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Old 11-01-2011, 19:06   #1
Nick.45
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Your most bizarre, WTF story....

Like the title says, what were some of your WTF moments on the job. Ill start.

Had an inmate use nail clippers to cut open his johnson so that he could put the red and white pegs from the Battleship game under the skin. No joke, he wanted to be "firmer" for the ladies. Needless to say that using the nail clippers and game pieces that have been touched by thousands of the dirtiest people caused quite an infection. He refused to have them surgically removed and the Dr. wouldn't remove them without a court order, IIRC. His infection eventually cleared up and he was later deported back to Mexico.

More recently, had another inmate who was off his meds, shove 2 safety tooth brushes, the ones that are 2 inches long, up his urethra. I'm talking the whole toothbrush, bristles and all! I never heard how that one turned out. I hear the X-rays would make just about make even those with strong stomachs hurl.
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Old 11-01-2011, 19:18   #2
Bruce M
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I believe I may have offered this incident before but I am at that point where my memory sometimes stumbles. Guy calls because he wants to turn himself in and desk says he might be a bit disturbed (when the desk gets that on the phone usually the person is full blown stark raving.) I get there, hotel on beach, and guys says he wants to turn himself in as the Royal Canadian Mounted Police wants him. He did a shoplifting a few years back and then left Canada but knew it would eventually catch up with him. Says the RCMP was just on the beach. For other than that tidbit guy seems reasonably well hinged. He admitted to a few beers, knows the day, date, etc. and seems lucid except for the RCMP on the beach hunting him. I bundle him up and start in genreal direction of the recieving facility. A hotel or two up the beach, they are filled with motor homes. Back in the day (think Miami Vice) that meant some tv/movie/photo production. A bit more digging determines they are filming a commercial for tourism, specifically directed at Canadians... complete with an actor dressed as an RCMP officer with horse on the beach.
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Old 11-01-2011, 19:32   #3
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http://washingtonexaminer.com/news/2...aco-motel-room

What else is there to say?
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Old 11-01-2011, 20:04   #4
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Since you asked, I'm willing to relive this absolute calamity... Reposted from the "Did I ever tell you about..." thread, directly:

Did I ever tell you about the time...

...I had a "run-in" with a transexual?

Got a call from EMS that they were bring in a combative CSC victim and were going to need help getting them into the hospital for the kit. Waiting in the trauma triage area, the medic (with a BIG "cookie-eating" grin on his face) wheels in the patient, fully covered with a blanket. As soon as the chair stops, the patient jumps up wearing NOTHING but a thong. The nurses bring a gurney, and by now it's gotten around that there's a transexual in the ER.

The patient is wildly out of control, so the docs decide to use restraints, and ask us to help hold him...her...the patient down. They put on 2 restraints and wheel the patient back to the treatment area. Not 3 minutes later, a nurse comes screaming from the treatment area saying that this patient was going crazy. I respond (along with the only female officer working that night, I wasn't getting myself in THAT trick bag), and find out that the patient kicked a doctor in the face. The nurses ran to get more restraints, and the patient started fighting us, so I positioned myself near the patient's head, key-locked the free arm, and applied a mandibular angle pressure point. I advised the patient that they could be a gentleman, or they could be a lady, but dammit, they WOULD be one of them.

My partner locked up the patients legs and we sat there waiting for a nurse with restraints to lock up the free limbs. At this point, the patient became very quiet, then began moaning. My partner says to me "Hey, look" and sure enough, through the gown, it was evident that the patient was becoming...amorous. The patient then requested that I press in a certain other spot (NOT where you're thinking, and no I didn't comply) and moaned extremely loud that it felt good and then became very quiet.

When the nurses finally arrived, they put the restraints on the patients limbs and one pointed out that there was "evidence" on the patient's gown. And of course, all this happened in full view of the giant crowd of staff, EMS and other cops that had gathered to witness this crime against nature.

2 years and countless talks with a counselor and I'm just NOW starting to realize that it doesn't make me dirty forever.
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Old 11-01-2011, 20:18   #5
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Best I can do is a condom full of piss found in the console of a car during a consent search. I honestly believe that the driver had no idea it was there, and he was completely mortified by it. He shared the car with his brother, who also happened to be a probationer, which explained everything. Not much of a story compared to some of the others on here.
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Old 11-01-2011, 20:29   #6
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Nick,

Ya got me at a loss. WTF. Thanks for making me look twice at the toothbrush.

Randall
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Old 11-01-2011, 20:30   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by msu_grad_121 View Post
Since you asked, I'm willing to relive this absolute calamity... Reposted from the "Did I ever tell you about..." thread, directly:

Did I ever tell you about the time...

...I had a "run-in" with a transexual?

