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Old 03-28-2007, 00:47   #1
ISRAEL_FTW!!!<3
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Work Poop?

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the hereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

-------------

hahaha, o god so true, roflmao...
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Old 03-28-2007, 14:26   #2
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I don't consider it a walk of shame. It is a matter of pride when you gross out your co-workers.
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Old 03-31-2007, 02:40   #3
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My brother's name is Todd. I will have to share this with my kids.
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Old 03-31-2007, 04:24   #4
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True, how true it is.
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Old 03-31-2007, 13:58   #5
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Old 04-01-2007, 01:23   #6
ISRAEL_FTW!!!<3
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Quote:
Originally posted by Cokeman
My brother's name is Todd. I will have to share this with my kids.
i absolutely REFUSE to crap at work, always have hated pooping in a public bathroom and will usually try my best to make it to the safety of my own home(bathroom)! but sometimes its an emergency and so of course i can always count on an Uncle Todd or worse yet, a Turd Burglar. never fails, i tell ya.

Havana Omelette or Jailbreak, i cant help but laugh whenever i hear one of those go off.

At the Kmart in the town i grew up in, my brother and I would wait for someone to get in the bathroom and sit down and then kill the lights, laughing. yes it was a small town...
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Old 04-04-2007, 00:41   #7
whitefroman
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when i was working at wally world. I would always try and clog up the employees bathroom. that taught them for treating me like crap!!! I had success 3 times in a month. GOod ole clogged toilet.
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Old 04-04-2007, 00:50   #8
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at my place we take pride in who smells the worst....I think of it as "I'm getting paid
to take a dump at work"
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Old 04-04-2007, 01:03   #9
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oh man that was funny!!
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Old 04-04-2007, 20:13   #10
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Have any of you experienced this?

After applying the paper toilet seat cover, you turn around and lower your trousers, and the sensor activated flusher flushes away your paper toilet seat cover before you can sit on it.
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Old 04-04-2007, 20:54   #11
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Quote:
Originally posted by Rebeldon
Have any of you experienced this?

After applying the paper toilet seat cover, you turn around and lower your trousers, and the sensor activated flusher flushes away your paper toilet seat cover before you can sit on it.
I just wipe the seat down with a wet paper-towel really good, I dont use that thing.
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Old 04-04-2007, 21:22   #12
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I grab the industrial strength glass cleaner. It's always handy at work.
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