Two peanuts walk into an alley, and one was a salted.
A set of jumper cables walks into a bar.
The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't try to start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true," exclaimed Daisy, "No bull!"
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at, either.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butcher's the other day and I offered to bet him 50 bucks
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "I won't take that bet; the steaks are too high."
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
It's not like you weren't warned!