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Old 05-16-2005, 18:19   #1
JackC53
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Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: North of Boston
Posts: 1,361
Humor

Here's a story that one of our members posted concerning an altercation with a neighbor's dog and the ensuing "chase". I was inspired by the post to write a fictional "what if" account of how the media would react if the owner of the dog decided to defend his dogs and property.

To really understand my "response", you have to know that the initial post by Mr. Cutter documented(with picture)that his door had been torched by vandals.

I hope you find it as much fun reading it as I did writing it.
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Here's Mr. Cutter's post so you can follow my "response":

Well, I'm back... Feeling better.

No Joke, as I was surfing the net wearing only underwear and shorts with my G22 in the waistband, my dogs erupted.

I peeked out the window and saw not punk kids, but a small white terrier taking a **** in my front yard.

I zinged my son's tee-ball bat across the yard at it but glanced it ~2" high from dead center. The little dog shrieked and bolted with another larger houndish looking mutt.

I was pretty miffed, and gave chase barefoot for about a half-mile until I saw one of the dogs pawing at a front door.

Fire in my eyes, I went to finish the little sum***** off.

The little dog shrieked in terror and the hound came after me. Bat in hand I worked over the hound. It howled... out comes the homeowner with a damned mastiff (no joke, freakin huge). The mastiff was curious, but not arrgessive.

I asked the owner if the dogs were his. He says yes. I tell him I just witnessed one of his dogs taking a **** on my yard and nearly dispatched it. The dog-owner was a real clean-cut white guy (like me, but with a shirt and shoes). He offered no confrontation and apologized, I don't know if he saw the pistol IWB or not.

I felt bad for working over his hound, but with only undies and shorts on, I wasn't gonna let it touch me. I don't think I did any serious damage as I pulled my blows a lot. Still wish I coulda killed the terrier, I would have given it everything I had.

The real strange thing is, I go to investigate the disturbance with a pistol in my pants, and grab a tee-ball bat on the way.

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Here's my fictional post:

Barefoot Naked Madman Chases/Beats Little Dog and His Sister

In a bizarre turn of events a naked man (by the time the reporter gets through fudging the facts) attacked a small dog with a baseball bat that was only answering the call of nature. Armed with a baseball bat and a fully loaded DEADLY firearm, preferred by gang members and drug dealers (WITH NO SAFETY AND CAPABLE OF ALMOST FULL-AUTO FIRE OF ONE OF THE DEADLIEST ROUNDS KNOWN TO MAN), Mr. Daisy Cutter of XYZ street tracked the 12 ounce dog named Mr. Poopies like a crazed bounty hunter.

Mr. Daisy Cutter, naked, frothing at the mouth, armed with a deadly baseball bat and brandishing a deadly firearm, arrived at the front door of Mr. Scooper, the tiny dog's owner; Mr. Cutter proceeded to attack Mr. Poopies' sister, yet another defenseless creature. The owner, armed with a sensible shotgun (that cannot be concealed and used by criminals such as Mr. X) courageously defended his dogs, property and obviously his VERY LIFE and cut Mr. Daisy Cutter's almost-naked body in 1/2. "At first I thought the baseball bat was Mr. Cutter's p*nis and that he was trying to violate Mr. Poopies", cried the owner. Mr. Cutter's wife couldn't understand how anyone could mistake a bat for her husband's wee-wee. "My pet name for it was "Tiny" said Mrs. Cutter.

Mr. Daisy Cutter had recently suffered a breakdown when his front door was set on fire by misunderstood teens who didn't have enough love and ice cream during their formative years. The teens were apprehended recently when their car caught on fire at a McDonalds Drive-Thru. Police said it's very lucky for the teens that Mr. X didn't catch them in the act of setting his mat on fire.

Follow up stories throughout the week, interviews by Katie Couric, Oprah, etc. with the VICTIM and his dogs:

Mr. Poopies, a tiny Pekinese, continues to recover from wounds inflicted by a naked madman. "I feel fortunate that the naked crazed madman did not use his hi-cacity deadly Tupperware weapon (with no safety) on us all", said Mr. Scooper, the dog's owner.