Got a call from EMS that they were bring in a combative CSC victim and were going to need help getting them into the hospital for the kit. Waiting in the trauma triage area, the medic (with a BIG "cookie-eating" grin on his face) wheels in the patient, fully covered with a blanket. As soon as the chair stops, the patient jumps up wearing NOTHING but a thong. The nurses bring a gurney, and by now it's gotten around that there's a transexual in the ER.

The patient is wildly out of control, so the docs decide to use restraints, and ask us to help hold him...her...the patient down. They put on 2 restraints and wheel the patient back to the treatment area. Not 3 minutes later, a nurse comes screaming from the treatment area saying that this patient was going crazy. I respond (along with the only female officer working that night, I wasn't getting myself in THAT trick bag), and find out that the patient kicked a doctor in the face. The nurses ran to get more restraints, and the patient started fighting us, so I positioned myself near the patient's head, key-locked the free arm, and applied a mandibular angle pressure point. I advised the patient that they could be a gentleman, or they could be a lady, but dammit, they WOULD be one of them.

My partner locked up the patients legs and we sat there waiting for a nurse with restraints to lock up the free limbs. At this point, the patient became very quiet, then began moaning. My partner says to me "Hey, look" and sure enough, through the gown, it was evident that the patient was becoming...amorous. The patient then requested that I press in a certain other spot (NOT where you're thinking, and no I didn't comply) and moaned extremely loud that it felt good and then became very quiet.

When the nurses finally arrived, they put the restraints on the patients limbs and one pointed out that there was "evidence" on the patient's gown. And of course, all this happened in full view of the giant crowd of staff, EMS and other cops that had gathered to witness this crime against nature.

2 years and countless talks with a counselor and I'm just NOW starting to realize that it doesn't make me dirty forever.
Condensed: "I once got into a wrestling match with a beaver with a lever".

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Old 11-01-2011, 20:31   #8
Glockdude1
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick.45 View Post
Like the title says, what were some of your WTF moments on the job. Ill start.

Had an inmate use nail clippers to cut open his johnson so that he could put the red and white pegs from the Battleship game under the skin. No joke, he wanted to be "firmer" for the ladies. Needless to say that using the nail clippers and game pieces that have been touched by thousands of the dirtiest people caused quite an infection. He refused to have them surgically removed and the Dr. wouldn't remove them without a court order, IIRC. His infection eventually cleared up and he was later deported back to Mexico.

More recently, had another inmate who was off his meds, shove 2 safety tooth brushes, the ones that are 2 inches long, up his urethra. I'm talking the whole toothbrush, bristles and all! I never heard how that one turned out. I hear the X-rays would make just about make even those with strong stomachs hurl.
Several of our inmates use to use Dominos. They would break them into pieces and the same thing to their johnsons.

One night while making rounds, I walked up on a "surgery in progress."
The infections that have happened, should be posted for all the new inmates to see.

Walked up one night on a tattoo in progress. I could hear the tattoo gun running. I stepped into the cell and yelled, "WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE???"

The "tattoo artist" ended up stabbing his customer with the needle of the home made gun, because I scared him so bad.

I love my job.......... FCC Beaumont, BOP.

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Old 11-01-2011, 20:33   #9
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He got the point???

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Old 11-01-2011, 20:54   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Glockdude1 View Post
Several of our inmates use to use Dominos. They would break them into pieces and the same thing to their johnsons.I love my job.......... FCC Beaumont, BOP.

Me too, in another part of the country. I can truly say, I belong behind bars.
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Old 11-01-2011, 20:55   #11
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Quote:
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He got the point???

Ah, indeed he did.
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Old 11-01-2011, 20:55   #12
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Me too, in another part of the country. I can truly say, I belong behind bars.
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Arming with truth defeats ignorance. Jesus said, "I Am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father but by me." John 14:6
"Opinions expressed in this article are those of the author
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Old 11-01-2011, 20:56   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Glockdude1 View Post
Several of our inmates use to use Dominos. They would break them into pieces and the same thing to their johnsons.

One night while making rounds, I walked up on a "surgery in progress."
The infections that have happened, should be posted for all the new inmates to see.

Walked up one night on a tattoo in progress. I could hear the tattoo gun running. I stepped into the cell and yelled, "WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE???"

The "tattoo artist" ended up stabbing his customer with the needle of the home made gun, because I scared him so bad.

I love my job.......... FCC Beaumont, BOP.

RE: Domino in Johnson; Paisa?
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Arming with truth defeats ignorance. Jesus said, "I Am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father but by me." John 14:6
"Opinions expressed in this article are those of the author
and do not necessarily represent the opinions of the Federal
Bureau of Prisons or the Department of Justice."
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Old 11-01-2011, 20:57   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 3Speedyfish3 View Post
Nick,

Ya got me at a loss. WTF. Thanks for making me look twice at the toothbrush.

