Driving Arizona
Posted 08-30-2009 at 16:37 by Zapfenstreich
This was originally written as part of a thread where people were commenting on a road rage incident in Arizona, where one genius in a monster truck had confronted another similar genius, jumping out of his truck to challenge the other driver to a smack down.
The one still in his truck had simply shot the would-be brawler, in a scene vaguely reminiscent of a modernized episode of Gunsmoke.
That story, building on top of my own decade of experiences in the hell that is known as driving in the Phoenix area, initiated the following rant, which attempts to be both humorous and realistic.
[AZ driving rant on]
I've driven about a million miles in cars & bikes, in Europe as well as most parts of the USA, and I have never seen as many crazed-in-a-rage drivers, true psychos who are out to ruin somebody's day, or just plain idiots as I have in the Phoenix area.
It seems like 50% of the drivers have a cellphone permanently attached to their left ear, while the other 50% are doing their level best to double the speedlimit on a surface street, or put their bumper about six and half inches from the back of whatever car is in front of them on the loop 101. We’ve got every teenage girl in the state permanently texting her “circle”, whether or not she’s barreling along at 30 over the limit in her Mom’s white minivan or Daddy’s jacked-up F-350 diesel dualie whose bumpers are about eye-level for a pedestrian.
Add in the smoke-spewing ‘83 Toyota pickups with 4 guys in the front, three more in the back, and a bed full of ladders and 5 gallon paint buckets ready to fly off at every corner, and it gets even more interesting.
But the best part is in the Winter, when we welcome the tens of thousands of 85 year olds from Michigan and Minnesota who drive down in their bald-tired Oldsmobiles, squinting confusedly at a world gone mad from behind their wrap-around blind-man glasses. I watch in genuine amazement as these old-timers lurch slowly through traffic on their way back from the drive-up liquor store or the golf course, defiantly refusing to use their turn signals, never looking sideways or checking their mirrors as they merge onto I-10 at 42 mph. Somehow God smiles on them: the trucker who has been pounding it out non-stop from San Antonio to LA doesn’t flatten them or punt them into next year as they struggle towards the middle lane, giving everyone a nice chance to test their ABS systems.
You know, I’d really enjoy driving in Arizona sometimes, if it weren’t for the flame-painted trucks doing 80 on their way back to the gravel pit, blowing a storm of sand & rocks in their wake, causing $1,000 a minute in windshield repairs for all the cars desperately trying to avoid their debris field. But there are benefits: I never have to clean the inside of my windshield, because it never lasts long enough to get dirty. Hey, I’m on a first name basis with my glass guy now… if only they offered a free trip to Cancun with your fifth windshield in a year.
No, driving here is not fun now, and probably never will be again. It truly is seriously the most dangerous environment I’ve ever put hand to wheel. I’d rather do 120 in the rain on an Autobahn at night then drive to Tempe during commute hours.
No wonder those two guys snapped… it’s a miracle more people don’t. I can’t wait until it’s 110+ degrees every day for three or four months later this year. It’s really gonna be interesting then.
[rant off]
The one still in his truck had simply shot the would-be brawler, in a scene vaguely reminiscent of a modernized episode of Gunsmoke.
That story, building on top of my own decade of experiences in the hell that is known as driving in the Phoenix area, initiated the following rant, which attempts to be both humorous and realistic.
[AZ driving rant on]
I've driven about a million miles in cars & bikes, in Europe as well as most parts of the USA, and I have never seen as many crazed-in-a-rage drivers, true psychos who are out to ruin somebody's day, or just plain idiots as I have in the Phoenix area.
It seems like 50% of the drivers have a cellphone permanently attached to their left ear, while the other 50% are doing their level best to double the speedlimit on a surface street, or put their bumper about six and half inches from the back of whatever car is in front of them on the loop 101. We’ve got every teenage girl in the state permanently texting her “circle”, whether or not she’s barreling along at 30 over the limit in her Mom’s white minivan or Daddy’s jacked-up F-350 diesel dualie whose bumpers are about eye-level for a pedestrian.
Add in the smoke-spewing ‘83 Toyota pickups with 4 guys in the front, three more in the back, and a bed full of ladders and 5 gallon paint buckets ready to fly off at every corner, and it gets even more interesting.
But the best part is in the Winter, when we welcome the tens of thousands of 85 year olds from Michigan and Minnesota who drive down in their bald-tired Oldsmobiles, squinting confusedly at a world gone mad from behind their wrap-around blind-man glasses. I watch in genuine amazement as these old-timers lurch slowly through traffic on their way back from the drive-up liquor store or the golf course, defiantly refusing to use their turn signals, never looking sideways or checking their mirrors as they merge onto I-10 at 42 mph. Somehow God smiles on them: the trucker who has been pounding it out non-stop from San Antonio to LA doesn’t flatten them or punt them into next year as they struggle towards the middle lane, giving everyone a nice chance to test their ABS systems.
You know, I’d really enjoy driving in Arizona sometimes, if it weren’t for the flame-painted trucks doing 80 on their way back to the gravel pit, blowing a storm of sand & rocks in their wake, causing $1,000 a minute in windshield repairs for all the cars desperately trying to avoid their debris field. But there are benefits: I never have to clean the inside of my windshield, because it never lasts long enough to get dirty. Hey, I’m on a first name basis with my glass guy now… if only they offered a free trip to Cancun with your fifth windshield in a year.
No, driving here is not fun now, and probably never will be again. It truly is seriously the most dangerous environment I’ve ever put hand to wheel. I’d rather do 120 in the rain on an Autobahn at night then drive to Tempe during commute hours.
No wonder those two guys snapped… it’s a miracle more people don’t. I can’t wait until it’s 110+ degrees every day for three or four months later this year. It’s really gonna be interesting then.
[rant off]
Total Comments 1
Comments
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Got a comment from some low-brow that I had to delete because of profanity. The gist of it was "if you don't like driving in AZ, leave."
That's exactly the kind of statement that makes me lose my faith in the intelligence of my fellow man. It's a comment that says "If there is something objectively wrong with a situation, don't try to fix the situation. Attack whomever points out the problem." Brilliant! |
Posted 09-16-2009 at 17:04 by Zapfenstreich
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