GlockTalk.com
Home Forums Classifieds Blogs Today's Posts Search Social Groups



  
SIGN-UP
Notices

Glock Talk
Welcome To The Glock Talk Forums.
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 12-04-2003, 17:04   #1
ERASER
Nyuk,Nyuk,Nyuk!
 
ERASER's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2000
Posts: 6,872
A Day in the Life of a P****

A Day in the Life of a P****
6:15am
Wakeupwakeupwakeup! My God, will he ever wake up? Every day it's the same: I'm raring to go by dawn, ready to meet the world, or at least the bathroom, while Jake's face down and drooling on his pillow. Squishing me to boot.

My only recourse is to swell up to full size, making my presence felt. LIKE THIS. MORNING JAKE! PROBLEM IS, NOW I'M POINTING STRAIGHT UP, SO ONCE AGAIN, I'M SUBJECTED TO A PAINFUL 180-DEGREE BACK BEND IN ORDER TO PEE. DID I SIGN UP FOR P**** YOGA? Ahhh. Sweet release.

Honestly, living with Jake is rough, and no one ever hears my side of the story. That's why I asked him if I could guest-write this month's column. Seriously, though, all day I'm locked away like a carnival freak, poked by coins and house keys, and when I'm finally let out, my owner beats me senseless. Granted, I always find a way to enjoy his floggings, but sometimes I just want to be held, you know?

7:00am
I hate it when he takes me jogging. Hate it, hate it, hate it. BOING BOING BOING. Could you pound the pavement any harder, Leadfoot? Somebody call Amnesty International. Still, at least it's not the bicycle. Will someone please explain why only men's bikes have a steel bar down the middle?

7:41am
Uh-oh, here comes the outfit du jour. I pray for pleats, but no, it's flot-front pants again. You think your cubicle makes you feel cramped? Try going all day pressed inside a cotton-poly waffle iron. Free Willy!

11:38am
Wow-I've never noticed that foxy new assistant. Why the hell hasn't Jake introduced me? So rude. She's got a really nice…AWWW, JEEZ, HERE WE GO. JAKE IS REALLY GOING TO KILL ME. AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ANNUAL SALES MEETING, NO LESS. LET'S TRY THIS: REGIS PHILBIN, REGIS PHILBIN, REGIS PHILBIN, REGIS Philbin.

3:37pm
Psst, Jake - down here man. CAN I GET A LITTLE LOVE? C'MON, NO ONE'S LOOKING. HOW 'BOUT THE BATHROOM STALL? Fine, act like you don't even know me, you office drone.

5:41pm
SIGH. Another workday gone by. And not a moment for me. Why? Jake just doesn't respect me. Whenever he does something dumb, I usually get blamed: "There ya go again, thinking with your johnson!" Like I'm the one who entered his Visa card number on that Web site.

On top of it all, Jake has the nerve to gripe that I'm not big enough. Oh, I'm so sorry, master. YOU try tripling your size in mere minutes on demand. Egads! We fight like an old married couple. Thirty years together will do that.

6:39pm
Home again, and the pants are off! Damn, he's breaking out the clippers for a pube trim. And you ladies thought only YOU battle excess fuzz. Jake always snips before a date, thinks it makes the whole package look more impressive. Careful, bud, those blades are sharp!

8:01pm
Oh, great, a four-course dinner. I get to spend the night trapped under a table while he pickles me in vodka.

And this is the girl from that party last weekend. Ignored me the whole night. Didn't even get a simple handshake. Still, she IS cute. If we can get out of here at a reasonable hour, I might have some fun…

8:21pm
OK, I'm ready! THE MARTINI'S KICKING IN AND IF SHE KEEPS TOUCHING HER NECK LIKE THAT, I'M GONNA UNZIP THESE TROUSERS MYSELF. C'MON, JAKE, ASK FOR THE CHECK! NOW!

10:15pm
I'm getting very groggy. Jake may be flying high after five stiff drinks, but I'm definitely sagging down here. How much longer can this date go on?

12:13am
Zzzzz…Huh? Wha? Oh, we're home. How'd that happen? She's still with us. And now she wants to introduce herself-just when I've shrunk to the size of a cocktail frank!

Yiiiii! Cold hands! Coldcoldcoldcoldcold! Ok, I'm warming up, but quit pulling me, sweetheart. Who am I, Stretch Armstrong? OK, LOCKED AND LOADED. WAIT, SHE'S IGNORING ME. I DIDN'T MEAN TO CRITICIZE YOUR STYLE, HON. C'MON BACK-DON'T LEAVE ME DANGLING. WHOA! JAKE, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, OFFERING TO TAKE THINGS SLOW? WHAT ABOUT ME? MY NEEDS? MY HOPES AND DREAMS? JAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING? THINK WITH YOUR JOHNSON, BIG GUY! JAAAaaaaake
ERASER is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-05-2003, 19:38   #2
J Sand
Lost cause
 
J Sand's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Playing Hide and Seek...
Posts: 2,041
That puts everything into a completely new perspective.
J Sand is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump




All times are GMT -6. The time now is 10:22.



Homepage
FAQ
Forums
Calendar
Advertise
Gallery
GT Wiki
GT Blogs
Social Groups
Classifieds


Users Currently Online: 1,187
341 Members
846 Guests

Most users ever online: 2,244
Nov 11, 2013 at 11:42