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Old 10-02-2012, 06:16   #1
Mrs Glockrunner
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Location: South Carolina
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Thanks To EVERYONE!!!

As we progress into 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails
Over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,
Nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
About the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
What has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
Because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
Imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on
The floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
In the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
Every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub
Full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
Freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
Water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
If I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
It can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
So a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
Seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
In the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring
Me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
Needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
Me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
Me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan...

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
Big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant
Death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
Dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed
There by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
The next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
On your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
Fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
To grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
Actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
Ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
Beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,
Has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
Read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse...
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. Out of the toilet...

Now you have yourself a very good day—If you can...
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Old 10-02-2012, 06:26   #2
Clutch Cargo
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Good day to you Mrs. G
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Old 10-02-2012, 06:38   #3
NH Trucker
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You're welcome


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Old 10-02-2012, 19:52   #4
robin303
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Thanks for the good advice which maybe saved me today. I almost picked up a dime today in a parking lot.
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Old 10-02-2012, 19:54   #5
Angry Fist
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Don't believe all that GnG nonsensical hoopla, Mrs. G.
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I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, s**t-kickers, Methodists, and the GTDS.

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Old 10-03-2012, 18:50   #6
Paul53
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If there's anything else we can do for you just feel free to ask!

What doesn't kill you just makes you really sick.
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Old 10-04-2012, 10:45   #7
SCmasterblaster
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You are doing just fine.
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Old 10-04-2012, 10:49   #8
jtull7
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Nicely written, Mrs Glockrunner, and so true.
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Outpost Member #69 I collect and shoot many fine firearms. CCW: NM, CT, and NH. N5JHT. WFR. Former LEO. SAR. Bilateral trans-tibial amputee. Survivor of bubonic plague. Tough sum-*****.
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Old 10-04-2012, 10:53   #9
Alcoy
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Good to know that you are now a much better person after reading all these emails.

I read your whole post with my right hand on the mouse. I am looking for hand sanitizer now.
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Old 10-04-2012, 21:03   #10
BigBull 301
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No problem! Glad to be here for you!!
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