* The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money.
* Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
* You find your sons GI Joe doll dressed in drag.
* You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out
of the city.
* Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grape-
fruit down the toilet.
* You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead
* You discover that your 12-year-old's idea of humor is putting crazy glue
in your Preparation H
* You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
* You start to put up the clothes you wore home from the party last night
...and there aren't any.
* It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
* Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue.
* Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
* You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
* Your income tax refund check bounces.
* You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
* You compliment the boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't
* You need one bathroom scale for each foot.
* You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight
and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.
* The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes...and no one
has touched it.
* You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk,
bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your new spouse.
* You receive a 150-page instruction booklet on how to save money...from
the electric company.
* Your mother approves of the person you are dating.
* Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies.
* You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box.
* You take longer to get over sex than you did to have it.
* Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens
in your dresser drawer.
* Everyone loves your driver's license picture.
* You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is
* Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.
* Your aunt Maddie, who has two poodles and a chihuahua, tells you that
her doctor just recommended plenty of rest in a warm, dry climate...and
you live in Arizona.
* The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
* You look out the window of the airplane and the Goodyear Blimp is gain-
ing on you.
* The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.
* People think you are 40...and you really are.
* You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the
numbers on the sign outside changed.
* Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific." And you
remember that you were home by yourself.
* You’re enjoyment of the “tea” your two year old just served you from her tea party set is interrupted by the realization that the only water in the house she can reach is in the toilet.
* There is a message on your answering machine from Planned Parenthood asking your daughter to return their call.
* You go to lunch and someone in the cafeteria at work points out your dress is tucked into the back of your pantyhose just as you remember last going to the bathroom before walking the six blocks to work in the morning.
* You're at 30,000 feet and your pilot comes on the PA and asks if anyone knows how to land a 767 with one engine.
* You ask for the lead flight attendant to complain about one of the other FA's comment about your baby being ugly and the lead FA concludes her apology by offering to bring you a banana for your pet monkey.
* You walk into the bank to deposit the $12,000 cash you just got for your used pickup and everyone is holding their hands up looking at the guy holding a gun on one of the tellers.
* You have a nightmare about being forced at gunpoint to eat a huge, tasteless marshmellow and you wake up to find your pillow is missing.
* You wake up from your vasectomy surgery to see your doctor being hauled away in handcuffs by police officers and two attendants from the state mental hospital.
* You wake up from your breast implant surgery to find your doctor mistook silly putty for silicone and your bra size went from 32B to 38 Long!