filthy little cot in the corner, closes her good eye, and pats her inner thighs -- sending a few fleas flying -- and cries out...

"I'm a-waitin'!"

In a panic, the guy looks around and sees a basket of stuff from the garden. Her eye is still shut, so he grabs an ear of corn, shucks it as fast as he can, and uses it to screw her. She writhes and screams and wiggles and makes all sorts of horrid noises and smells, and before long the ear of corn is so nasty he can't even hold onto it any more.

He tosses it out the window, makes a face at the funk that's on his hand anyways, and grabs another ear. The monstrous old hag is still squealing and wiggling around like she didn't even notice he stopped, so he goes back to work with that poor innocent ear of corn and keeps on pleasing her and doing his best not to puke. And then another ear of corn, and another...until -- finally! -- that nasty old lady passes out, drooling all over herself.

"Jeeze, finally!" The guy grabs the biggest bucket he can find, and runs out of that horrible place, arms waving and shouting.

"Hey! Hey! She's out cold, and I got us a bucket! We can get some water and get the Hell outta here!"

His buddy's waiting for him over by the well, picking his teeth. "To hell with some water, man. Keep that tasty corn comin'!"

[lovette]

The old hag is stripping off her rags and revealing a body you wouldn't **** with Ender's dick

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

[digitspaw]

A doctor, a lawyer, and a priest are walking down the street together. They turn a corner and see a building on fire. It's a boy's orphanage.
The doctor says "oh my, we just have to go in there and rescue those poor young boys!"
The lawyer says "I don't think that's such a good idea and we'd be targets for a law suit! I say **** em."














The priest says "You think we have enough time?"

[digitspaw]

An Irishman, a Jew, and a Greek end up at the Pearly Gates only to be told that their deaths were premature and that they'd be returning to life but with one important caveat.
Each one of them was to give up their favorite vice. St. Peter warned them each that if they violated this condition, he would instantly recall them and their life would be over.

They all agreed and soon found themselves walking down the street together in downtown Pittsburgh.

Soon, they passed by an Irish pub with a neon sign flashing "Wiskey - only 25 cents a shot". The Irishman breaks out in a sweat and they all go in to the bar and order a shot of whiskey. When the liquor hits the Irishman's lips, he vanishes in a poof of smoke.

The Jew turns to the Greek and exclaims that St. Peter really means business.
The remaining two fellas leave the bar and continue down the street. The weather has just cleared up after a rain storm and the sun was shining through a break in the clouds.

Then suddenly, a very bright reflection shone upon them from the gutter. It was the sun reflecting off of a bright new shiny penny. The Jew looks down and says "ah ha! FREE money!!"

As he bends over to pick up the penny...................................the Greek disappears.