Attention: Flatlander Leader
In accordance with, and as evidenced by this public notice I am in receipt of your ransom demands.
The time and place of exchange is understood and agreed to as well as ransom amount.
As demanded, ransom amount shall be in small denomination, unmarked bills sealed in a sterilized mayonnaise jar with the Kraft label still attached and placed into a pink and black Victoria's Secret gift bag.
The following conditions WILL be met by you... any deviation will result in your termination.
You personally will be at the agreed upon location.
You will be attired in casual clothing sans any outer covering. Weather conditions will not alter this requirement.
You will be bare headed. Any wearing of a sissy looking, Banana Republic imitation boonie hat will result in your immediate termination.
Up to two of your low-life accomplices may be present at the exchange. Deviation from this directive will result in your immediate termination.
The place of exchange WILL be reconnoitered and be under constant surveillance, any sign of personnel not identified as routinely and customarily being in the area will result in your immediate termination.
You and your accomplice(s) will be seated across from each other, in a highly visible area of the location. Hands will be empty of all objects and hostage will be in plain sight as an unquestionable proof of life before contact will be made. Any deviation from this will result in your immediate termination.
Upon contact the hostage will be turned over to my care and control where upon a physical and emotional inspection will be made. Any psychological ill effects or physical injuries such as missing fingers, toes, skin bruising or signs of deviant abuse will resulting your immediate termination or if circumstances permit you will be removed from said location and your termination will occur over a period of several days making a CIA water boarding session look like a school field trip to a water park.
Upon confirmation of the hostage's physical health and mental well being the ransom amount will be placed on the floor next to you or your low-life accomplice(s) where no more than twenty, (20) seconds will be alloted for amount confirmation. Any unexpected or unnecessary movements will result in your immediate termination. (Note: the cost of this public notice has been deducted from the demanded ransom amount as well as the estimated amount for any nourishment and/or beverages consumed during exchange... gratuity included.)
Upon completion of exchange you and your low life accomplice(s) shall remain seated while hostage is escorted away from location of exchange. Any deviation from this directive will result in your immediate termination.
Doubt not my resolve for no quarter or mercy shall be afforded if these conditions are not followed precisely.
Have a nice day.
The Italian Avenger