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Old 02-25-2006, 21:22   #1
riddler
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On the lighter side - Marcos Jokes

Got this off a Sunstar Column by Juan L. Mercado

On the Marcos snap election: "Hey, the vote count is in and opposition just won 62 percent of ballots cast," a reporter told gathered foreign observers and newsmen. "That's a landslide," said a stunned editor.

"No, no, no. You don't understand," the reporter snapped. "The administration also got 91 percent of the votes."

***

There was the then-young Jaime Cardinal Sin who told Ferdinand Marcos' Commission on Elections chairman: "Leonie, if you were in charge of the papal conclave, I'd have been elected Pope."

***

"When will we have elections?" the barber asks Marcos repeatedly. First, Marcos says: "In due time." The reasons shift as the questions persist.

An irritated president finally explodes: "Why are you so interested in elections?" The barber replies: "I'm not. But every time I mention elections, your hair stands on end."

***

State visitors:

"Do you have a hobby?" Marcos asks the visiting Australian prime minister.

"Yes, I collect jokes people tell about me," the guest replied. "And you?"

"Oh, I collect people who tell jokes about me," Marcos replies.

***

So, they tell of the late general Fabian Ver who hauled in a man for cracking jokes about Marcos. The arrested man pauses at the door of Marcos' plush room with admiration.

"What are you looking at?" the irritated president asked.

"Mmmmm?" he replied. “You don't live too badly. Not at all."

"Well, what of it. After 25 years of the ‘New Society,’ everybody will live like this."

"Aha!" the prisoner said. "A new joke."

Imelda:

Dwight Eisenhower, Nikita Khruschev and Ferdinand Marcos are allowed to ask God one question.

The US president asks: "When will Pax Americana prevail throughout the world?" God replies: "Not in your life time."

"When will the dictatorship of the proletariat finally prevail in all the nations?" Nikita asked brandishing his shoe. "You're drunk Comrade. But not in your lifetime," the Lord answered.

Now, it was Marcos turn. "When will Imelda become president?" And God exploded. "Not in MY lifetime."

***

Did you hear about Imelda visiting a corrupt Asian minister's lavish residence?

"Let's be frank," she whispers into the ear of her host." "I know your official salary. So, how can you afford all this?" she asks, pointing to the luxurious appointments.

The minister leads Imelda to the terrace and, pointing to the horizon, asks: "Do you see those two mountains?" Imelda nods.

"Do you see that bridge between them?" Imelda nods again.

"Twenty percent," he explains.

A year later, Imelda hosts the same minister at her even more lavish residence.

Let's be frank," the minister whispers into the ear of Imelda. "Given your salary, how can you afford all this, let alone 3,000 shoes?"

Imelda leads the minister to her terrace and, pointing to the horizon, asks: "See those two mountains?" The man nods.

"Do you see that bridge between them?" The puzzled man protests: "But there's no bridge."

"Ah," Imelda replies: "One hundred percent."


***
After the citizens assembly "ratified" the Marcos constitution by raising hands, a man walked into a bookshop and asked for a copy.

"Shall I wrap it up for you?" asked the clerk. "Or would you prefer to tear it up now?"

The military:

Ver is interviewing 57 colonels angling for a general's star. Each aspirant is called to answer one question only:

"Colonel, how much is two plus two?" All 57 answered: four." All were told: "Wrong"

Finally, a major walks in. "Major, how much is two plus two?" asks Ver.

"Two for you, sir and two for me," the major replies.

"Correct, colonel. Now, the President will see you."

Same question Marcos says. "How much is two plus two?"

The brand new colonel replies: "Simple, Mr. President. Two plus two equals four---and all for you, sir."

"Raise your right hand, General," says Marcos.
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