Late night political humor [Archive] - Glock Talk

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WINGS
02-07-2009, 13:21
Late Night Political Humor
“Either today or yesterday, Barack Obama said Americans are ’sick and tired’ of people ‘being rewarded for failure.’ Is he talking about me?” -David Letterman

“President Obama has asked the Senate to cut $50 billion from the economic stimulus plan. Yeah, Obama says the government will no longer need the $50 billion once everyone in his Cabinet pays their back taxes.” -Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is going to put a salary cap on execs working for companies that take government bailout money. Finally, some accountability in Washington. But I’m thinking if they are going introduce accountability, shouldn’t Obama start by making his own people pay their taxes?” -Craig Ferguson

“Welcome to ‘The Tonight Show.’ You sound happier than Barack Obama when he found out Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton both paid their taxes.” -Jay Leno

“I think Barack Obama is a genius. I think this is part of the plan. Do you ever notice when Barack Obama nominates someone, the first thing they do is pay their taxes? He’s found a way to pay off the deficit. Nominate every single person in the country one at a time, until they pay off the deficit.” -Jay Leno

“Former Senator Tom Daschle from South Dakota had to withdraw because he forgot to pay taxes. You know, I believe the guy because in South Dakota, there are so many distractions.” -David Letterman

“As you know, Tom Daschle withdrew his name to be in Obama’s cabinet, due to IRS problems. Yeah, he said, ‘I will not be a distraction.’ See, distraction is Washington talk for, ‘Uh-oh, there’s a lot more crap you don’t know about yet.’” -Jay Leno

“How about that Dick Cheney? He’s out of office, but he’s still chomping at the bit. You know what I’m talking about? Daschle embarrasses Obama so today Obama gets a call from Cheney, ‘Hey, let me waterboard him.’” -David Letterman

“Daschle says that his problems with the IRS were unintentional. Well, of course they were unintentional. He never intended to get caught.” -Jay Leno

“Ladies and gentlemen, while you were applauding that joke, another Obama nominee dropped out.” -David Letterman

“Wasn’t it just a couple months ago, these people were making fun of Joe the Plumber for not paying his taxes?” -Jay Leno

“Obama’s cabinet picks must’ve gone to the Willie Nelson School of Taxpaying..” -Craig Ferguson

“Have you been following this? Obama has now lost two nominees because of tax trouble. So good luck to the new Health and Human Services nominee, Wesley Snipes.” -David Letterman

“Now that Tom Daschle has withdrawn his nomination, the White House is thinking of replacing him with the CEO of Safeway supermarkets. That’s true. Yeah, the White House said they should be able to check him out quickly if he has eight items or less.” -Conan O’Brien

“I guess the Democrats think IRS means, ‘I’m really sorry.’” -Jay Leno

“And you know that woman here in California who just had the eight kids and has six more at home?’ Well, today, Tom Daschle proposed to her. He’s not in love, he just needs the deductions. ‘Please marry me, please!’” -Jay Leno

“Nation, last night, President Obama called his handling of the Tom Daschle nomination ‘a mistake.’ This is great news, because we all know that a president only admits to a mistake at the end of his term. So it is official: The Obama administration is over” -Stephen Colbert

“I was stunned by the Daschle story because we don’t expect Democrats to cheat on their taxes. No, we expect Democrats to cheat on their wives. That’s how this is supposed to go!” -David Letterman

“The White House issued a statement today saying that the reason their nominees are having such trouble is that the new White House has set the bar very high. See, that shows you what’s wrong with politics in this country. That’s what the government considers setting the bar high, having to pay taxes like everybody else in America.” -Jay Leno

“And today, President Obama announced a salary cap of $500,000 for executives at banks and companies that have received taxpayer bailout money. And you know — it is good. But I’ll tell you something, you can tell a lot of these CEOs don’t get it. They said, ‘Well, that’s $500,000 a month, right?’” -Jay Leno

“And Wells Fargo, who got almost $25 billion in bailout money, has canceled a pricey 12-day corporate trip to Las Vegas. And I think they learned their lesson, because they really scaled things back. They’re not doing Vegas anymore. Now, it’s a one-day pie eating contest in Laughlin.” -Jay Leno

“And Citigroup, who received a huge bailout from the government, owns the naming rights to the New York Mets’ new stadium. It is currently called Citi Field, but because of Barack Obama’s crackdown on the Federal bailout money, Citigroup will legally have to change the name of the stadium to Money Grubbing Bastards Field.” -Jay Leno

“Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi recently said that every month that we do not have an economic recovery package, ‘500 million Americans lose their jobs.’ I think the Botox is starting to seep into her brain.” -Jay Leno

“And the US Postal Service says they may cut postal service from six days to five days a week. They say they’re losing money because people aren’t using the postal service as much as they used to. If you’d like to complain, you can e-mail the complaint to uspostalservice.com.” -Jay Leno

The new US energy secretary predicts agriculture in California will disappear in this century because of global warming. He said people in California will no longer grow crops, except those who are growing them in their basements, attics, and garages.” -Jay Leno

“I’m sorry you folks weren’t here last night, because you missed a big show. Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was here. You know, it’s funny. The audience really liked him, but they impeached me.” -David Letterman

“But it was fun to have Rod Blagojevich on the program, because for one night, I was not the creepiest guy on the show.” -David Letterman

VANMAN
02-07-2009, 15:59
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