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Old 04-20-2008, 07:44   #2
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Unites States
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It doesn't flow well, but if you think that the narration is pertanent to the story, just keep it. Otherwise you can probably delete it. You should rework it and play with your style of dialogue writing until you feel satisfied. I've been writing for several years, so I've gotten accustomed to modifying dialogue to still include narrations.
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