Millions of dollars have been sent to the, "Save Mr. Poopies" fund. Mr. Scooper, Mr. Poopies' owner, was reached in Fiji yesterday on his yacht,"Lawn Litigator". "I'll use the money to buy a some of those disposable bags", said Mr. Scooper. In addition, Mr. Cutter's family has had to move out of their home which was lost in a civil suit filed on behalf of Mr. Poopies, seen here below (in James Brady's lap) in a picture taken with Oprah Winfrey, Senators Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy and Sarah Brady. FOOTNOTE on large spot on Mr. Brady's pants - Mr. Poopies got very excited and Mrs. Brady quickly wiped the accident from Jim's pants and wheelchair. "I guess Mr. Poopies' safety wasn't on, said Jim in between drools".

MR. DAISY CUTTER BURIED IN PAUPER'S GRAVE - Today Mr. Daisy Cutter was laid to rest (both halves) in a pine box; his family had no money after civil suits and his life insurance went into a trust fund for Mr. Poopies and his beloved (hound) sister Miss Taken. "He's truly pushing up daisies now", said Mrs. Cutter, who spat on her husband's grave and walked away. In a related story, Mr. Cutter's simple grave marker was damaged when a ball of masking tape mysteriously ignited.

The ACLU has filed suit against the estate of Mr. Daisy Cutter (the naked madman who tried to kill Mr. Poopies, his sister and owner). The ACLU expects to collect $1 million from the estate of Mr. Cutter. The court is expected to force Mr. Cutter's wife and children to work until the money (with interest) is collected, "no matter how long that takes". The money will be put in a trust fund for the teens who tried to burn down Mr. Cutter's home (apparently it was justified knowing the type of person Mr. Cutter was).

The trust fund will be used to purchase cars, drugs and anything else these abused/underpriviledged kids want. After all, the trauma of finding out what Mr. Cutter was capable of... "We had no idea we were trying to fry a madman when we set that mat on fire", said Mr. Rap Leerix, spokesman for the group of harmless pranksters. "To think what could have happened to us! One of my comrades is undergoing treatment for the trauma Mr. Cutter has caused us all! This country has gone to hell -we're not safe any more even playing a simple harmless practical joke. If he can beat a dog 1/2 to death while naked in public what do you think he would have done to us??" Mr. Leerix's lawyer had to help Mr. Leerix back into the limo as he was so distraught and he was unable to complete the interview. In other news, Mr. Leerix has been seen lately with Paris Hilton and is expected to play the role of the fiance of "Runaway Bride" in the upcoming TV movie.

GlockTalk Website CLOSED/SUED - Arizona DA Mr. Gov Wannabe uncovered evidence that "crazed naked attempted murderer" Mr. Daze E. Cutter first launched his plot to kill prankster teens and helpless canines on a Terrorist website called GlockTalk.com, named after the well-known "no safety" Saturday Night Special Tupperware killing machine. "We've been monitoring the site for years now" said Mr. Wannabe. In fact, I'm flying to Austria today with evidence that Mr. Glock may have been a guard during WWII at an infamous camp. Don't let his age fool you - that can be manipulated", said Wannabe. In further news, Sarah Brady said that this is only the beginning of cleaning up the Internet of these "Crazed redneck murdering sites. Several GlockTalk members have actually taken flying lessons and look at this example of the artwork on their site" , sobbed Brady.

DOZENS OF GLOCKTALK.COM MEMBERS PROTEST CLOSING - "The actions of one nutjob shouldn't ruin it for everyone, even though I'm no longer a member. Let me talk to Wannabe - I can ARGUE with ANYONE about ANYTHING", shouted former GlockTalk member WalterGA (seen in pic below with his therapist). Other members noted that they had encouraged Mr. Cutter to get help and to buy a good monitoring camera. However, DA Gov Wannabe cited countless cries for blood from other nutjobs on the site. "They told him to murder the teens in cold blood using COP KILLER VEST DEFEATING ARMOR-PIERCING ROUNDS and then defecate on their heads. These madmen have access to ballistics data and have even used homemade frozen jello and ROAST BEEF to experiement!!! We're looking into a GlockTalk plot to make farting noises at the UN during Kofi Annan speeches too", cried Wannabe. Investigations into a GlockTalk.com band of animal abusers has been launched by Wannabe's office and reports of porn on this site is also under scrutiny by the Christian Coalition.

MR. DAISY CUTTER'S FAMILY BRUTALLY MURDERED - A group of activists from "DFWMP (Don't ***** With My Pet) chased down the family of crazed and naked pet assaulter Daisy Cutter today and beat them to death with baseball bats. An ACLU lawyer expects the judge to go easy on the DFWMP members. "After all, it's not like they were out to hurt innocent pets", said lawyer Ima Dike (seen here on a recent Honeymoon with her wife Manna Heyter).
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