Randall
Make sure it is thoroughly boiled, and sanitized. No problem.
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Arming with truth defeats ignorance. Jesus said, "I Am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father but by me." John 14:6
"Opinions expressed in this article are those of the author
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Bureau of Prisons or the Department of Justice."
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Old 11-01-2011, 21:01   #15
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Shoot, where to start? I had just started with Missouri working corrections for them. My first in the middle of the night count and there has to be this inmate lying on a bottom bunk greased up in his back side.

Another time we had an inmate transferring from the Missouri prison I was working at to someone else. The partner cellie came to the door watching him go, in tears and squalling like he was becoming a lonesome widow.

There was this one crazy Cuban detainee while working in the feds who decided to get rid of a gonad the hard way. I don't know how he got it out.
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Arming with truth defeats ignorance. Jesus said, "I Am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father but by me." John 14:6
"Opinions expressed in this article are those of the author
and do not necessarily represent the opinions of the Federal
Bureau of Prisons or the Department of Justice."
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Old 11-01-2011, 21:04   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 3Speedyfish3 View Post
Nick,

Ya got me at a loss. WTF. Thanks for making me look twice at the toothbrush.

Randall
Anytime. I still shudder every time I think about it.
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Old 11-01-2011, 21:05   #17
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This is a true story. I know of a certain rocket scientist of an inmate who gnawed off his middle finger inside prison walls, and mailed to Pres. Bush the elder.


I know of another one who was so desperate to end his life, he gnawed through the veins in his wrists in an effort to bleed out.
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Old 11-01-2011, 21:13   #18
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We had a guy, before my time, who removed the razor blade from his razor and swallowed it. He was locked down until he passed it. When he finally did, he swallowed it again. This same guy would make poop figurines of anything that he could think of and decorate his cell with them. When officers entered his cell to remove him, he would then throw them at the officers.
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Old 11-01-2011, 21:50   #19
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We had a guy, before my time, who removed the razor blade from his razor and swallowed it. He was locked down until he passed it. When he finally did, he swallowed it again. This same guy would make poop figurines of anything that he could think of and decorate his cell with them. When officers entered his cell to remove him, he would then throw them at the officers.
I've never been hit with a steaming turd. God help anyone who tries that crap with me. No pun intended.

We had a certain sick, lame and lazy limpdick of a Seg Captain who was totally useless. He would just about let the bastards get away with murder. I came in to work Seg one morning at 0545, and the whole place was about to explode. Usually, that time of morning, it's dead quiet. I learned that, due to the piss poor management we had back then, one inmate was allowed to go hog wild, balls to the wall, all night. He flooded his cell several times, caused all sorts of other problems, and shouted profanities and racial slurs non-stop. They hauled two different inmates off in separate ambulances, who attempted suicide because Captain Terry Smith was a waste of human flesh. Both swallowed razor blades.
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Old 11-01-2011, 21:51   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by msu_grad_121 View Post
Since you asked, I'm willing to relive this absolute calamity... Reposted from the "Did I ever tell you about..." thread, directly:

Did I ever tell you about the time...

...I had a "run-in" with a transexual?

Got a call from EMS that they were bring in a combative CSC victim and were going to need help getting them into the hospital for the kit. Waiting in the trauma triage area, the medic (with a BIG "cookie-eating" grin on his face) wheels in the patient, fully covered with a blanket. As soon as the chair stops, the patient jumps up wearing NOTHING but a thong. The nurses bring a gurney, and by now it's gotten around that there's a transexual in the ER.

The patient is wildly out of control, so the docs decide to use restraints, and ask us to help hold him...her...the patient down. They put on 2 restraints and wheel the patient back to the treatment area. Not 3 minutes later, a nurse comes screaming from the treatment area saying that this patient was going crazy. I respond (along with the only female officer working that night, I wasn't getting myself in THAT trick bag), and find out that the patient kicked a doctor in the face. The nurses ran to get more restraints, and the patient started fighting us, so I positioned myself near the patient's head, key-locked the free arm, and applied a mandibular angle pressure point. I advised the patient that they could be a gentleman, or they could be a lady, but dammit, they WOULD be one of them.

My partner locked up the patients legs and we sat there waiting for a nurse with restraints to lock up the free limbs. At this point, the patient became very quiet, then began moaning. My partner says to me "Hey, look" and sure enough, through the gown, it was evident that the patient was becoming...amorous. The patient then requested that I press in a certain other spot (NOT where you're thinking, and no I didn't comply) and moaned extremely loud that it felt good and then became very quiet.

When the nurses finally arrived, they put the restraints on the patients limbs and one pointed out that there was "evidence" on the patient's gown. And of course, all this happened in full view of the giant crowd of staff, EMS and other cops that had gathered to witness this crime against nature.

2 years and countless talks with a counselor and I'm just NOW starting to realize that it doesn't make me dirty forever.
Did you take the "Crying Game" shower?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSPtSEIlp8A
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