Join Date: Dec 2005
My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "Well, I have
outdone myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in
the near future. Here goes.
On my first day of retirement, I bought something at the Police Supply Shop that tickled my fancy.
(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for my wife.
The occasion is my retirement and I was looking for a little something extra for my lovely bride.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you
who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal pron! gs
designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while
you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on
your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into
your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed,
muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action,
then you're truly missing out -- way too cool! I've seen several demonstrations for cops, but I found
this handheld one for civilians.
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the
darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions
(we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would
not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that
if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did it.
Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee...
I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with
only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, her cat looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions
(that would be me, not the cat) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh
and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the cat for a fraction of a second and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to
my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So,
there I sat in a pair of shorts with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, Tazer in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss
of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to
myself, "no friggin' way!"
Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond
description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do
it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that
it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate
that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ****! DAaaaaMN!!!
I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner
then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked
under my body in the oddest position. The cat was standing over me making sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to her self, "do it again, do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such
thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't lodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours
SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this
point), I collected my wits ( what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs., give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone
seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward.
They're round. Miss 'em...I sure would like to get'em back.
I wonder what retirement day two will bring?
"Freedom ain't Free" Ted Nugent at the House of Blues in Orlando.
"Both oligarch and tyrant mistrust the people, and therefore deprive them of arms." - Aristotle,