Join Date: Aug 2002
This is for Southern Belles, Ladies who should have been Southern Belles,
Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most awful kind
of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or
"Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the
head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a six lane highway.
" Or, "Bless her heart, she's so buck- toothed, she could eat an apple
through a picket fence."
There are also the sneakier ones: "You know, it's amazing that even though
she had that baby 7 months after they were married, bless her heart, it
weighed 10 pounds."
As long as the heart is sufficiently blessed, the insult can't be all that
bad. I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling
about her new transplanted Northern friend who was upset because her toddler
is just beginning to talk and he has a Southern accent. My friend, who is
very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of
hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had CHOSEN to
move to the South a couple of years ago. "Can you believe it?" said her
friend. "A child of mine is going to be "taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss.."
Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the north,
bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships and their
recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their
endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here. And the
heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!
The ones that really gore my ox are the native Southerners who have begun to
act almost embarrassed about their speech. We've already lost too much. I
was raised to say "swanee," not swear, but you hardly ever hear anyone say
that anymore, I swanee you don't.
And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something is "right
much," "right close," or "right good" because non-natives think this is
right funny indeed.
I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've got
to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She also gets a
giggle every time I am "fixin'" to do something. And, bless their hearts,
they don't even know where "over yonder" is or what "I reckon" means!
My personal favorite was my aunt saying, "Bless her heart, she can't help
being ugly, but she could've stayed home."
To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: take
a dose of sausage gravy 'n' grits and call me in the morning, bless your
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this
Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they're fixin' to have classes on
Southernese as a second language!
Southern girls know bad manners when they see them:
Drinking straight out of a can. Not sending thank you notes. Velvet after
February. White shoes before Easter or after Labor Day.
Southern girls appreciate their natural assets: Dewy skin. A winning smile.
That unforgettable, Southern drawl.
Southern girls know their manners: "Yes, ma'am." "Yes, sir."
Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions: "Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart." "Drop by when you can." "How's your mother?" "Love
your hair." "Well, shut my mouth."
Southern girls don't sweat...they glisten.
Southern girls know their summer weather report: Humidity Humidity Humidity
Southern girls know their three R's!: Rich Richer Richest
Southern girls know their vacation spots: The Beach The Beach The Beach
Southern girls know the joys of June, July, and August: Summer tans Wide
brimmed hats Mint juleps
Southern girls know everybody's first name: Honey Darlin' Sugah
Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts: "Gone With the
Wind" "Fried Green Tomatoes" "Driving Miss Daisy" "Steel Magnolias"
Southern girls know their country breakfasts: Red-eye gravy (or thick white
gravy, or chocolate gravy for the die-hards.) GRITS Mouth-watering homemade
Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern charm: Adlanna
(Atlanta as outsiders say, lol) Richmon Charleston S'vannah Birminham
Nawlins' OH! That city in Alabama? It's pronounced MUNTGUMRY!
Southern girls know their elegant gentlemen: Men in uniform. Men in tuxedos.
Rhett Butler, of course.
Y'all know Southern girls are quick on the drawl.
Southern girls know their prime real estate: The Mall The Beauty Salon The
Ranch with the longest stretch of river bottom
Southern girls know the three deadly sins: Bad hair Bad manners Bad blind
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fo'evah!
G.R.I.T.S. = Girls Raised in The South!
Now you run along, Sugah, and send this to some other Girls Raised In The
South, i.e., Southern Belles, or any females aspiring to be GRITS
Correctional and Therapeutic Mayhem Administrator EMERITUS
GLOCK CERTIFIED ARMORER