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Old 09-13-2003, 22:43   #1
ERASER
Nyuk,Nyuk,Nyuk!
 
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Join Date: Jan 2000
Posts: 7,106
Drinking Problems

> SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
> FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
> ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
>
> SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
> FAULT: Improper bladder control.
> ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
>
> SYMPTOM: Drink unusually pale and tasteless.
> FAULT: Glass empty.
> ACTION: Get someone to buy you another drink.
>
> SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
> FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
> ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
>
> SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
> FAULT: You have fallen forward.
> ACTION: See above.
>
> SYMPTOM: Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
> FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
> ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
>
> SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
> FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
> ACTION: Get someone to buy you another drink.
>
> SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
> FAULT: You are being carried out.
> ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
>
> SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
> FAULT: Bar has closed.
> ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
>
> SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
> FAULT: Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
> ACTION: Cover mouth.
>
> SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
> FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
> ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
>
> SYMPTOM Drink is crystal-clear.
> FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
> ACTION: Punch him.
>
> SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
> FAULT: You have been in a fight.
> ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
>
> SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
> FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
> ACTION: See if they have free alcohol.
>
> SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
> FAULT: The drink is too weak.
> ACTION: Have more alcohol until your voice improves.
>
> SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
> FAULT: Drink is just right.
> ACTION: Play air guitar.
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