In my day...
When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious lectures about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for thruppence an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But....
Now that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty-four, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy!
I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet- when we wanted to know something, we had to go to the *******ed library and look it up ourselves or go to the rich neighbour in the street who actually had a printed copy of Encyclopaedia Britannica.
And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter with a pen!--and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the *******ed record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and stuff it all up!
You want to hear about hardship?
You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Penthouse" at the local newsagent! It was either that or reading the lingerie section of the Best & Less catalog! Those were your options!
We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got an engaged signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mum, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! We also had to actually "Dial" the numbers rather than press numbers on a dainty keypad....how much would it suck when a friend had heaps of "0's in their number. And which brainiac though to make the emergency number "0 0 0" (Ed's note: the Australian emergenciy number is 000), as it was the longest 3 number phone number you could use. People died due to this delay, do you hear? ya little mongrels.
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!
Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were stuffed!
And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... ...D'ya hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little brats!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy! You're spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!
Lo there do I see my father. Lo there do I see my mother and my sisters and my brothers. Lo there do I see the line of my people back to the beginning. Lo they do call to me, they bid me take my place among them. In the halls of Valhalla. Where the brave may live forever.